A Lightening Bolt of Realisation

[Emmlogan]

I was right in the middle of writing to you ladies to ask you to send me some strength to deal with what has just happened but, while I was writing, I realised that today I don’t need it, as today I realised that I have my own strength, on a level that I have only just realised I’ve have. I am so proud of myself at this moment in time that I thought I would write my post anyway, because you ladies on here have played such an important part of my journey to this moment. The thing is, he’s resurfaced again, after months of silence, after months of me feeling like he’d finally given up and gone away. Apparently he’s ‘desperately sorry’ and ‘utterly heart broken’. Apparently he’s ‘so sorry he hurt [me]’ and apparently he is ‘devastated every morning when he has to wake up without [me]’. But, with the help of you ladies, with the help of Women’s Aid, with the help of the 12 week Freedom Programme I so proudly completed and with the help of (detail removed by Moderator), who so patiently listened to me spill my guts every week, unravelling the chaos of my experience and laying it out in front of me so I could so clearly see what he had done to me, the abuse I suffered, all I feel when I read his words is ‘tough sh*t mate!’

I once read that while we embark on this journey to freedom, there would be points of lightening bolt shifts in our thinking, that we would remember for ever. I didn’t know how true this was going to be but I have had many of these moment. Today, realising that his words no longer had the strength to touch me, has been another one of the bolts. I mean how dare send me those words? How arrogant is it of him to think he can still work his ‘magic’ on me. Maybe he should thought about his heart being broken on the many, many occasions that I hysterically begged him to stop screaming in my face and smashing my things and calling me a c**t and throwing me out of the house. But then maybe it’s not his heart that’s broken. Maybe it’s his f***ing ego. Maybe he can’t stand that, with all of your help, I put my head up and walked away from his bulls**t, I found my freedom, and I found the strength to stay away. Thank you, you beautiful, incredible people 😙😙😙

[Bakehappy]

Thankyou. Thankyou for this post! Whilst I’m nearing the anniversary of me getting out, I’ve known for a long time my ‘strength’ must be masking the reality of what I’ve been through….I’ve felt desensitised, numb, unable to cry for so long I even considered that maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought….BUT in recent weeks my emotional well-being has nose dived and I’m currently really struggling to get through the days, I have an appointment today with my family worker and I’m going to ask for help….your post has shown me that this is what I need to do. I look forward to getting my own thunderbolts x*x

[SunshineRainflower]

It’s so wonderful when we get the lightning bolt! Whenever I read here abpout women who are about to leave but are just struggling with those last remaining ties, often of guilt, fear and confusion, I am always hoping for them to get the lightning bolt realisation which makes them leave for good and stay away.

I had a similar lightning bolt experience. I had been suffering terrible from severe anxiety, waking up retching and my ex was putting pressure on me to move the relationship forward and had stopped listening to my worries about things. He flipped out when I asked him something which descended into him verbally attacking me for about two hours as I cowered away from him, upset, confused and exhausted. I started to feel really scared of him like he was taking off a mask – this was not the same man I had been on those early dates with, this was a violent, aggressive misogynist. I told him I needed space and left that night but still hadn’t ended things fully. I started googling things he had been doing and all these articles about domestic abuse, coercive control and psychopathy kept coming up and I read them. To my horror he fitted the descriptions to a tee but I still felt so confused. I rang him to end things that week but he kept me on the phone for two hours trying to wear me down and confuse me, saying I was imagining things and I started to feel worn down again and confused, it was awful.

But then, the lightning bolt struck! I felt this surge of energy course through my exhausted, weary body. It might sound silly but I imagined it in the form of the Statue of Liberty rising up through my body declaring its own power and freedom! I heard my inner voice say “NO!” when I found myself nearly agreeing to take him back. He then said the creepiest thing which I knew was a lie and. It gave me chills and I suddenly just KNEW he was gaslighting me and that was it. I told him it was over, wished him all the best and hung up.

If that lightning bolt state of liberty hadn’t turned up I may still be with him now, heaven forbid. I felt like it was my own inner strength and power surging through me. My gut had never liked him, but I doubted my gut. Eventually it started screaming at me trying to warn me I wasn’t safe with this man. I’m so grateful for my awesome gut, and I pray all other ladies get in touch with theirs too as she will never let you down. Well done for accessing that inner strength and listening to your gut. Block him on everything, go no contact and report him for harassment if he keeps doing it. Your new life starts here 🙂

[Ruby2shoes]

Hi sorry to ask but what does a family worker do and how do you go about getting one?

[Bakehappy]

I have accessed my family worker via my children’s school, she isn’t a social worker but an early intervention worker for families having difficulties, whether that be a challenging child or other family issues. I saw mine yesterday….I had already gone to her as one of my children is suffering emotionally from all the stuff that’s gone on with their dad, but yesterday I broke down and asked for help for me…she’s amazing, she is setting the ball rolling for me to have counselling and a mental health assessment and she is going to start home visits do that she can help me and the children in our quest to function as a normal, stable family.

I’m very lucky that our school has been incredibly supportive from day 1 (actually even before that) any difficulties I face I go to them with and they always help in any way they can xx

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