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Hi everyone! I’m new to this site and I’d like to hear from those who’ve been out of an abusive relationship for a while, to see how you cope with the rollercoaster of emotions.
The abuse intensified until the kids and I finally escaped – I had to carry my handbag and laptop everywhere with me in the house because my ex conducted bag searches/used any opportunity to gain unauthorised access to my emails. The police became involved as he also became physically threatening at that point and he was blackmailing me. I couldn’t go out because he told me that if I did, he’d go out too and it would be my fault that the kids were home alone. He told endless lies to both me and the kids in order to elicit sympathy/maintain some sort of control over us and he called me rude names in front of the kids. He also threatened to crash the car with us in it. In the run-up to us leaving, he sent torrents of abusive texts that were so utterly bizarre in their nature that it confirmed my long-held suspicion that he has severe mental illness. When the day finally arrived for me to move out, he behaved so abominably that (removed by moderator).
A year on, I still have to deal with him as he’s the father of my kids, and he’s been making the divorce process as difficult as possible.
However, the kids and I are so much happier now and our new house has become something of a sanctuary for the three of us. But I feel like I’m on the brink of depression.
The abuse had gone on for some (removed by moderator) years and the run-up to leaving was horrendous. Finally being allowed to make decisions is proving to be both a blessing and a curse! Being allowed to work again gave me a delicious blast of freedom but it turned out my new boss was nearly as controlling and unreasonable as my ex, and I had to leave because it’s just too soon for me to cope with that. Years ago, I was well-paid and successful – I was the higher earner – but years of being put down has led to me doubting my every strength and ability. I feel like a failure for not being able to hold down my first job in more than a decade.
I have a lot of lovely friends but I miss adult company, so I considered starting a new relationship. But I’m confused. I don’t know whether I’m ready for one or even what type of man I’d even look for anyway, as falling in love with my usual type all those years ago turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life.
As I expected, the stress of the escape is finally kicking in and my health has taken a pummeling. I look and feel unattractive, both as a potential lover and as a job applicant.
I have days where I’m absolutely fine, days where I don’t beat myself up too much about struggling with everything, and days like today, when I feel like I’ve failed. At everything.
Thank you reading my lament. I’d love to hear from any of you who’ve felt the same and how you managed to survive it, from an emotional point of view only (not legal – I’m drowning in that right now). I need some inspiration, can you help?
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Hi there, welcomeđđ thex er emotional rollercoaster seems never ending. It literally is about still taking baby steps, be kind to yourself, going back into the workforce is daunting at the best of times, coming out of an abusive relationship and being normal (whatever that is)kudos to you for even trying. I know I won’t be able to work again. Health issues aside, I’m not sure I could cope with any sort of bad behaviour never mind abusive behaviour from colleagues or boss. Absolutely take some time out, find you again, what makes you take, don’t put any unnecessary pressure on yourself. We’re very good st setting ourselves up only to fall down. Women’s aid recommend waiting at least two years before getting into another relationship. Try and use that time to get to know you, what’s your likes and dislikes, now’s the time to find out what your boundaries really are and how you’d be if someone crossed them or just kept pushing and pushing. If you’re missing adult company what is it you’re actually missing. We do have days where everything we’ve done seems to have been for nothing but so do those who’ve not been in abusive relationships. Try and write down just how much you’ve accomplished in the past year, why do you thing you’ve failed, who’s voice are you hearing in your head. You’ve not failed to me and I don’t know you. You’re an amazing role model. You’ve been to hell and back emotionally and or physically. Most if us are suffering PTSD of some description, that doesn’t go away just because we’re no longer living in the warzone. Those reactions are imprinted in our psyche for ever, it’s how we learn to deal with our reactions that’ll decide we’re getting better. Noone expects a soldier with PTSD to go back to active service, if ever. You have been through a huge traumatic experience in your life, maybe been with him fir decades or not. Your recovery time is your recovery time. We are still different. Just be kinder to yourself.
Much love IWMB đđ -
Hi Nonidentifiable
I donât have any particular advice for you but I just wanted to say I could have written this post! You sound exactly like me. Very happy to be gone but still reeling from the whole experience and reliving it in my head and especially in nightmares plus of course still having to deal with the ex on a daily basis.
I agree with the advice of not starting a new relationship for two years. I jumped straight into something almost as soon as I had left, not a planned thing, it just happened. It was a fantastic distraction over that first year and put a huge smile on my face at a time when I should have been crying. So it wasnât actually a bad move. But needless to say it was totally the wrong relationship and not in any way good for my long term sanity. So I have sort of let it fizzle and have learned a lot of lessons from it ie, this isnât for me!
I hear you when you say you donât even know what a relationship could possibly look like and I get that. I really donât think I have ever had a good one and itâs worth taking some time out to figure out exactly what that is. Many of us on here I think probably donât really know.
I donât know if it will help you, but shortly after I left the abusive ex I came across a fantastic blog called The Goddess Principles. It sounds like a corny title but actually there is a load of relationship/life/dating advice in there which I have found has really helped me to get my head up high and to stop man-pleasing as a way of life. Ok I am not there yet but it has really helped me to learn how to speak and hold myself like a strong woman who doesnât give a s@ât and after a couple of years of doing that I do feel confident that I could potentially approach a relationship with a healthy attitude.
Donât beat yourself up, I know itâs what we do for a living but actually I can relate to the work situation too. I love my job BUT like you have spidey senses when it comes to abusive or controlling men. My boss and one make colleague make all my alarm bells and red flags go off at once. I donât think they are a patch on my ex in terms of abusiveness but I know there is a streak there and I do find it difficult. Luckily I can avoid them a lot of the time but I can see why you just couldnât be in that environment. I think once you have escaped abuse, the merest whiff of control and you are gone like a bat out of hell!
Please be kind to yourself and focus on the little things. Just keep giving yourself little pick me ups and treats over the day, 5 minutes of yoga, a healthy lunch, a walk in nature away from whinging children if possible (just kidding I know thatâs not possible!đ)Xx
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Hi, I hope you’re doing well. I’ve also been out of my relationship for (detail removed by moderator) and although i don’t have kids, it comfort me to know that I’m so so incredibly grateful to be in the position where i am now. It may not be the best outcome of the situation but it’s way better than what it was. Once you’ve hit rock bottom, there’s only going up. You are strong, you are loved, you are beautiful. Repeat that to yourself and believe it.
I started dating that I genuinely thought nothing would come of. But to my surprise, he’s amazing and so understanding. It’s great knowing that I am able to be loved by someone but I often feel like i rushed into things before coming to terms with the aftermath of my abuse. You need to love yourself before you can feel loved by anyone else. Do whatever it takes. Get your hair, nails, makeup done- the whole shabang. Love yourself and realise that you’re lovable. And one thing to keep in mind before starting to date is that, if you cant love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else. This will build your confidence and even then, this could help your job prospects.
wish you the best
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