Withholding Intimacy

Hey, yes mine does that.even denied the fact we had s** 10days ago…said it must have been with someone else as it wasn’t with him!😭😭😭 definitely not! Think he’s doing to prove a point, have power and control and possibly make you say how much you want him? It’s pathetic isn’t it. Hope ur ok?

Absolutely my ex withheld intimacy. Intimacy in reality wasn’t part of his being. His idea of intimacy was poking me around when I was asleep. It was a welcome relief when he stormed out telling me that I was his wife, it was his way bla bra when I confronted him. Yuck

yes, I have had this also.
It started when I was pregnant with my babes.
almost as if he was punishing me for being pregnant.
This is, I feel not often spoken about.
I defintielhy and absolutely believe it is emotional abuse.
Not a hug I had in so many years.
No nothing.
And I do believe if the tables had been turned and it had been a bloke experiencing this, there would have been an outcry. Or it is against the law. and in itself, grounds for divorce.
all best
ftcx

I think in the early stages when they idolise us, the honeymoon phase, the sex is part of that. It irks me to say that he was a generous lover but then he was generous in every other department. As his mask began to slip, his behaviour including sex began to change to his sense of entitlement. Try to think of sex as just another form of abuse and control. Like where you go, who you see. He gets to decide, he’s top dog. Their main aim is to see us suffer so they tend to do the opposite. If we don’t want sex we get called frigid, so I suppose if we do they see that as an opportunity to humiliate us. Just dysfunctional selfish nasty people x don’t take it personally. I know that urge for just one more time together. Trauma bonding x I wonder if he senses this and is even more determined. It gives these men pleasure to pull the rug from under us.

Hello peace through healing. I really like your user name.

Yes, I think a lot of this is about ‘reminding ourselves’.

Yesterday afternoon I had a real phase of kind of grieving about a lost relationship that I knew, was not healthy towards the end. Or maybe never had been healthy…I’m feeling that trauma bonding was part of it.

I agree with KIP her description that these men enjoy ‘pulling the rug out from under us’.

Would agree also there is a real sense of bereaemetn and loss.
With these relationships, really difficult to describe to someone else…

I remember someone’s words on here…to the effect that
the peson we fell in love with never existed…I find personally that is a very tough truth to be coming to terms with, and I am stil on the journey…

all best
ftc
x

Hi PTH, sex with an abuser. It’s the most amazing sex you’ve ever had, you feel you’ve met your sexual equal, you do things you NEVER dreamt of. I’ve had multiple ‘O’s’, NEVER had them with anyone, not even an ordinary or..sm🙈 THIS is part of trauma bonding, the chemicals/ hormones released are what bond us to this person. So when they do something in the beginning that doesn’t sit with you, but it was only a wee slap ‘play fighting’ he’s done that with all his partners or children if he’s got any, he’s normalizing this behaviour, you sweep it under the carpet. But the next time you’re play fighting you slap back, so he hits you harder and then tells you, you hit him first and he’s not letting you get away with that! So he’s denying he hit you first(gaslighting) and because you hit him first he feels justified in hitting you harder. See how confusing even writing it down sounds. Now imagine living with someone like this day in day out, minimising, gaslighting, that’s abuse.but by now you’re so in love with him, you think what do I need to do or say to get through to him. And he might listen, and if he does you can be sure he’ll be in the honeymoon period until he feels safe enough to start it all up again.
By withholding sex, your oh is punishing you, he’s waiting for you to make the first move and he’ll probably say things like I’ve missed you, or this, you love it don’t you. He sounds so sincere, but secretly he’s like okay, I’ve got her again, she’s been rewarded for begging.It’s giving him that sense of justification in his behaviour of you. Or He might try to introduce something into the bedroom that goes totally against what you want, but because you’re being intimate again you don’t want to lose that so you may give in to his demands. I’m not saying this is how your relationship is but I ken this is how abusive men work.
I’m understanding why it’s better to go when it’s quieter,calmer. I’d usually put all ideas out of my head of going, because he’s being nicer, then when I’m least expecting it something will set him off AGAIN. I’ve also learned that I do expect it, my tummy is in knots fir weeks I’m antsy, can’t think straight, I’m starting to anticipate something.
You’re doing so well PTH, keep posting, keep learning. But remember whatever you decide to do we’ll be behind you all the way. Unconditionally.
IWMB 💞💞

IWBM, that’s a very good description of how it works. I always felt like something was amiss in my ex’s approach to sex but your description of how sex is used has given me some answers. Thank you x

Agree Fudgecake, very good description. Only in my case in the end there was no great sex. By then it had all been turned into what was good for him, it was on a schedule, if I had my period I could be certain that on this or that day I would have to do… I can’t even get myself to write it. But I’d have to do it no matter if I had a roaring headache or anything else or didn’t want to, it was just on the schedule. Sex with him was in the early part of the relationship amazing and longlasting. At least by the time it had become what it became it rarely lasted more than a few minutes. And was often followed up by a nasty comment of my body. And yet somehow he would accuse me of forcing myself on him. Oh it ihurts now

My schedule was two certain days of the week! So I know how you feel. I’ve heard this before from other women when we say we are tired or not in the mood then they claim we agreed to the schedule. It’s ridiculous and borderline rape.

I understand the criticising your body,performance afterwards too. I’d there any wonder we go off them😏

It’s never really over for these men. I would think he will not like you pulling away. That’s when they change back. Blank him, block him and I bet he gets in touch. Refuse to be intimate and I bet he tries to persuade you. It’s crazy making behaviour. I would also think he will try to get you to withdraw your statement if and when the police speak to him. He knows how this game is played so he will think he is one step ahead. Do not ever be alone with this man again. He might try to reel you back in just so he can punish you. I know of one woman who was reeled back in so that he could be Mr Nice, reel her in then unceremoniously dump her without a word. They are twisted individuals. Take this opportunity to get clear of him x

I know how difficult it is to break free from an abuser. Two women a week are murdered by a current or ex partner in England and Wales. We just do not realise the danger we are actually in. I think that’s perhaps part of the reason the police have a duty to investigate because they know how abuse victims are vulnerable to abusers. That trauma bonding, that craving for the man you think he is. When in fact you’re going to the cinema with a man who has hurt you and will hurt you again. If you were thinking straight you would be running for the hills. Sadly we are caught in a fog of fear Obligation and Guilt. It’s a dangerous game, one that got me badly assaulted and my husband a criminal conviction. It took that intervention of the police and courts to,keep me safe because I just couldn’t keep myself safe. That intervention saved me from much worse. Think about the contact with him and how you’re giving him the opportunity to hurt you again. That was one of the things that stopped me from going back. I couldn’t stand that hurt anymore. Your lightbulb moment will come when you realise just what a lowlife he actually is and how you’re wasting your precious time and energy on someone who wants to destroy you. Keep going and keep posting. The games these men play are unbelievable. You don’t know that he hasn’t already been questioned and is just biding his time. Please stay safe. It’s going to get worse for you. It always does x

Sweetheart, I think you are being too hard on yourself. He puts you down enough, don’t help him 🙂 Coming to the realisation that you have that this man is not the man you fell in love with is a big step, coming in here and posting and realising this is abuse is another big step. Leaving an abuser is not easy. I didn’t leave mine, he ended up leaving me – and blaming me for it, you know, just as a final insult. I think you are tied very closely to him and indeed trauma bonded and you are aching for all the butterflies and smile and happiness to return. And those are powerful emotions, and oh so difficult to give up on.
Your life outside of him sounds wonderful apart from your father’s health which I hope will get better – would it maybe help to keep focusing on what is good in your life? I was asked an uncomfortable question once, so forgive me if this is hurtful, I mean no harm it’s just it opened my eyes: Do you love him or do you love the idea of him? It was only very recently I understood that it was the idea I want.
Regarding the police they can take their time, but if they handed you an incident number you can always call 101 and ask for an update on that specific incident or ask that the OIC call you.

he cant do anything to you with the police behind you, you are going to be scared to act youve been through alot and we all worry about the repercussions. but you cant keep living like this – your going to become really ill xx i really feel for you – talk to womens aid het as much support around you as you can right now. once hes faced with the law he should be stopped in his tracks x*x i know your not sure about all of this yet but you will get through the other side xx to someone who will treasure you it sounds like he cant ever give you that xx its letting that sink in that is hard. sending you strength

love diymum

Deep breaths, sweetheart.
Harassment requires that they tell you in no uncertain terms that you need to stop calling/texting and if you persist, they will inform the police. Did they do that? I’m not so sure they did and even if they did, you had just experienced quite the trauma. We don’t think clearly in a traumatic situation, we don’t think clearly in the days after. You were trying to make sense of what had happened by trying to contact him, you can explain this to the police. Besides, harassment isn’t just when he chooses it to be. He can either have contact with you or not, he can’t just decide that at this one time in the past you were harassing him but then he went right back to dating you. My ex once drove off and threatened suicide. I called him so many times, I texted him, I called his mother, I thought he meant it. It’s natural in extreme circumstances to have an extreme reaction and from the sounds of it it doesn’t sound like you are constantly calling him and his family anymore? So how could you be harassing them?

You have no idea how much I understand your fear of being arrested, it was used as a scare tactic daily for years on me, that if I ever reported my ex, I’d be the one going to prison. I am still scared he will report me for what might look like crimes, but I’ve to realise that being manipulated, coerced, forced, traumatised, abused… sometimes we act in ways we wouldn’t have but it’s not our faults. Coming onto this forum and reading about abuse and realising that being threatened with being arrested/sent to prison is a common scare-tactic they use and often is just a reflection of their own fear of getting arrested/sent to prison. If you are very concerned you may have committed crimes, look up solicitors dealing with domestic abuse defense. Often your first consultation is free and they can advise you in confidence if there is anything you should be worried about. You can also do this by talking to domestic abuse survivors, that’s how I brought up the topic of being scared of having looked at my partner’s phone once. The advisor and later the police were not interested in that as a crime in the slightest.

And at the end of the day, no matter how we act, no matter what we say, no matter what we did, it would not have changed our abusers’ behaviour.

Love is loving someone for who they are. Love is having the compassion to embrace the flaws that make us who we are. Love is trusting we had good intentions behind our behaviour. Love is the decency to question that which we do not understand before judging.

What I mean with that last bit is that love is something we choose to do, it’s doing something actively. And it’s essentially thinking and acting with the best intentions about another person. When we “act out” or act differently to what we would normally do, someone who loves us would probably ask us if we are okay – and not accuse us of harassment. But abusers I’ve come to realise just don’t care about any of that.

Hey there lovely.💞 The last paragraph of your post stood out to me, in fact it was shouting at me. Can you re-read it but replace his accusing words with ‘me, my, I’m )
‘I(he) have hurt my family and you and that I (he) am the one causing all the problems and that you may have helped save my life from the alcohol but I (he) am now destroying it. See how different it reads. Try and do this when he’s accusing you in the future. It takes a while to be able to do it in the moment but you will, write down the accusations, then change them as if it was his confession.
You’re doing great, this is your journey and you can only do it for what’s right for you.
Love and light IWMB 💞💞