Abuse or mind overworking?

[Eve1]

I don’t know where to go with this and so I’m starting here. I’m many years out of the abusive relationship and still often read on here, occasionally feel able to reply to someone. This may be a bit long, bear with…
I feel like I’ve been a good Mum as much as I could be. The children have been the best part of my world. My eldest lives with his girlfriend. I’ve still got ‘long covid’ which makes me really exhausted easily but occasionally have gone for a little walk with him and their dog. The other week he’d started a new job and I wanted to see him though I was tired, so I set off. On the way, he rang and said did I want to go a bit further for a walk and girlfriend was obviously going too. I knew I couldn’t manage even the drive so I said it’s a bit far for me, but he sounded a bit disappointed, so I was thinking and then I thought of his sister who lives with me and was a bit fed up at the time and said could she come, we started to chat about directions and what the rules were etc and in the background I heard the gf impatiently say ‘I thought she said it was too far ‘, and I just thought I haven’t got energy for this and said I would leave it this time. We said we’d speak another time and we’ve texted bit since then and we’re going to have a chat on the phone this afternoon I think, but his gf will be there and it just makes me wary. It’s not the first time I’ve felt she was rude, but I don’t want to say anything and push him away. It reminds me a bit of not wanting to put him in a difficult position with his dad. It feels a bit like he’s choosing her (because she’s making him) over me, when that’s not necessary. I’m not going to mention it unless he does, which is unlikely, but it’s upsetting. Lockdown isn’t helping, nor is feeling ill, but there are shades to his relationship which sound unhealthy and it disturbs me. I hope he’s not replaying what he saw in his childhood and trying to put it right. Could be I’m overplaying it in my mind, having suffered abuse makes us very aware of it, doesn’t it? And maybe I’ve now got a standard for a relationship which is just too high and doesn’t exist? Either way it’s made me a bit sad, which isn’t helping me right now. It’s true that even when your children are older the spectre of that old abusive parent lingers.

Does this make sense to anyone or can you relate?

Eve
x

[Lisa]

Hi Eve1,

Thank you for sharing with us, I hope it helped to offload. I am sorry to hear you are still suffering from Covid. I really hope you feel better soon. The concerns for your son are understandably adding to your worries and it is true we are often very much aware of red flags in others relationships. Keep the line of communication open with your son as much as you can, he will know you are there for him.

Keep posting to us when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Eve1]

Thank you Lisa,

I really appreciate your reply. Yes, I’ve seen my son and it helped a lot to have a face to face and we’ve made a plan to meet again soon.

Eve
x

[gettingtired]

Hi Eve, sorry to hear you’ve not been well. It’s tricky isnt it. One of my siblings has a partner my family aren’t too keen on. They’re quite needy of my sibling and controlling/manipulative but sort of in subtle ways. I guess my parents know they have to kind of get on with it to maintain a relationship with my sibling though. Although sometimes they’ve told my sibling they didn’t like the way their partner behaved etc. I guess it depends on how your son would react. Some people could have that conversation whereas others may get defensive and push you away.
I think keeping in contact with him as much as possible is best. You don’t want to lose your relationship with him. Hope you’re doing ok xx

[Eve1]

Thank you GT, I’m very wary of saying anything, as I mentioned something before and he was a bit defensive so my instinct for now is to just keep communication open with him, as you say, and make sure he knows I’m here for him, which I’m sure he knows.

This long Covid thing is impossible. I’m doing what I can to help myself but I can see that over the winter it’s going to be a struggle to get well and stay well.

I’m sorry to read about your situation. I did stay for a long time, it’s very hard when you’re still in it to see how things really are. I only found this site after leaving, but still it was so helpful. You can break free.

Eve
x

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