A strange time

[tiredofitall]

I’m not really sure why I’m here except that I know its the only place that I truly feel understood. Its been over a year since I last saw him. I found a journal that I had hidden a work while the house was being sold. It goes back 6 or so years and in it, are all the days and nights I was in despair. Feeling attacked – emotionally and occasionally physically, how desperate I felt, how I hated him AND myself for still being there. I felt sad for myself reading it – because I’m so happy now I’m free I’d kind of blurred over how unhappy I was. I don’t want to live in the memories but its left me feeling quite raw.
On top of that, he is taking our daughter on holiday and its been suggested that because he lives far away, he might want to stay at my house overnight. This is an absolute no for me. But I’m a bit muddled about whether I should allow him in the house at all – even just to pick her up. It feels mean but I’m already affected thinking about him judging everything about my new home. At the moment, it feels like its ours but if he has been inside it, it will feel contaminated by him – I can’t decide if that feels overly melodramatic. I actually am annoyed with myself for being affected by him – I’ve been lucky with him living far away. Does it ever stop? Will I ever truly be free of how he makes me feel?

[Allornothing]

Hiya, it is strange how we sometimes forget just how horrible things felt when it was bad, although it has made it raw it is a good time to reflect in helping you make this decision. It’s awful that we live a life of misery where it just becomes normality until you step away.

I don’t have much advice apart from with regards to my ex, he knew where I lived and I was trying to support him however, he started then to gradually push the boundaries – almost like at first a visitor, then comfortable enough to have a finger in my face calling me names, turning up intoxicated and denying it – just the sinister stuff that he knew would put me on edge.

Your home is YOUR home, I would advise that you keep him away as they somehow manage to cross the line so subtly and you’ve already made such an achievement, try not to let him encroach it and feel strong in saying NO and stand your ground.

You are definitely not being melodramatic! I ventured somewhere recently, twice in one day without me hesitating and worrying about it. I don’t think it will ever go away but there are certainly moments we can be proud of and hopefully it will get better!

Not sure if that is helpful at all but keep being strong, you have done amazing so far!! xx

[Bananaboat]

Your home is your safe place. As you say he’ll only find ways to criticise and that’ll stick with you long after he’s gone. Tell him to get a hotel or stay with a friend, then take your daughter there to drop off. It’s horrible how they can still trigger us, so put yourself first and as hard as it feels, saying no is ok x

[tiredofitall]

Thank you so much for taking the time and the support. I hate how he is still in my head, making me question myself. But you are right, I do need to protect this space I’ve created for us no matter how hard it feels to have to stand up for myself again. I fully get where you are coming from too about the boundaries starting to blur and they push and push. I think I do have to maintain the lines I set when we split up. Thank you for reminding me of that. I think I’m so used to my decisions with him being questioned that I wanted to be sure that this was something I could stand behind.

Also reassuring to know that I’m not the only one with wobbles.
And small pats on our backs for getting better one day at a time.

xx

[nbumblebee]

No No No you dont have to let him in at all No.
Your home is now your safe plave free from him and all he did so no way should you do anything that will spoil that let him stay elsewhere. This is now your time. Your life your rules.
That strength you have shown keep it there keep that fire in your belly and dont let him put it out. Those of you who got out and stay out are heroes to me and always will be yes you wobble my god who wouldnt after all you have been through but you always pick yourself up and you keep moving foward which is inspiring.
You are just amazing what you have done is amazing dont for one second doubt that.xxxxx

[tiredofitall]

I don’t know what I’d do without the support on here. You remind me of what I’m capable of and what’s important.
I need to set these boundaries and keep them, for my own sake.
It was tough getting here and I don’t want to lose that freedom.

[nbumblebee]

Yes I love that last line of yours yes hold on to that.
Xxxxxx

[Author]

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