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I’ve been with my boyfriend for quite a long time, we met when we were very young and planned our whole lives together because we were both very naïve. Obviously meeting so young we’ve both grown up and become very different people and want very different things but he still wants to spend our whole lives together and gets mad at me if I talk about a plan I have that doesn’t include him. He’s never been physically abusive but has been emotionally abusive for a couple of years and it’s so draining. I have no energy to take care of myself anymore and what hurts the most is I had a boyfriend before who used to do similar things and my current boyfriend promised me he would never be like that and now he’s worse.
Honestly I don’t want to be with him anymore but every time something comes up about not being together he threatens to kill himself and blatantly blames me for this. I know everyone says that it’s very unlikely that they will end up going through with it but how do you take that risk? And if they do how do you get over that? I feel so guilty for even wanting to break up with him because I feel responsible for him wanting to hurt himself (I know everyone says it’s not my responsibility but I can’t help but feel that). I feel trapped and am scared to do it for fear of hurting himself and me. I’ve seen him get quite aggressive when he’s angry or upset and he’s a lot stronger and bigger than me and I’m scared. He constantly puts me down and checks my phone, I’m not allowed to be friends with any guys he doesn’t know well and if I am he messages them on my phone and then blocks them. I don’t know what to do or how to deal with it.
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Hi A, have you thought of counselling? Might help you to let go of feeling responsible for him, see the manipulation tactics for what they are, and gain some strength to leave. To begin it’s probably about pulling in your support, he’s too big of an influence on you and your thoughts right now, so the scales need evening. It’s great you’ve reached out on here. Could you get yourself a womens aid support worker from the local charity?
One piece of advise I would recommend is ‘stop listening to him’, he’s not a reliable witness to you, has a scewed, warped thinking, so anything he tells you about you should not be taken in, he no doubt lies as well x
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Thank you so much for your advise, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it! I’m trying to get in touch with a mental health system in my area to get some counselling to deal with it.
Thank you for saying that, it puts everything into perspective hearing that from an unbiased view. It also makes a lot of sense, I think I see everything through his eyes which I’m trying to combat xx
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Make a safe exit plan without him knowing. Ending a relationship with an abuser is always dangerous. That’s why you fear him. Abusers control us using fear, guilt and obligation. Yes, he’s not your responsibility and if he threatens suicide then ring an ambulance. These threats are a very common tactic used by abusers however I bet he changes his mind when the ambulance arrives. If he’s threatening suicide then he needs professional mental health care that you’re not qualified to give him. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven or Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Keep reading other posts on here. Any promises you made for your future were broken the minute he began his abusive behaviour. You do not have to put up with this behaviour x
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