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Hi,
I realised that the abuse I was subjected to, started with earlier family members.
The abuse carried down the family line.
It started with one person who has been dead for a long time, he was horrible to his wife, over the years she told me things he did.
She never described it as abuse, I don’t think back in those days, it was viewed as abuse.
He physically assaulted his wife and children with the guise of saying he was punishing bad behaviour.
Those kids then produced kids of their own, the whole family is messed up.
Women walking out on their kids, unable to cope.
Now, my ex’s generation, the men have women issues.
They think women are slags, they sleep around, they are terrible mothers, they are meant to stay at home and cook, clean, slave away.
I was shocked when my ex’s side of the family sided with him, even though they witnessed his behaviour.
I’ve realised why.
They expect Women to be treated this way. Its totally normal.
The Women that have stood up, have been tarred with awful names for standing up for themselves.Above all, all this realisation has done, is made me feel bad for my ex again.
What chance did he stand in life, to find happiness, when he was born into a cycle of abuse. He doesn’t know anything different.
He was beaten by his dad, in the name of healthy punishment for doing bad things.
He was sexually assaulted by a family member for years as a child.My hearts breaking for him again, after I had finally managed to to harden up.
I fear for my children, carrying on this cycle of being abusers or being abused. -
Well said Footballfan1…
You have described my situation to a tee. I feel (and before leaving felt) such a sense of duty to break the cycle, to make sure I didn’t allow it to carry on into the next generation. It was such a driving force for getting out. But boy is it the long game!! One of my three (young adult kids) refuses to acknowledge that his dad’s behaviour was wrong. He didn’t speak to me at all for a bit. It’s a bit better now but there’s a long way to go. I’ve always known I was playing the long game but the crucially important thing is that I’ve broken the cycle. -
Hi Lottieblue,
Well done for breaking the cycle.
Your right, it is a long game to play.So many generations to cut through.
The men, my word, so stuck in their ways!
Women are there to serve their needs, nothing more.I’m trying to comprehend this, and think past it so my boys grow into caring and loving individuals
Xx
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Good post and you’re right, my ex’s family are abusive but with middle class snobbery covering it to the world. Both his parents are awful, vile people and I’d watch him suffering at their hands. His siblings, like your experience think women are below them, that ‘men can talk’ and women just stay at home (and if they have good jobs or qualifications find opportunities to belittle them). But, I also realised he better than anyone knows what it’s like to be on the receiving end of abuse, he knows the anxiety, the fear, the gut wrenching disappointment of nothing you do ever being enough and yet he inflicts that on others instead of choosing to break that cycle and accept the love & safety i’d offered.
From my own family, I recently visited them and my dad just ignored me, he didn’t speak for first hour, I could tell my mum was over compensating trying to cover, when he did speak it was to chastise my child. I realised that walking on eggshells feeling had been familiar long before my ex partners. And that I had chosen the opposite path, trying to save others from feeling what I had, opening me up to being susceptible to abusers.
I can see my ex’s other child from a different relationship is already showing tell tale signs of being the next abuser. I hope I can teach my kids to end the chain x
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Bananaboat,
It is so heart wrenching isn’t it.
You endured so much, well done for seeing the light and getting out.To still endure that type of abuse from your own family, that’s awful.
I think everyone should have to read abuse books, it really is an eye opener.
Too many people in the world, end up abusing.
I’m not sure everyone even realises what they are doing is abusive.
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It’s very prevalent in society, especially in my parents time. I believe it’s only been advertised now. There was larger families too and greater gender imbalance.
It’s not hard to believe this would happen. I’m still looking at shows that portray such sexist behaviour. It’s slowly changing.
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Your right stronglife,
The family member I’m talking about had 8 children.
I used to think its because they wanted a big family, but they were extremely poor.The woman told me that unfortunately they didn’t have any contraception, and it was her womanly duty to give her husband sex.
She seemed angry and resentful, so I don’t think she enjoyed it, it was her duty to provide sex for him.
The end result, they had 8 kids with the biggest gap between being 13 months.
She was expected to look after all the kids herself, her husband couldn’t work due to ill health.
He also smoked a lot of cigarettes which affected his health, and meant they had even less money.
She got odd jobs to make ends meet, cleaning, ironing then dropping off the laundry at the customers houses.
She carted her children around with her, 3 in a large pram and more walking.
Rather than be grateful, her husband detested her working, he said the womans place is at home and he used to try to stop her working.
She said she told him well you aren’t able to work, so how do you expect we afford to feed the kids?
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