A Wednesday poem for you ladies x x

[Beenherebefore]

I believe in my destiny,
The universe and fate,
I know that whatever,
My life has its date.
And while I have choices
And things I must do,
I trust that my heart
Will carry me through.

You think that you saw
What I feel, who I am
With your heartless cruel vision
There’s no way that you can
You said through the hell
That I was to blame
To me it was true love,
To you just a game

The good times were false,
Not one of them real,
You took hold of my heart
And fed me the spiel

Conquered my body,
Then mastered my mind,
Now I see why they say
Love can be blind

You cheated and conned me
So evil and cruel
Calling me crazy
To make me the fool.

I loved you so deeply
But felt so much pain
Whilst you tried to destroy me
Again and again

You tried to control me
No one deserves that
Then pretended to fix it
With ‘adventures’ and cr*p

I played on your team
For years upon years
Kept trying to please you
Through the heartache and tears

The thing is my darling,
I’m stronger than you
I wont stand for a life
Based on fear and untruths
Won’t stand to be told
I’m a sl*g or a child
Or my past and my friends
Make me loose and too wild.

And of all the words LIAR
Was the one I hate most
I lied cause you blocked me
From everyone close

You told me my friends were
So tricky, controlling
When the irony is
That’s how you were rolling.

If I were the person
You made me believe
I would seek out revenge
But i’m not, I’m just me.
No feelings of hatred
Or wanting you dead
But love and great sadness
And pity instead
Just love and respect’s
All I wanted from you
But all I have’s memories
And none of them true.

Sometimes I pray
I’ll forget you completely
Get rid of these ghosts
That portray you so sweetly.
I’m choosing my life now,
Its time to move on
Chasing my dreams and
My freedom and fun.

I’ll learn to forget you ,
The you I once knew
The role you so diligently played
So un-true
I could never have ‘saved’ you
Nor will no one else
Its all me now F*cker
I’m saving myself

[SunshineRainflower]

Did you write this Beenherebefore? I love it! I can relate to it so much, especially:

‘You cheated and conned me
So evil and cruel
Calling me crazy
To make me the fool.

I loved you so deeply
But felt so much pain
Whilst you tried to destroy me
Again and again’

and:

‘No feelings of hatred
Or wanting you dead
But love and great sadness
And pity instead
Just love and respect’s
All I wanted from you
But all I have’s memories
And none of them true.’

I also relate a lot to the idea of ghosts, I was thinking that yesterday that I sometimes feel haunted by these ghostly memories of him when he was being ‘nice,’ they turn up and confuse me and make me sad.

Thanks for sharing 🙂

[Anonymous]

Beenherebefore…
That is from the heart. The verse that said it like it was is the one about the friends, when in fact, he was like that not them. Thankyou for sharing that

[cupofcoffee]

love this poem xx

[KIP.]

I could never have saved you
Nor will noone else
Its all me now F***er
Im saving myself!

Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[lover of no contact]

Wonderful poem….

To me it was true love,
To you just a game…

The good times were false,
Not one of them real…

So true:(

[Lightness]

brilliant!

‘The good times were false,
Not one of them real’

So true.

[Pondlife]

Excellent. Most hard hitting bit for me;
“And of all the words LIAR
Was the one I hate most
I lied cause you blocked me
From everyone close”

I got accused of being a liar so much… Any vague inconsistency got me branded as a liar. It made me feel sick.

Well done. In lots of ways!!!

[lover of no contact]

And what they accuse us of..they actually are.

They lie left. right and centre. Every second word out of their mouth is a lie. And they know they lie, they don’t care.

I had to lie to him at the end as protection for myself. He wasn’t safe to tell the truth to. I feel bad if I have to lie.

Abusers lie, knowingly, to have Power and Control over us and others. They gloat knowing they are duping us and we are falling for it.

[Beenherebefore]

Thank you ladies for all your comments! It helped me focus my mind as my thoughts have been all over the place recently. Reading your posts has reminded me the reality that they are all the same- using the same tactics because they want the same outcome.

Sunshine – I adapted it from a short poem I read so it was a joint effort! The ghosts too- I can almost see images of those ‘romantic’ moments as I walk around town. Its surreal. I keep expecting him to walk out and relive them. Like you say, so confusing and sad x x

Cupofcoffee- glad you like it 🙂

KIP- So true. I need to keep channelling that ‘good riddance’ thinking!!

Pondlife- I hear that! Whenever I am called a liar now (even in a jokey way) I end up being quite defensive because I would be called it so often and without reason or from some ridiculous ‘evidence’ that he had made up. If the stool was unexpectedly in the bathroom I had clearly been sending nude photos to other men ???!!! ( I had actually given myself a bath and a hot drink which I used the stool for) for what did I know – I was a LIAR apparently. If I didnt reply to one of my friends in front of him so he could read it I was hiding something and therefore a liar. I used to race home from work (often missing out on info from my boss after taking a class) just so he didnt accuse me of cheating, because if I said I had been speaking to my boss- you guessed it…I was a liar. He confused me so much and cut me off so much that I had to ‘confess’ everything I had ever done in my life (sexually /morally and otherwise) and if, in my fear, I didnt say things I thought he would use against me, I was a liar. I once had a horrible rash on my bits (sorry to be crass!) and he said it was where I had been having loads of sex with other men. The irony was I have never and would never cheat, he failed to see all my efforts were going into making our relationship work!! I had to send pictures of the people I was meeting (which I passed off to friends and families as selfies!) to prove I was going where I said or I was a liar. URGGHH! Horrible! I get that same feeling of sickness now whenever anyone calls me a liar, Pondlife. You really feel it don’t you.

Lover of no contact and Lightness – they weren’t real and for me, that’s the hardest thing to get my head around- they are so convincing. They are the best actors I know!

Hugs to you all x

[iwillbeok]

Thank you beenherebefore,

This was so spot on. Each verse got me. I have tears on my cheeks.

I hid thing from you because I was scared of you. All the things you accused me of, was actually what you were doing to me! I was the liar because I could never figure out how to answer your questions. You were walking on eggshells?! You told me over and again that I was the one with mental problems – look at your granbdmother with her dementia, I’m worried for you.

Well good riddance – I’m saving myself! One day at a time – I’m getting stronger and stronger while it seems you were always weak and are getting weaker…

x

[Author]

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