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Hi ladies …things been whirling round in my head today, when i first got with my ex everything was fine and a few months after, i found that he had a mobile number with a girls name over it …it turned out to be his ex ex from way before me (the one he is with now) as far as i know the number he had was for her works and she left that job so he never got to talk to her (as far as i know) then i never thought any more about it but was still a bit wary about it all, he treated her horribly before they split up (apparently) and my thoughts was why is he trying to find her anyway, the girlfriend he had after her and just before me, had his baby, he was seeing her for just over a year and she was still on the scene just after we got together, he told me she went to his place where he lived so he could see his baby i think! i’m not 100 per cent on whether he was actually still seeing her while he was with me …anyway after a couple of months he gave up his property and moved in with me, by this time i was well hooked on him, thought he felt the same about me, the abuse started properly after that, i am thinking now that i was only a stop gap till he found her again, we was together over 2 decades, i feel like he used me till he found her and that’s why he just literally walked away from me without looking back after i broke it off with him, this hurts the most, he has messed me up big time and he is getting away with all the c**p he has done to me, i don’t get why he would stay with me all them years, its like he’s punishing me for being with him ….the other thing i don’t get is if he loved her that much, why go on dating sites to find his next s**g if he really wanted her that bad ….it tells me that he must have just used me till something better came along ….im so messed up! 🙁 x
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From what I’ve read and experienced about abusers they often have more than one woman on the go at a time. Very often overlapping in relationships or just serial cheating. It’s also much easier to recycle an old victim than break in a new one. I was seeing my ex for almost a year while he was married to another woman. I knew nothing about her. He actually proposed marriage to me while engaged to her. Then fast forward decades. I’m married to him and he’s cheating with someone who he has told we are separated. Lying cheating manipulation of the worst kind. The more I find out about my ex husband the more I know I never knew that man. The fact your ex is making babies very quickly is also a sign of an abuser. Not always but they often rush us into marriage, childbirth, buying a property. Big commitments far too quickly to trap us further. Such are their own insecurities x
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I dont think you were a stop gap if it ran into decades! I think the problem is he has lots of supplies, women he can go to for what he needs – when one is done with him or giving him ‘grief’ – which is actually not really grief is it, it’s those times when you have tried to have openess and adult discussion to resolve things, bring you close together – can you see now how that was never going to be possible? Like trying to nail down fog.
This relationship he’s in now will end the same way as all the others, they will get fed up of his abuse and the other women. It sounds like he’s the master at ‘keeping the door open’ just incase he wants to go back. Shut that door WW! Throw away the key and make it all about you now; get the life you want. This man was no good, he sounds mysoginistic to me x
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thanks for the reply, i don’t get why he stayed with me for so long, i wanted to get married to him a few years ago when we was together and he said ‘i will never marry you’ but a few months before we split up for good (after yet another argument we split up and got back together), he said he would marry me, when he could afford it, but nothing else was said after we got back together, so obviously he said it so i would go back to him …x
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The best revenge is zero contact. There’s nothing they can do about it. It’s you taking control and your way of saying he’s not worthy to be in your life. They love drama. Good or bad so cut off his supply totally.
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I’ve just got out of a relationship with a man that lasted half a decade, he was the same about not letting me put up photos etc of us on social media, I knew in my heart that it was all so wrong but he was so charming in person and always had an answer to make my questions and fears disappear (for a little while) but the things I didn’t really know about him just got too much in the end, why are these men able to live their daily lives normally when under the surface they know they are living a huge lie?
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This is good as it gives you the space you need; I have purposely let him think he has the upper hand many many times for this very reason, I needed the space. He will find out sooner or later that you will not respond to him, and he will hate this.
They are often not the marrying kind, because they are not really committed and know it will end at some point and don’t want the legal hassle; mine was exactly as you have described, said he did want to get married, but only when he wanted me back, then when I tried to discuss wedding ideas – he was not interested in the slightest – was all just for control hey, to get him what he wanted in that moment.
You’ll get there hun, stay strong, focus on your self care and doing the things you want to do now x
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