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It’s overwhelmed me today and I need to speak to someone anyone who understands all this. I left my partner with our children after feeling like I just couldn’t cope with it anymore. There were incidents of physical abuse which he always blamed on me and made me feel I had instigated it somehow and it made me doubt my own thoughts. The verbal abuse is what messed with my head the most. My partner would go into rages screaming and shouting swearing and calling me names. It would come from no where and with no warning. I’d never shout back I’d learnt that wouldn’t help the situation. So I took it I would come away every time thinking how could I have handled that better did I word something wrong what set him off? I tried to be the perfect partner I really did. Often He would say he loved me that much and was passionate about me that it would cause such emotion when I did something wrong that he would get frustrated and angry and it would come out all wrong he said he never meant to be like that. It escalated after our youngest was born and I just didn’t know where else to turn I tried everything I could to get him to stop shouting to stop raging at me but he couldn’t accept he had a problem. So I had to go I felt I had no choice I honestly couldn’t take anymore shouting at me. Since leaving his told various authorities that I am infact the abusive one and that I need mental help for my problems….and here’s the big problem. I still love him despite all of this. I know your going to say it’s a trauma bond and in time I’ll get over him. But I loved our little family I loved those little moments we did have where everything seemed perfect he could be my best friend at times I felt he was my soul mate the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I’d finally found the one. Why did he have to behave that way at times why couldn’t he stop it for us for our family. Did I bail out on him too soon? Should I have tried harder to get him to get help. Should I have supported him because that’s what you do when you love someone isn’t it you don’t just bail? The urge to talk to him is massive. I just want everything to be ok I just want his arms around me and i want to close my eyes and forget eveything. I love him still and I wish I didn’t but I do. I wonder what his doing all the time I wonder if we were back there’s what we would all be doing as a family today. I know if I dropped all allergations and told my family and friends I was going back they would be devestated I know they wouldn’t understand. Is there any hope? Has anyone ever seen men like this truely change when they have lost everything. Do they ever have that lightbulb moment and think omg she did everything for me she possibly could I’ve been an idiot? I’m sorry to rant I just don’t know where else to turn to. My friend said to me yesterday that I’ll be over it soon and everything happens for a reason and that perhaps I’m not destined to be with anyone. I honestly thought he was my destiny. I just feel so lonely I miss him and our life. Xx
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The man your missing just doesn’t exist. This is how abusers keep us trapped, by pretending to be our soul mate. By blaming us for their behaviour. From what you’ve told me he fits perfectly into the category of abuser. And they don’t change because they enjoy abusing you. They enjoy the high they get from keeping you down, from frightening you. It gives them a huge sense of power and control. It’s okay to love but to walk away and that’s what you need to do, not just for you but for your children too. You couldn’t cope with it, that’s why you left. Our brains will try to push the good memories to the front to protect us from the bad. For every good memory you think of, replace that with a bad memory. I know it’s hard to accept but he chose to abuse you. He chose to destroy you. All of these things were done without witnesses so he knows it’s wrong. He’s not your responsibility and it’s not upto you to change his behaviour. He’s an adult and won’t change. There is a good life out there, and things will get easier. Realistically, allowing him back in your life may give to temporary respite from your pain, but long term the damage will be much worse.
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hi yellowflower Kip is so right he is an abuser. and speaking from experience of taki g him back on numerous occasions the abuse got worse and worse. i totally understand when you say you miss him hes been part of your life a longtime. getting out is the biggest and bravest thing you will ever do but when you take control of your own life anf thoughts you will never look back. there will be high and low days but you will get through it. he chose to abuse you, you made the right choice in leaving. be strong you can do this big hugs.. xx
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