A glimpse of life as it could have been.

[nbumblebee]

My husband has gone away for a few days for the first time ever. He said he feels now i can be trusted!! Things have been calmer for months now with him. Its only day one but ive noticed how much calmer life is how calmer I am. I met my sons girlf for the first time we have chatted at night. We are all just chilled. Im trying to enjoy it to take it all in but I keep thinking this is how life should be no fear no worry. I do keep forgetting and panic seeps in but i quickly remind myself hes not home and all is well again. Its almost like this is what you couldve had and its gonna be so hard when he comes back. I am lonley but Im always lonley whether he is here or not. I feel so guilty that i dont miss him at all that actually this is my ideal life this is what I want for me and the kids its so sad and im so horrid to think this after all he has tried the last few months so hard but I cant forget and I cant forgive yet still I cant leave.

[Better-days]

I understand exactly how you feel the calmness in my home when he is not here.  that feeling of guilt when times r good. I know he’s trying and iv just contacted the homeless team they have sent me an application form sitting with it infront of me not even filled it in and the guilt that I’m experiencing is like nothing else. Enjoy ur well deserved break hunni it’s needed. Xxxx

[nbumblebee]

Wow thats a brave thing to do betterdays even if youve not filled it in as yet to reach out was an amazing thing to do. Be proud of that. I am enjoying my peace but its not long enough I want this to be my forever but fear it never will. X

[tiredofitall]

I’m so glad that you are getting this time to relax and sounds like you are making the most of it.

I remember how I was struck between how me and the children moved around the house when he wasn’t there – chatting, laughing, doing what we wanted and how it changed when he was at home – everyone staying in their rooms and only coming into shared spaces if they had to.  All because we couldn’t predict when he would turn on us.

I tried really hard to enjoy those times but there was always a knot in my stomach, my ears were tuned in listening for the sound of his car so we could all scramble away.  Its crazy!

These feelings were one of the starting points that eventually led me to leaving.  I felt so lonely like you.  The irony is that now I have left and I am on my own I don’t feel lonely.  Because I’ve now got the freedom to be open with my friends and family and to branch out and do things with other people (fitness classes, work drinks etc).  Things I didn’t do when I was married.  I felt lonely in my marriage because he didn’t really care about me and I felt unloved and misunderstood and unwanted.  For years and years.

I hope you enjoy this break, you deserve it. x

 

 

[nbumblebee]

Thank you for this. I am off out with some life long friends something ive never ever done before without him. I actually dont want to go i feel guilty i feel scared even though hes not here. It is so lovley without him here yet i feel like its not fair as its almost like hey “look at what you could of had” im trying not to let that spoil my peace and just enjoy as its going way too fast. X

[nbumblebee]

@Better-days and @tiredofitall Im sorry but I had to talk. I went out with girl friends their husbands are friends with mine. They were telling me things that there husbands were achieving that they couldnt tell mine for fear of him taking the mic or reacting badly. They said that my husband was controlling. I wanted to stick up for him I actually felt bad for my husband but knew that they were telling the truth. I dont get it. I dont know how im supposed to feel. Im sad angry confused.

[Better-days]

I totally understand exactly how you feel there’s been many times certain members of my family have said things and it’s very hurting I tend to play all his actions down is it because I’m ashamed or is it to protect him I don’t know but what I do know is it leaves you feeling deflated and hurt even tho u know it’s the truth have people you love say it hits hard. I hope ur ok I understand ur feelings at this time can feel like the world’s against you keep strong ❤️

[tiredofitall]

Sorry for not replying sooner.  I just wanted to say I completely understand this.  My ex was very judgmental about others – he always put people down.  Sometimes when he was with other people he’d really turn on the charm but sometimes he would be moody and you could feel an atmosphere.  Towards the end I hating going out with him because i found it really stressful.  He also found it hard to keep a job and I started to run out of reason why the job hadn’t worked out.  I think I was scared to be honest about his shortcomings because I thought that they might start asking me why I stayed with him and then I would feel shame about the fact that I hadn’t left and I was scared to leave.

I think I felt like saying things out loud made them true and I couldn’t take it back and I was always hoping that he would change and ‘something’ would happen that would make him happier and we could have a normal life.

I hope that things have been better since you last posted x

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