Abuse and Addiction

[tiredofitall]

Can anyone recommend any reading about abusive behaviour and addiction? I am separating from my husband and am 100% set on that course. There is nothing he can say or do to change my mind. I’ve been reading about abusive behaviour and I know that’s what I’ve experienced and continue to experience while we still live together until house sale completes. What I am struggling to understand is that he has been a heavy cannabis user for a long time. He cannot accept he is an addict but he cannot go a day without smoking even when we had no money, we always had to find it. And he is like jekyll and Hyde, before he’s had his first one he is the bully and a complete n********t. After he has his fix, he’s like a different person – reasonable and thoughtful and behaves like the other guy doesn’t exist.
For years it’s kept me here wondering who is the real guy? But I was so tired of my life and seeing how his behaviour makes our children feel gave me the strength to put an end to this affecting my life. If he can’t accept he has a problem how can it ever be different.
I guess I’m still trying to piece together whether the drugs hide his natural tendencies or whether they are part of the problem. I want to learn more so I can understand more, if only to give the children a better understanding. Perhaps we may never know but I’d be interested to know if anyone has any insight or point me in the direction of websites of books.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Tiredofitall

Your name says it all doesn’t it. You’ve tried to live with this man, you and your children, with his Jekyll and Hyde, which by the way is something many women will describe their abusers as, drugs or no drugs.

One thing we all seem most keen to do is to find out why, to understand them, to get inside whats going on, when you have all been suffering at his outside impacts on you all.

The big key for me is you say that before his first hit of the day he is the monster you all know him to be, and the drugs change him, and yes, for sure, drugs (street or otherwise), alcohol, will alter a person’s state. There is no value, to my mind, in seeking the depths of that state for what it means, and what it does. What matters is that you have all experienced his abuse, for too long, and are getting out.

You truly can close the door on this life you’ve all had to lead, and not look back, it was bad, frightening, sad, dangerous, and whatever other words you would use, but its over, and thats what matters. Try to accept it at face value rather than understand the darkness that it has been for you all.

Many of us try to seek understanding, and closure also, but, at the end of the day, his behaviour is damaging, thats the thing that needs understanding, and if you have the energy to read try getting some lovely stories to read to your children (no matter what their age), and some good reading for yourself, something to give you inspiration, strength and escape.

warmest wishes

ts

if you haven’t read Lundy Bancroft’s Why does he do that? it would be a great place to start.

[tiredofitall]

Thank you TS, I think that’s exactly what I needed to hear! I’m falling back into the pattern of trying to understand to reassure myself that I have tried everything to ‘fix’ things and I need to stop that
You are right, his behaviour and how we have been treated is enough.
I honestly don’t know if I would have found the strength to see it for what it is without the people on here who know exactly what it’s like

[Author]

Posts