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Hi all,
I haven’t been on for a while. I was preparing to leave in January and I was just too exhausted by him to make all the changes, so I’m still there.
Since then, he’s worked really hard. He’s barely drinking (although occasionally still buying drink and hiding it) and he’s been working hard to be considerate and thoughtful towards me. In theory, I should be delighted. But I just don’t feel anything towards him any more. I said I would stay and try and he clearly feels like he’s made it all better. But the years of being frightened of and repulsed by him have just left me with this history I can’t get past.
So now I’ve got a hopeful puppy dog of a husband, but I know in my heart that o can’t get past everything that has happened. So I’m safe, but I need to leave, and I don’t know how to do that now without feeling like the bad guy.
Thoughts and support, please.
Thanks so much.
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He’s hoovering you up you poor thing. Until the next time. It took me years to recognise my ex doing this. It’s not your fault he has driven you over the edge. You can start getting you ducks in a row and start preparing little by little to leave. Try to have as little to do with him as you can. Go Grey Rock. It is really not up to you to fix him and his next move will be to blame you for his increased drinking if he smells a rat.
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Hi Fluctuating,
I think you’re describing a fairly common situation in that when they are appearing to be nice and being more like you’d expect a partner to be it makes us feel like ‘the bad guy’ if we still feel like we need to leave. You really don’t sound like the bad guy at all to me and I’m sure you have a thousand reasons to leave him.
I’m in a similar situation in terms of him being nicer than usual( well, for 5 weeks) . I’d decided to tell him it’s over but I just can’t seem to do it ( fear of violence , guilt , attached to and worried about his son). Like you, fleeing abuse seems more ok than just ending it because I can’t get over pain he’s already inflicted.
I feel like i’m wanting him to kick off so that I can finally end it. I know how crazy this sounds and certainly more risky.
Has anyone else felt like this?
Lots of luck to you as you move forward….
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i feel its because we become conditioned very slowly by them. we under play it, minimise everything to mainly survive/ get through. i think because of this conditioning in order to break this we need it to be reiterated to us in quite a forceful way. thats when we can find ourselves in a very vulnerable position at the hands of an abuser – through fear obligation and guilt too xxxx
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You’re right DIYmum.
We often do minimise their behaviour and it’s effects. I’ve told 4 close friends in the last few weeks as part of my leaving/safety plan. All of them were shocked and all of them have said how I describe an awful situation but I still manage to try and give a ‘fair’ account of him and stay too considerate of HIS needs and feelings….. I doubt very much that he would give me the same consideration to me …x
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Hey HokeyCokey,
I hear you 100%. We went to a wedding recently – that’s usually a solid gold guarantee of something terrible happening, because of all the drink – and I found myself thinking “This is it! He’ll do something awful and I can leave!” And then he didn’t, for the first time *ever*.
I felt a bit teary (in a good way) when you said “the pain he’s already inflicted.” You reminded me that that is reason enough; no more is needed. So thank you.
Wishing you all the luck and strength and hope x*x
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Hey fluctuating
A wedding without a fight ??… Goodness me that’s unusual 🥴
One thing I’ve noticed with my abusive partner is that he manages to spoil every important occasion by increasing his hostile and threatening behaviour. Xmas day , every birthday including his own and his sons, meals out, gigs , weddings, parties.
Anything where I’m upbeat and happy seems to invoke a drive in him to suck the joy out of me. I was starting to feel concscious and wary of being happy?! It’s just crazy ! ( and now I make an effort to laugh and joke as much as I possibly can when i’m with friends)
I’m really sorry that you’re in this kind of limbo situation. It’s horrible. I feel exactly like that and at times it can feel worse than the drama of the abuse…
I love the ‘hope’ comment – it’s what we have to keep clinging on to to get through xx
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