A different level of pain

[abusedtoy]

The pain that my abusers have inflicted upon me, during extreme sexual, physical and psychological ritual abuse, was unspeakable. It was a different level of pain that can only be depicted architecturally, for no words can justify it. It is beyond the terms, being extremely profound, a maximal emptiness, which my inside world was screaming to the sky that is without a ceiling. Feeling inferior as dust, to what is overpowering above and a reoccurring death drowning scene, in which I fall.

They have raped and molested me daily, which I was already deeply wounded, but being wounded again and again emotionally, was an amplification of that traumatic pain. The repetitive re-traumatizing blows were severe enough, I was feeling complete numbness with out-of-body experiences. The trauma was deep enough, my spirit was being split asunder, which I was looking at myself in detachment.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi abusedtoy
What you’ve been subjected to is beyond dreadful, I can’t even express or help you properly with just words.
Are you receiving support? I think you will need very specific psychological and psychiatric support from experienced professionals who dealt with long term ritual abuse.
I wouldn’t know where to look for such support though, have you been in touch with your GP?
I hope you can heal with lots of care.
Take good care of yourself.

[abusedtoy]

I’m still finding one who’s trained in both complex trauma and complex dissociation DID. It’s now my 10th psychiatrist and 4-5 psychologists. It took so much effort and I’m in desperate need and still searching. I’m in Australia

[fizzylem]

You’ve learnt to disassociate to survive haven’t you, detach the self from your body. These people need locking up, have you felt able to report?

I have a friend who was gang raped a number of times as a small child and repeatedly psychologially and physically abused until she left as a young woman. She helps others now and leads a full life, it has not defined her, she recovered and she is one of the wisest most compassionate souls I know, in fact she is my hero. I think if she can pick up and carry on after what she went through and find meaning, value and contentment in life then we all have the potential to overcome horrific trauma. You are much more than this x

[abusedtoy]

Yes. Dissociation was the only way when there was no help. I haven’t reported officially yet because my memories are fragmented and incomplete I don’t want to sound dumb to police when I only have partial memories revived.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Abusedtoy

My heart goes out to you, I can’t explain how sorry I am for what you went through. You seem to be a very courageous woman, seeking support, not giving up. My respect to you.
I didn’t go through even a fifth of what you went through and still had two therapies + two short trials and errors therapies and I still don’t think I am ‘cured’. I am telling you this because I sympathise with searching for support and trying and searching…never giving up.

Here two leads which can be helpful to you:

Rape Crisis
“
Rape Crisis England & Wales is the umbrella body for a network of independent Rape Crisis Centres.
All our member Centres provide specialist support and services for victims and survivors of sexual violence.
“
I would advice you to contact them perhaps they know of similar charity located in Australia and can point you to it.
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

Another one is Bessel van der Kolk, director of the Complex Trauma Treatment Network. Network suggests global so I would contact them too and find out where in Australia they can help you. Their website and contact details below:
https://www.cttntraumatraining.org/contact-us.html

Good luck in searching and keep posting.
💕

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