A new start with my husband?

[DesperateHousewife101]

Hi all,

First of all just want to say I really appreciate this community.

I’m posting today following a really constructive conversation with my husband (detail removed by Moderator), if for nothing else a chance to reflect.

Husband went to sleep in a separate bed for a few nights as he felt I was being really cold toward him following a tough week after he told me I was lacking in charisma and needing to find a purpose. While I had agreed I needed a purpose (that is, a job, while being a SAHM with kids in school), the environment was stifling and unsupportive.

I managed to be more frank and upfront with him than ever before (and we’ve had a rocky relationship for many many years) . I told him if he was going to continue micromanaging and controlling my actions, being unkind, there was no way forward for us. He described the perception he had of me – that I was cold, uncaring, using him –  I said that wasn’t me and I didn’t want it to be me – but for that perception to change, we had to work together.

So here we are. We’ve agreed to move forward with communication and respect, try not to let each other’s “darkness” impact us negatively and to only look to past hurts for constructive rather than destructive uses.

I am aware we’ve been down a similar path together before many times and I want to be able to recognise toxic behaviour if (when?) it arises so that we can hit it on the head before it turns ugly. I am all for change and growth and I take responsibility for my part in it and hoping we can make it work.

I grew up with (detail removed by Moderator): one who was verbally abusive, one who was emotionally unavailable. My husband grew up with (detail removed by Moderator) who was abusive, and we both run the risk of continuing generational trauma.

I think everyone is capable of change and I’m grateful I have been able to have this conversation with a man who can see where things are going wrong and wants to make it right.

I sincerely hope not to have to come back here but sense I might. Behaviour is hard to change and it may be that we are unable to create the dynamic we want because we can bring out the worst in each other!

But here’s hoping.

[Lisa]

Hi DesperateHousewife101,

It’s a normal instinct to feel like we need to try everything we can to make a relationship work and to hope for the partnership we deserve, but it’s also important to recognise the tactics and cycles that abusers use. I can see that you understand that because you mention your awareness of having been down this path before and wanting to have your eyes open to abusive behaviour.

It is extremely unlikely that perpetrators of abuse will make genuine change. They feel justified in their behaviour and the beliefs that underlie it, so there is no motivation to change. Often, promises of change are a way to keep control when they sense they may be pushing things too far. A way to stop a partner from getting support or leaving, to keep things as they are because that’s what suits him. There are perpetrator programmes that can support men to change these beliefs and their behaviour, but it’s something he would need to be willing to engage with and, unfortunately, abusers can use these programmes as a part of their ongoing abuse.

His behaviour is abusive, controlling, pressuring you to change, there is nothing you could have done to justify him treating you like this. It’s not a case of there being equal wrong on each side and meeting in the middle. It’s concerning that you’re being put in the position of taking some blame for his abusive behaviour and that you’re being encouraged to let go of past abuse when your hurt and the impact it’s had on you are valid. This can be very subtle but it’s a shifting of responsibility.

Do keep posting here when you need, check out anything that doesn’t feel right, it’s important to listen to your instincts. This is a situation that many of the other women on the forum will have been through themselves and you deserve to have support through this. You could also use the Live Chat service for this if you wanted to talk anything through with a Support Worker there.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[minimeerkat]

if theres one thing the women on this forum have done its probably given their partners so many chances

ive only seen a little bit about attachment theories in the past & the one thing i do recall is that if you both have a similar ‘trauma’ response because of your upbringing it will be extremely difficult to make the relationship work

the only thing that was concerning in your posts was that you were expected to change in particular ways & how aspects of your character were being criticized – as if you were to blame & your partners behaviour was then justified

you have received such a really good response from lisa – if its at all possible for your partner to change with appropriate help & support it is unlikely to last & even if it did, it would very rarely be enough change to actually make a difference

so please keep yourself safe knowing support will always be there for you should you need it x

 

 

[minimeerkat]

p.s.  have just re read my response & realize i didnt explain something very well (sorry) – if you both have ‘insecure’ attachment issues because of your childhoods & then if for example theres a mix of anxious & avoidant types it will be extremely difficult trying to make the relationship work (although because of how aware you are of both your childhood experiences you may have already read about this) x

[Sad and alone]

I have been here many times, and they all start with me saying okay, I will try and change. I will try and be better. Basically I will do what you say. You know best and I will watch what I say, apologise every time I upset you and say it’s my fault. Needless to say it never works and I end up back in the same position.
The longest it lasted was prob three months. I made a concerted effort with our physical relationship as it was something he complained about and I realised it was lacking and thought maybe this would improve things. He’d be happier, therefore not having a go at me, and so I’d be happier and be more interested in what he wanted and be more how he wanted me to be. Thought things were working, then at the turn of the year he took some verbal swipes at me and it basically knocked the whole thing down again. I think maybe it was because I was doing as he’d asked that eventually he had to change the goalposts. I think the dynamic between us is so ingrained that it maybe felt unnatural to him to not be calling me out or criticising. Since then, during arguments about me “not trying” I’ve raised this point, but he denies even recognising any changes.
So personally I don’t think you can win. It may work for a while. He might say all the right things. But I would be aware of any signs of things slipping back into their old ways.
If it’s what you want I truly hope this is an occasion where it works out. But keep posting here if you’re concerned about anything xx

[DesperateHousewife101]

Thank you all for your advice and support. I am aware I seem to be taking responsibility for his behaviour and I am walking a fine line between doing what is right for me and keeping him happy!

I will stay with this forum to help me walk that line and continue to be aware of what is right and wrong, trying not to fall into old ways.

Any ownership I’m taking is for myself and my own actions, and trying to understand that the abuse I receive is not ok, and that it is never ok, even if I supposedly “deserve” it because I’ve not worked hard enough, or whatever.

It’s so hard to learn though. This is the only lasting “romantic’ relationship I’ve ever known and from childhood I don’t think I ever truly received emotional support through good and bad. It’s been a long road and I’m only starting to realise that while it might be normal its not ok.
I’m only learning  this as I parent my own children, and making sure they are loved unconditionally as they are, that I will support them in good times as well as bad times, however they manifest. And that if I get angry at them, that’s not their responsibility, its mine.

A big eye opener for me, and to realise that I should expect to receive that same unconditional love and support myself.

Does anyone here resonate??

[minimeerkat]

you should be so proud of yourself – youre being the mother to your children that you perhaps didnt have

if we have only ever experienced a certain type of behaviour from parent(s) or partners there has been nothing else to compare this to has there – so yes we naturally assume this is then normal.  and as adults some of us can believe we are not good enough because of how we were treated when younger, which leaves us extremely vulnerable to abuse.  so its good that you are actually starting to question things now – realizing that you deserve so much more especially from those closest to you

the truth is you were always good enough & once that begins to really sink in it will give you the confidence needed to no longer accept any behaviour that is hurtful, damaging & disrespectful x

[DesperateHousewife101]

I was about to start a new thread titled “new start with my husband” before I realised I’d already done in here one a month or so earlier! I am so grateful for this space, not just to keep a log of actions but to get support from everyone in here.

I told my husband I wanted to separate. at first he was in agreement, then the next day he was begging me to stay, that he would try, his ego got in the way but he had had a wake up call, everything in life is meaningless without me and the kids.

I told him I didn’t think we could bridge our gaps but he said he would do whatever he needed to, to keep me. He said he’ll go to therapy, I made sure he was doing it for himself and not me. I figure the least I can do is let him try, and at worst it gives me more time to work out a game plan.

Fast forward a few days, he’s love bombing and all of that. He has said no more about therapy. He seems to have relaxed now that I have agreed to stay on. Even I have relaxed. I’m emotionally spent and need time to get to grips with where we are now and to decompress with the kids back at school after holidays.  But I can’t stay this way, and I know because I’ve been here before that things won’t stay this way either.

This is not a plea for support or advice or anything. Just felt I needed to air where I am at the moment in this safe space.

[Author]

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