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The mind games are so subtle sometimes but so manipulative u dont spot them sometimes but u have a gut feeling something he has said or doing is not right
Yet the blame the guilt trips are easier to spot
The fear tatics all ways to hurt to make u scared to make u do as he wants
And then the love bombing
The mr good guy so seemingly kind understanding getting u to do as he wants and to confide in him so he can use the info against u
And u still want to believe that the mr nice guy was the real him who u miss
Yet wonder if he ever existed
Because if he really loves u why would he deliberately hurt u with holding support love affection and even giving u the silent treatment all to hurt u Punish u control u
Love is not this -
Hi Tobefree, You described the cycle of abuse to the dot, full circle.
And indeed where is the love in all this? It’s not in there.
So the way to beat this is to not get dragged into their cycle, but to stay outside of it, as if you were in a different weather zone, bathed in sunshine and they are in the middle of a storm, over their head their is this continual stormy cloud with lightning bolts (by which they eventually get hit!).Love is the rest of us, just as we are right now.
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Dear Tobfree,
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. Everything you say is true, you’ve explained emotional abuse and coercive control, both of which can be very subtle and hard to recognise. Sadly as you say he is choosing to behave this way to have power and control.
It is however positive that you’ve recognised the reality of his abusive behaviour; now you are aware, you can change your situation when you are ready to.
If you’ve not done so already, please consider calling the Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a female support worker in confidence. They won’t rush you into doing anything, but can talk through your options and try to answer any questions you have.
Also, you can contact your local domestic abuse service to find out what ongoing support you can access in your area.
There is lots of support to help you through this. You deserve to live a peaceful life without this abuse.
Keep posting when you can,
Lisa
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Thank you to every ones support kind words and advise .
led me to believe and reinforced that i am to sensitive and over reacting and he takes no responsibility at all
And even says it was a joke or minimises what abuse he said etc
And he says the hurt etc i feel was not because of him but was because of my past abuse i went through etc etc
And now i know the truth i can get out bit by bit -
Hi Tobfree
He’s a big fat liar, don’t let any of his words even enter your head, he is abusive, you are perfect the way you are, you are allowed to live a life free of abuse and this can become your reality. Don’t let him know you are seeing through him now, as he can become dangerous and tighten his control on you if he feels he’s loosing it.
Make your plans calmly, keep your routine so he won’t notice any changes.
Call Women’s Aid when you are ready for practical help and advice.
Sending you strength & keep posting -
Agree with what you said Tobfree. As HopeLifeJoy said don’t let him know you have seen through him. I did with my ex partner and he got worse and started changing and not in a good way. I nearly went under but I am still here and breaking away bit by bit. I still love him but the worse thing I could have done was to ‘out’ him in a sense because it wasn’t good.
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