Feeling scared and trapped

Hi lavender rose. Our situations are extremely similar! I have recently left my partner with our young child and have an older child from a previous relationship. I presume your child’s father is named on his birth certificate? If so he has as much parental rights as you. This means If he didn’t return your child you would have to go through the courts to see them again which as I’m finding out is a very lengthy process. You would need a child arrangement order in place. To do this you first need to show the courts you have been to mediation. However as your ex partner was abusive I strongly advice you get in touch with women’s aid who can provide you with a letter to excuse you from attending mediation with your abusive ex! Then the child arrangement order can be applied for. This can be done by either yourself or your partner it really makes no difference. You can fill out the application yourself or if you can afford to you can do this through a solicitor? If you are eligible for legal aid I strongly advice to do so as it is a very costly case. I am only at the beginning of all this so cannot really advice you past this however I strongly advice you do so. These men love the control and I have no doubt he will try to take him if you don’t stop contact. In terms of taking your child abroad he may start to play up and say he won’t give you perimission to go. In the future there is a court order you can apply for which prevents him from taking him abroad but you can. Have you thought about reporting the emotional abuse to the police? I know it’s extremly difficult I’m living it right now but we’ve done the right thing by our children. Nobody should be subject to abuse day in day out! I hope I’ve helped and if I can in any other way please private message me! X*x

That is ok I will advice you as much as I can☺️ Phone women’s aid and set up a meeting with them. They can provide you with a letter you don’t need to go to your gp it holds just as much power. I believe this letter will also mean you can apply for legal aid with it as you are a victim of domestic abuse. I strongly advice you see a solicitor most will give you a free 30 minute session to discuss what to do next. Women’s aid can provide you with information on which solicitors are the best for family law. I took my child with me and fled. So I haven’t allowed contact since that on fear he will keep our child. I have every right to do this because of the domestic violence but you do need to report it to the police. You won’t be laughed at I promise. These men control everything and his still controlling when he sees him and when he doesn’t. You are out of the relationship but your not out of his control. You need to take that control back you can already see how it’s goinf to play out. Do you have to go on this holiday? I know it’s a sacrafice but I feel him insisting you go sounds like he has a plan. If you came back and he refused to give the child back to you you would have to go through the courts. This would mean months of not seeing your child. I really do think you need some advice from a profession such as a solicitor or women’s aid❤️ Because I know I’m just a stranger and it’s took alor for me to be convinced that people will believe me these people will resssure you. Just think of it this way your not there to take the abuse anymore will your child be subject to it now? His still playing games they don’t stop x*x

Also with the house is it jointly owned? If you report the abuse you can apply for an order to have him removed from the home xx

Surely your parents could have some say in getting him to leave the property then? I think you need proper legal advice try and get a free half hour session xx

Yes I think the right thing would’ve to do is serve him notice! Since I have left I haven’t allowed contact. It has been a number of weeks and is extremly difficult. I’ve been advised he could just take our child and not return him. My ex was both emotionally and physically abusive so the police etc are looking into all this. We will be going to court for access it’s the safest option. I think my ex needs help for his agression and possible drug use( this I’m unsure of how frequent it is). I strongly advice you stop contact if you have any doubt he may not return him or your child may be in danger

Arw I’m sorry hun. I really do think you need to get your child back and stop all contact with this abusive man. You have to get the police involved you have your parents as witnesses now to his abuse! If he is agressive like that you can apply for a non mol to stop him coming near you. He is playing games and still calling the shots it’s all about control and making you panick! You have left that situation so why are you still letting him hold the cards. Please I urge you to protect yourself and your child. Phone women’s aid and explain the situation try and get a appointment with a solicitor too. I hope your ok hun xx

I promise you will be believed hun honestly I have been shown nothing but respect by police officers and women’s aid. They’ve heard it all a million times over your not the first and won’t be the last so they know exactly how it’s like. If charges aren’t even pressed at least he will be on the radar then If he went on to have another relationship at least that person may be able to check x*x

When you can try and read living with the dominator and why does he do it by Lundy Bancroft honestly these booked have helped me so much. Reading them it’s like a little light bulb goes off and you say to yourself yes that’s him! X*x

Oh hun I know what his doing his doing what my ex does. In person he can be vile and on the phone! In texts he seems reasonable and understanding. It’s all a game txts can be used as evidence against him. What he says in person or on the phone he thinks you can’t use. I voice record phone calls now. These men are so devious. His setting you up to look a bad mom and will try everything he can think of. Don’t trust that he isn’t clever with this he will be writing it all down xx

You can’t negotiate with a n********t their is no reasoning. I’ve heard alor of people on here say about they just keep moving the goal posts and that is so true. You’ve spent no doubt years trying to make this man happy and figure him out. You won’t he doesn’t want you to and constantly changes his game to tangle you up. Now he will do that via your child xx

Yellow flower is so right. There is no negotiation. You need to decide with your solicitor what it is you want. Access wise and stick to that. You can download an app I think for voice recording or meantime just use speaker and record on another device. However email is best I think then you can open these when you feel able to deal with him. He’s already made a huge mistake by withholding your child. The court will take a very dim view of that and the meeting will be to smooth this over and probably try to blame you. Don’t go to the house. You don’t know if his brother will be there. This is the most dangerous time for you. You will be believed. Not one person didn’t believe me.

Yellow flower is so right. There is no negotiation. You need to decide with your solicitor what it is you want. Access wise and stick to that. You can download an app I think for voice recording or meantime just use speaker and record on another device. However email is best I think then you can open these when you feel able to deal with him. He’s already made a huge mistake by withholding your child. The court will take a very dim view of that and the meeting will be to smooth this over and probably try to blame you. Don’t go to the house. You don’t know if his brother will be there. This is the most dangerous time for you. You will be believed. Not one person didn’t believe me. You need to fear him. If he was abusive in the relationship, you’re going to see that abuse multiply. The gloves are very much off now and he will destroy you and leave you with nothing if he can. He will be playing the victim.

If you can’t get an app I would stick to like you said just txts or emails! If you pursue court or he does he will portray himself as this amazing person and try to make you look bad. You must protect yourself. Has he brought back your child now? Xx

I would certainly start writing down all this behaviour. I think he will constantly play mind games with you and never be happy with your choices… I strongly suggest you get a plan in place. You need to go to court I’m afraid. There is an order that you can apply for which means you are allowed to take the child out of the country for holidays etc without other parents permission. You need set days and times of the week not all these mind games his playing. I would go to a solicitor and find out how to start the process. Sorry you say his recording today’s meeting? Yes let him and you can too. Keep all txts messages from him and dhis he speak to him on the phone unless like you said you can record him. Your sister will be w witness today which is good too I’m glad you not going on your own! Please don’t let this man dictate to you any further you are trying to be reasonable with him but his incapable of doing that back x*x

ive been through this and was at the same stage (detail removed by moderator) years ago now. the ladies above have given you good advice. i know you are scared and this is your protective instincts off course kicking in. your going to be in a tail spin so its hard to think logically. you really have to not go today for this meeting – id inform the police of the situation you are in and stay with someone you trust for now. let the time pass with no contact with the kids – let him know with one text ‘you will here through my solicitor re; the plan for contact from now on – this has to be in the best interest off our child/children so set’ book an appointment to see a solicitor – court will take 1 month. youll have time to then get the right people behind you for court so GP to write about whats happening and your fear + the child witnessing this. the police and solicitor can work through any abduction senarios ie a clause into your court order. womens id will go with you to court and provide you with supporting letters you cant mediate with an abusive man it dosent work and isnt recommended by wa xxi wouldnt leave the country just now id stay well away until the first court hearing.

i know this is hard but its the first step in becoming free from him and this abuse. you can do this the main thing right now is be safe both of you xxxx

i know its horrendous i was terrified off my ex at this point too. id call the help line get there advice they may say call 101 to be on the radar xxxx

the thing is going on like this is more dangerous in the long run. by law he cant come to the house and kick off – once the police get involved these men go running scared. this wont look good for him xx

When you go with your sister is this when’s your child will be handed over? If so I suggest going just so you’ve got her back but please back sure you take your sister. I was in exactly the same situation and my solicitor couldn’t tell me what to do but advised to leave and stop contact for much safety and my childs. If he was to turn up at your home simply ring the police and When they come give a statement. I was like you thinking I’ve made it so much worse but think how he is now… give it another year and his still playing games your life will be back to what it was before. X*x

id clarify with womens aid maybe contact the mediator – from my gut i wouldnt go you have to cut contact one way or another and no time is a good time xxxx your going to try to pasify him by going but you cant keep on like that – one time is scarey to stand up to him (safely) do this with advice from wa xxxx i wouldnt hand her/him over personally xxxx is it too late to call wa?

Sorry I’ve just seen your previous post. If he kicks off then it will just look bad on him and show who he is. But If his anything like my ex he will surprise you and be very calm and show no agression it’s all one big game hun I’m afraid xx

all smoke and no fire MOST of the time but im not sure id risk it xxxx

dont go – he will dictate the contact if you let him and this will make your child piggy in the middle. its not good for them she needs consistency. he will play games with you and her. id let him know the meeting later isnt a good idea – call womens aid and see what they would do in planning this from here xx i think if you go it will bring you more turmoil increase your fear he will think he holds all the cards. he dosent i promise, you need the professionals on your side – thats your right your a good mum your protecting your little girl so dont be scared xx

I’d leave it -don’t respond until you get advice from wa and get on to a solicitor on monday recommended from them. If he comes near the house I’d call 101. I don’t think he will but if he does call them straight away. Can you have someone stay with you or go to your sisters xx I know this is a big step but I think wa may want you to tell police 101 your frightened -I’d give them the heads up I did and I also said that he would deny it all. you should have to made to feel this way. It’s against the law now coercive control.

He will probably want to text back and forth – eventually it’s best to get a pay as you go phone for him only and if need be ask that a third party handles the communication. Sounds severe but fizzy lem has recently had to this I’m sure she can advise x*x

When you take the control back he will fight back. That is harassment – a policeman I know told me when I asked him about this very subject. If you tell him do not contact me by phone again this will be done through professional and netball channels now – he needs to respect that. He will probably not listen so he may harass you. So the difference is if you respond this is then seen by the authoritys as t*t for tat but if you ignore him and he keeps on they can act it’s then harassment. You’ve warned him. How do you feel about this ? I an only go on my experience but it worked xxxxx

Neutral not netball sorry xx ☺

Tell him ur getting a solicitor and ALL correspondence will be done through her. It’s the only way. Then don’t respond at all. You can’t handle this alone.

These men don’t stop until they’re made to stop by the authoritys xx

Don’t respond get the advice you need and once you know text what KIP advised then step back xxI did this I had a police report for court statting in one day I had 50 text messages they classed it as harassment and abusive behaviour xx he will stop once he’s been told not too by the police or solicitor. Deep down these men when shown up are weak xx

Dear Lavenderrose

Please tell the police you are terrified. They need to know. Explain to them that you are terrified of him and him taking your toddler, that each day has been filled with this trauma for you and your baby, that he threatened you and gets aggressive and is very controlling. That you are too scared to let her go again.

Then cut all contact and stay safe, calling 999 if he turns up.

His aggressive and anti-social behaviour is sufficient reason for him to be evicted.

There is no need for you to talk to him again, or see him. As he has made threats to take your toddler it is no longer safe for him to have unspecified contact. Speak to a contact centre and give them his details, they will call him and offer contact and supervise it. Make sure you tell them everything.

You can drop off your toddler after he’s already arrived and then leave. He can then be kept in a room whilst you collect and safely leave.

My heart goes out to you it really does,this situation has to stop and he is clearly not going to stop so you need to get lots of support and the police on side.

If you stop contact, he will have to make the application if he wants contact, but it’ll have to done properly through court and not through contact any more.

He can live how he wants but he can’t force you and your toddler to live this way another day.

Withdraw, and go on holiday with your toddler with your family.

You need to both be safe at all times.

Stay far away from him. Change your phone number, and tell everyone else your new one and only communicate with him to say he needs to stopping contacting you.

I am so sorry you are feeling so scared, but the only way out is to take back control of your own life and protect you both, with the help of police and support from others, like WA.

Warmest wishes

TS

He refused to return your child. He’s the one who looks bad. That was a huge mistake on his part and that’s the bottom line for you and your child. You absolutely did the right thing. That anxiety you feel is justified but he cannot bully a solicitor.

He needs evidence to make you look bad you’ve done nothing but keep you both safe that’s all xx he’s conditioned you to feel this way but that’s his reality. The police and wa will be on your side xxxx

i found this info – id imagine your solicitor can advise xx

Taking a child abroad
Depending on whether your child’s other parent has parental responsibility, you may need consent to take your child abroad. If your child has a relationship with their other parent and sees them regularly, let them know the travel arrangements, even if you don’t need their consent:

If you’re the only person with parental responsibility – you don’t need the consent of the other parent to take your child abroad.
If there’s someone else with parental responsibility – you need their consent unless you have a residence order or child arrangements order where you are named as the parent with residence – see below.
If you have a child arrangements order or a residence order stating that your child lives with you – you can take them abroad for up to one month without the consent of anyone else with parental responsibility, unless there is a court order preventing you.
If you have a child arrangements order which stipulates when your child stays with each parent – you will need to stick to arrangement in the order, so in practice, you will probably need consent so
that you don’t break the terms of the order.

Does he already know about the holiday abroad? If he does know and hasn’t raised an objection then I don’t see s problem.

I’d imagine you would and even if you hadn’t put your foot down today he wouldn’t have given his consent do you think ? Its hard because I don’t know the full situation.ok so you need to see the doctor ASAP the legal aid could take a while but the solicitor could still advise you and start working on what’s next. I think you have plenty off time to get this sorted can you see a solicitor thus week. Not sure when your holidays booked xx I’d say go if you can legally a break would be good breathing space xx

Has he applied for legal aid? You will have residency being the mother he gets residential over nights but if abuse is proven I wouldn’t give him that xxxx

As far as I am aware (at this stage myself) a residency order or otherwise known as child arrangement order can be applied for my either parent it really makes no odds however let him do it as it will cost £215. However he must attend a mediation meeting first he will then request you attend but I strongly advice you don’t and get a letter from your gp or WA to excuse you. Then if you refuse to on these grounds he has to apply for the child arrangement order. He then has to serve you the papers so you know what’s going on. From applying to the first court hearing is 4 weeks. Depending on if you can come and I am agreement on the first hearing then it can be finalised. However i really do think you need to make the police aware of the abuse as he will be awarded time alone with your child and still be having contact with you! Just take time to consider it. Honestly don’t panick I did and I really shouldn’t of it’s a very lengthy process.

that sounds the exact same as me at this stage yellow flower – (detail removed by moderator) xx we couldnt agree and the contact was built form contact centre supervised hen to handover at contact centre to one afternoon then he got two over nights. it didnt work out and she wouldnt go so it went back to supervised. she then became emotionally ill with it and the contact was stopped through court xxxx sorry very long winded xx

so the doctor can write you a letter for you to collect xx

*supervised [contact] not specified 🤔

You don’t need to do anything, or pay for anything, just keep you both sfae and tell everyone why. If he wants contact he goes to court and applies for it

He might not even bother. He has not done himself any favours but you must make the police aware and they can take statements.

You can apply to have his or removed based on his abuses. He has no right to be having a child in his care with his volatile temperament and controlling ways. It’s harmful to you both.

Please call Rights of women to check your legal position.

Also you can separately apply for a non-molestation order exparte direct to court for free.

That can be done in a day. Make sure it is lodged with police and has power of arrest attached.

This will protect you both or he will land himself in hot water if he defies the court ruling.

Warmest wishes

TS

*PR

well its a lot to take in and i hope i for one havent overwhelmed you. im here if you need advice from my experience any time you need it. i have to say you sound very organised already xx just let us know if your struggling with anything a great book to read is when dad hurts mum from amazon this book was a gods send i thought. remember this time wont last forever you will be free off him soon xx

The NSPCC helpline I’ve heard are good too x

try you local one in the morning xx i hope you can get some rest tonight xx

A ‘prohibited steps order’ prevents a parent from exercising their full parental responsibility without consent of the court. id say that they have taken you seriously in going forward xx

This sounds like a good first step. Hopefully it means you can have that much needed holiday x and he also cannot keep your child from you x

You need backing would someone from wa go to see a different solicitor. Without evidence they will presume your both ok xx as is not the case for him

So I guess it’s time to step back and look at this. It might be better approaching the solicitor with the statement from you gp on what’s happening and how this is affecting you. The court goes with the children’s act 1989 (which is very old!)so wa could write too – get them to do a risk assessment for you and take that. You can build on your evidence like a diary or journal – witness statements from people who have seen his abuse especially infront of the child. You see they don’t take what’s happened to us into consideration although they should. It’s what happens infront off or what is likely or could happen to the child when in his care x*x

I would think an arrangement order is for two reasonable people who are both rational and have the child’s best interests at heart and can communicate without being abusive. This, sadly is not the case. So the prohibitive steps order I would think is the way forward for you. Don’t be bullied. Write down, and be adamant from the start that you fear he won’t return your child as he has already done. And that he will not behave in a civil manner, which he has already shown. And that you fear for your own safety and that of your child. I got a real sense of minimising right from the beginning. If you get the gut feeling that the solicitor doesn’t get it, find another one. It’s upto you to run this show and keep pushing your point. Don’t be intimidated by a solicitor. She is there for you to instruct x

Kip is right I had 3 different solicitors xx I wish now I’d represented myself. My last solicitor got it xx you’ll hit hurdles and this is th first but if you keep going they’ll listen xx

Ignore him, refuse contact.

He will have to apply for a contact order. His costs.

You will need to tell the police what’s been happening and have statements from your witnesses.

Keep all examples.of abuse via your phone or emails. Make sure you tell him not to contact you again. Let the police know you have done this.

Another mother on here was recently told by SS to stop contact, you need to show all parties your steps and why.

Make it very clear for them your actions are a direct response to his unsafe behaviour and threats.

If he pursues this through court, you resist it, you show your evidence.

In one day you can get a non-molestation, exparte (separate from him with no automatic right of reaponse/) to keep you both safe.
It’s free!

Warmest wishes

TS

ive just googled that – exparte wow why dont the solicitors tell you about that? xx i had no idea this exsisted wish i had when i was going through this xx
love diymum

I remember that panic but please take some very deep breaths. You’re absolutely doing the right thing. The alternative is you allow him to take your child and he withholds her until you go through the court process. That’s unbearable. Have you engaged a solicitor?

I remember this huge sense of panick but honestly hun nothing gets sorted quickly so try to remain calm. Book your appointment and go from there one step at a time x*x

I honestly think that all solicitors will grab any work, even when they are not specialists in it.

They are supposed to advocate for you and know your safest routes, but they don’t, well only few.

He can be evicted based on his anti social behaviour, but you’ll need to also report it to the police.

I’m pretty sure I remember your situation from before,or someone with very similar.

Give him notice to quit, or get immediate non-molestation, for free, and residency order.

Warmest wishes

TS

Always trust your gut feeling. Don’t allow access until there is a legal order in place.

i agree with kip when it comes to these guys go with your gut. you cant afford for her not to be returned. as far as him do nothing and keep preparing to get the people on side that you need xx

Is the letter from him or a solicitor? I’d push ahead with the prohibitive steps order. Once your child is safe and the law is on your side, you will be much better placed to decide about his access. Women’s aid do not recommend mediation for very good reasons. He will lie, bully, twist and manipulate. I haven’t done a prohibitive steps order but I’m assuming you get to write all the things in it that’s he’s prohibited from doing. If your biggest concern is that he does not return your child then this needs to be in place. For your own peace of mind. My worst nightmare would be if he kept her. And having then to navigate the court process. Having this order keeps you in the driving seat. Never ever trust what he says. You’ve tried that route and it doesn’t work. Lean on the advice of the solicitor as long as she knows he has an abusive nature x

id go back to the solicitor and ask he may be trying to make you look unreasonable (therefore not eligible for legal aid) if you get a letter from womens aid stating that mediation is not appropriate that would work. i went to a drop in clinic to get this letter on headed paper from womens aid xxxx

get the prohibited steps order as soon as you can xx

im mean in that in ‘normal non abusive relationships’ the court see this as an attempt at being reasonable about contact with the court having to decide. in these circumstances because theres a power struggle it dosent end up meaning you guys come to a fair agreement xx for you especially

it sounds like his solicitor has suggested mediation x*x

We may decide we should withdraw your legal aid – for example, if:
• Your financial circumstances change and you no longer qualify.
• You are conducting the case unreasonably.
• You have made a false declaration.
• You do not pay a contribution we have decided you should pay.
If this happens, we will give you the opportunity to tell us why you
think we should not withdraw legal aid.

this can apply to him conducting this unreasonably – i fought this and my ex was denied his legal aid for a year xx

it is unreasonable to use public funds for the case. also this is the point i made and got the MP on side xx

is that what the lawyer has said? xx

“So update – he’s taken our child as agreed but refusing to bring her back when I asked he’s said he’s having her until (detail removed by moderator)! He was aggressive and gunning for a fight (verbal) witnessed by both my parents”

Here is what he did to you. He refused to bring her back. Leaving you extremely distressed and fearful for her. He was aggressive. I don’t understand how that’s not enough for a prohibitive steps order?

i agree you might have to be forceful – ie log what happened with the police that this was threatened and ask your parents to provide witness statements for the lawyer and police xx id ring 101 for advice x

we get fobbed off in this but if you keep going someone will listen xx this is the frustrating thing

Ignore him. The contact should be done via your solicitor. Have you already told him to make contact via your solicitor? Yes, he will jump all over the place. Change his mind. Change his opinion. Lie. Gaslight. Everything you experienced in your relationship will continue if you allow direct contact. Let your solicitor deal with him and if he turns up don’t let him in and ring the police. Tell them you’re scared and fear for your safety. That you have engaged a solicitor because of his behaviour to deal with the situation. Have you got a cheap pay as you go phone yet. Put your old sim in it just for him and change your number for everyone else. That way you can switch it off and on when you can deal with it.