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I’m long past breeding and live in the shadow of being used for decades as a sex toy. An object. I didn’t recognise my ex’s behaviour at the beginning of the relationship. I found it a bit odd and I thought it would change. Of course I was wrong. Consent when you are an object is irrelevant. He said he’d never rape me or do anything ‘like that’. I wanted to believe him. I was wrong. Although he didn’t hold me at knife point or openly threaten me, there were more times than I can shake a stick at when I was unable to consent. There were more times than I can remember when I felt used and unable to leave.
Now in a different relationship, I struggle with the physical side and I still live in these dark and gloomy shadows. Rape Crisis has been brilliant, but because of his continued abuse I am unable to seek further help for the trauma.
I so want my body to belong back to me and feel as I did before the relationship with my ex. Now the breeding part of my life is over, I would like to find sex as a source of closeness and intimacy. I don’t know what to do.
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If I was in a loving committed relationship I’d begin with small things like kissing and touching. It might take a while to build up to sex and even then I’d need to be in charge. Sex in a loving sharing relationship is wonderful. There are sex therapists out there too. Just don’t put any pressure on yourself. I’ve been through the menopause. The only thing that put me off sex was the nasty rapist I was supposed to have it with. Not everybody is like that. You’re in charge of your body it’s empowering to decide who gets near it x
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