A good day

[tiredofitall]

It’s been a few weeks since the family home was sold and me and the children moved into MY house. I emphasise that because the joy of being in control of my own life at last and nor bring scared to make decisions for fear of them always being the wrong one is amazing. The divorce should be finalised in a few months. I never thought I would do this. I felt like I had to keep trying to make it all work.
But the lightness in this new house without all those awful memories and the freedom of being away from his oppressive behaviour. It’s worth all those tears and frustrations and stress to get here.
I don’t know what the future holds for me now but I do know I’m not dreading it like I was when we were together.
He still phones me to tell me how he’s struggling – hes still in the same path of destroying every relationship he has with his family and losing another job. I know that the next phase has got to be creating more distance and breaking the dependence he still has on me. But it’s hard when we still have a child we need to discuss.
Any advice on managing boundaries would be appreciated!

[nbumblebee]

I have no advice but I Absolutly love love love this.
Well done you. Onwards and upwards now just be sure to take care of you now. Big hugs xxxx

[tiredofitall]

Thank you ❤️❤️
I could not have done any of this without you and the other ladies, giving me the strength and courage to believe and accept what I knew deep down was the truth. A real turning point finding this forum and people who know and understand.
I think everyone here, wherever they are in their journey, are amazing even if they don’t feel it. What we suffer and still get up every day and keep moving. ❤️

[Bananaboat]

Wow I’m smiling reading this. I remember your early posts and that internal battle, you’ve come so far. So happy for you.

I don’t have many answers or tips but I’ve found not responding to texts/comments designed to hook us in for emotional reactions (remember when type things), keeping replies short & factual (and leaving a time gap), and focusing on his actions not his words have helped me. Coparenting means we don’t get that clean break and I definitely still have the odd wobble when I see him, but then I remember he’s still playing games with child support, let’s his child down regularly, has disowned my other child and is only nice when he wants something. Using old posts on here, or ready others’ experiences when you feel those wobbles really help. Remember you can’t force someone to parent if they don’t want to so don’t waste energy chasing them up, enjoy the extra time with the kids.

[tiredofitall]

Thank you Bananaboat – your wise words and support have helped me a lot on this journey.
Good advice on allowing time before responding – it’s instinctive to feel like I have to reply straight away, a trigger from before.
I guess I’m going to have to be aware and learn new ways to deal with him. And like before, he isn’t always awful but he is always manipulating or looking for reactions. I have to stay alert to not be sucked in to his stuff again.

[Bananaboat]

Oh yes it’s a hard habit to break, I’m still full of anxiety until I do reply but definitely a good one to stick to. You’re learning how to play a new version of their game now and there’s up & downs, but boy are those days when you feel free, dance in the kitchen and watch your kids smile worth it!! This forum is a godsend isn’t it ❤️❤️

[Footballfan1]

Hi Tiredofitall,

Congratulations on your new home, that is amazing and you should feel so proud.
He is trying the hoovering tactics, all woe him.

I’ve had to go 0 contact for now, even for the kids.
I can’t imagine having to deal with him ever again, even though I know I will need to in the near future.

If you apply for a child arrangement order, the exact amount of contact with your child will be agreed on.

You can get an app to communicate with each other regarding your child. It gets monitored so it should reduce or get rid of his abuse and control that he would normally be able to get away with?
Keep posting and take each day at a time, it’s all new and strange and although you are clearly feeling upbeat and positive, it can also become overwhelming and emotional xx

[Author]

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