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Hi
When I was with my ex he wanted a baby not long after we got together. It hadn’t even entered my mind as I was career driven. I wanted kids eventually but not at that moment. He asked me just as my work was taking off in a big way.
He made me feel guilty as he didn’t want to be an old dad as he was older than me. Eventually I said OK because I felt bad. In that split second he said… Where are your contraceptive pills… Found them and popped them all out the packet and into the toilet.
I just stood there like omg and I panicked. That night the sex started… Every night. Some evenings I’d say I’m tired or I had a bad stomach…anything to try get out of it.. I’ve never begged god so much for my period to come. If I didn’t have sex with him he would say… Don’t you love me anymore? If you loved me you’d have sex with. Me… Or he’d give me the silent treatment.
I’d feel so bad and guilty I’d let him have sex with me. I wouldn’t even look at him… His body odour making me feel sick. But I felt If I didn’t let him he would continue to make me feel bad.
I’ve never classed it as rape personally because I don’t want to think that is what it was. But I felt like I was pressured into it for his own needs.
Curious to know what other people think because I’m struggling with this feeling right now -
Full consent must be given without fear or threats or consequences. Anything less I’d consider rape. Have a look at the Thames Valley Rape Video. I think it’s called A Cup of Tea. You can also ring the Rape Crisis helpline. They were really helpful and very understanding. Can you imagine him doing this early in the relationship when sex was totally consensual? The boundaries change for these men. Until there are no boundaries. Why anybody would want to have sex with someone who is not fully consenting and enthusiastic is beyond me. It’s really quite sick.
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This is definitely reproductive coercion. It may also be rape or assault. The whole thing around consent is a very grey area it seems. Even though I also wanted to use protection, I’ve been told I consented because I carried on having sex. But the fact here is that the consent isn’t fully and freely given because it involved coercion and persuasion particularly as consequences are attached (threats to leave etc). I definitely did NOT consent and I certainly didn’t consent to being hurt during sex. The fact is that this all centres around coercion and reproductive coercion in particular is one of the least talked about aspects of coercive control. I don’t see much about it at all but it’s definitely an offence. The police unfortunately have not recognised it in my case and now it’s an uphill battle because I didn’t ask for the sexual assault box to be ticked. Unfortunately I was also in the same situation where I was not fully realising that what had happened to me was serious and it grieves me that I am being made to feel like a liar because I didn’t realise or understand at the time of reporting. What you describe is coercive control and it is a crime. Mine went further again and he and his friend put a great deal of pressure on me to then have an abortion which is also reproductive control. It’s scandalous that forces are not recognising this as a crime. It is all part of assault. What hope do we have when the police don’t even recognise what is assault and coercive control. It absolutely is and I only hope that you will be taken more seriously than I have.
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