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Hello everyone,
So after much back and forth deciding (I have typed posts on here before but always ended up deleting them before posting) I have had yet another impulse today to go for it so let’s see if this one makes it out there.My situation is probably similar to many of you – my boyfriend can be kind of a je*k sometimes and I just can’t decide how far it is him being abusive or how far it might be me being oversensitive or whatever. As my view (or rather all of my frequently changing views) will always be subjective, I’ve come here hoping that someone will be able to give me a more objective insight on the matter.
Here goes… The main thing is his constant criticism. And I mean constant. About anything. It may be about the way I stir the food. Or about using a different word in a sentence than he would use (even though it has the same meaning). Or generally not doing things the way he would have done them (including the ones he doesn’t do that way either but “would be doing them” if he was me). And it’s not just pointing these things out so that I could do better next time or something. It’s making a scene and then giving me the cold shoulder for the rest of the day if not for the rest of the week.
(Detail removed by moderator).
It’s mostly little things these days (before, he used to shout and swear and call me the worst names you can imagine, even smash things – cups, his phone, tablet etc., which he doesn’t really do that much anymore – shouting and swearing yes, but not that often and at least he eliminated some of the worst words from his vocabulary), but they are constant, I mean, several times a day. Every day. Everything is being criticised. And it’s always blown out of proportion. It makes me feel like he thinks he is some kind of king and I am a servant, because he’s got privileges that I don’t deserve. He can spend all night in front of the TV doing nothing but if I don’t manage to do something (because I am doing everything else) it’s a tragedy. Almost every morning he moans that I don’t wake him up (even though he does have his alarm clock set) but when I set my alarm clock as well so that I could wake him up (because otherwise I will be asleep obviously), he moans that there are too many alarm clocks ringing. I can never win. And again, it’s not just a statement, it’s the whole aggressive attitude – angrily rushing from the bed, slamming the doors and barely talking to me. Sometimes he kicks off about entirely unimportant things or even things that never happened. For example, I turned in my sleep, which apparently woke him up, and he got it in his head that I must’ve done it on purpose because I was probably unhappy with him for some reason, so he spent the following two hours screaming and swearing and kicking me off the bed. I need to point out here that I never do things like that (on purpose) – first of all, I’m not that kind of person, and second of all, why in hell would I do that when I know what the consequences would be like?!
The thing is that I come from just about the nicest background you can imagine – I never heard my mum and dad swearing at each other and when they argued, they did it with respect and kind of peacefully, giving each other space to talk. When me and my boyfriend fight, as soon as I try to explain myself, he starts shouting at me to “shut the f**k up” because apparently everything I say is bulls*it. So, I am not sure whether I am being naive and overreacting purely because I had very calm and decent upbringing. My partner, on the other hand, has precisely the opposite experience. His family shouts all day long, they used to beat him and his mother is ready to tear your head off for literally anything, including taking more than 2 seconds to reply. And it is this that makes me very wary of what I should do. Part of me thinks I need to leave, because the way he is keeps me feeling like I’m walking on eggshells every single minute of every day. I am constantly stressed out. But at the same time, I feel like a monster if I leave a person who’s been so f****d up by his own family and even hates himself for the way he is. I am at my wits’ end. My brain says to run, my heart says to give him yet another chance because he didn’t choose to be this way…
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Hello PerfectlyFlawed
How sad, its no way to spend your days and nights being continually harrassed, it wears you, breaks you down until you don’t know which way is up.
I’m glad you feel that it is unreasonable and abusive. The fact that you feel you are continually walking on eggshells says it all really. Believe in yourself and so very well done for getting that post out there. Do keep posting and talking.
You are not being oversensitive, its horrific having to be subjected to someone raging for hours. You had a great model of relationships growing up, and saw mutual respect in action. You are right not to want this for yourself. You deserve so much better than this awful hateful treatment. It will only get worse not better sadly. You will never be able to ‘do it right’ in his eyes, so please just think of yourself now and don’t let on to him that you know whats he’s doing, now that you do.
Look to your family and close friends for support, and working through how you will manage going forward.
warmest wishes
ts
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Hey Perfectlyflawed, You are not oversensitive, I am sorry that your partner is abusing you. His childhood is no excuse, if anything by him experiencing abuse himself wouldn’t he want to do the opposite as he knows how awful it feels to do that to another human being?
The constant criticism, aggression and control chip away at our mental health, it also keeps us in a cycle of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).
The Dominater by Lundy Bancroft is a good book to read, really helpful. When you are ready please contact your local Women’s Aid to talk, they are trained in domestic abuse. Also, could you talk to your GP?
You are really brave for posting ❤
Keep posting and take care ❤ -
Well done firstly for posting took alot of courage.
Whatever our pasts are good or bad it does not mean that we are either allowed to abuse others or should we be allowed to be abused. Our past should not excuse our presant. Whatever he went through it does not mean he should treat you this way. Your gut instincts are telling you this isnt right and you really do need to trust them.
What he is doing is wrong so very very wrong and you should not be treated this way.
It sounds as if you have a supportive family around you use them reach out and lean on them sweetie you dont have to do this alone.
Read posts on here learn as much as you can about abuse arm yourself and keep yourself strong and safe. You have taken such a huge brave step by reaching out here now to keep taking those steps foward. You deserve so much better believe and trust in yourself. X -
Gosh I could’ve written your post word for word. I used to feel like that, think I was being over sensitive and that I was giving him a better home because his parents were so awful, but then I learnt about domestic abuse and how all behaviour is a choice. If he’s been abused growing up then surely he knows better than anyone how that feels and wouldn’t you want the person you love not to feel like that? He’s choosing to scare and control you. You deserve so much more. This world is not easy and it’s a journey of discovery, ups and downs, doubt and confusion but lovely, you are not being over sensitive at all. I haven’t read all the posts so I’m sorry if I’m repeating advice you’ve already received but some great resources are Lundy Bancroft’s ‘why does he do that’ (free pdf’s online), pat craven’living with the dominator’, dr Ramani on YouTube, Narcabuse coach on Instagram. Good luck. x
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Hi perfectlyflawed,
I’m so glad that you posted your concern this time instead of deleting it. We can all assure you that you are not oversensitive at all. However, I do have to disagree with you that your boyfriend is ‘a kind of a jerk sometimes’ and say that he seems to be a downright rude, insulting, disrespectful, critical, condescending man most of the time, aka abusive!! The fact that he has spoken to you in a way that has attracted looks from people around you confirms this. I remember when my ex would do this and I would squirm with embarrassment and want the ground to open up and swallow me.
I bet he didn’t talk to you like this on the first couple of dates did he? Or the first few weeks of your relationship? That’s because he wanted to be on his ‘best behaviour’ to rope you in and fall in love with him. So, if he can hide this side of him some of the times then it goes to show that he knows how to behave ‘properly’ when it suits him, and that he chooses to behave in an abusive way when it suits him. If he didn’t speak to you like this or behave like this on the first date then his upbringing has nothing to do with it really.
It does indeed sound like he does have some issues, but these are not your issues to fix, nor are they a reason for you to feel guilt if you walk away. You are perfectly entitled to decide “this man and the way he treats me is not for me” and end the relationship if that is what you want to do. Please listen to your head and start to extract yourself from this as it is not going to improve. He is in fact choosing to behave this way. He is living in ‘victim’ mode and using all of the bad things in his life as a reason to behave like this instead of seeking help for his issues and learning a better way. He will never take responsibility for himself because he doesn’t want to, so any woman he dates/lives with will have exactly the same type of relationship with him that you are having. I’ve no doubt that every woman will want to try and ‘fix’ him too, thinking that with their love, patience and understanding he will become a ‘better man’. We’ve all been there and we’ve all failed.
Please use your lovely upbringing and your parent’s relationship with each other as your template to base a healthy relationship on. The behaviours of your boyfriend are definitely unhealthy and abusive. You are already stressed and staying with him will negatively affect your mental health. Many of us have been on anti depressants due to abusive relationships to try and help us cope with the misery they bring but there is no medication in the world that can make it easier to live with an abusive partner.
You say that he hates himself for the way he is? What is he actively doing to address this? Is he seeking counselling or attending therapy/self help group? It’s so easy for people to have a reason or excuse for their unhappiness or misery but not do anything about it.
Keep posting and keep reading xx
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Thank you, everyone, for all your responses, support and reading recommendations. It means a lot to me! And I have to admit it feels good to know that I finally took a step in the right direction.
Of course, you are right, he was not like this in the beginning, it took maybe a year, year and a half for him to show his true colours. And sadly, that has been what kept me going for a long time – thinking that if he was able to treat me well in the past, he will be able to do it again in the future, if only I try hard enough to “fix” myself. Well, a few years later, I am finally opening my eyes and realising that it’s not going to happen.
You are also right that despite him saying that he “hates the way he is”, he isn’t actively doing anything about it. Instead he says that he’s relying on me to help him, because I am so good at keeping calm (like I have a choice). I suggested a therapist might be more helpful but he said it wouldn’t work for him.
Either way, it’s like something has finally broken in me after one of his recent pointless scenes and I have no patience for that kind of behaviour anymore. I found myself losing that calm, when I would normally just wait for the storm to pass. I have called him out on his behaviour a few times. That of course didn’t go down very well with him but somehow I don’t care the way I used to. I feel like maybe, if he keeps pushing, I will reach that point of having had enough and telling him to pack his bags. I never felt like I would be capable of doing that before.
So thank you all because your responses reinforced that resolution in me and helped me become more confident since I now know it’s not just happening in my head. -
Be careful, they don’t like it when we change. He’ll probably push you into a reaction and then make out you’re the crazy one, they love to deflect. Also, they don’t leave easily so when you ask him to leave maybe have a plan and some support in place. I’m so happy you are feeling stronger and good luck with it all!
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The same as Bananaboat I could have written this word by word. It’s incredible how these type of behaviours follow a pattern. Your boyfriend is verbally abusing you and he has positioned you in the role of his saviour so that you feel responsible of his feelings and actions. My ex- used to shout and call me names too – I was completely unfamiliar with this behaviour, I had never seen something like that between two grown ups. At the beginning I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he comes from a troubled background and I even thought the name calling etc.. could be cultural differences. But no- it was abuse, gaslighting and control.
Well done for recognising this and for posting. Very brave of you. Good luck! -
What helped me in a similar situation was trying to step back and think to myself:
Would any of your family or friends make you feel this way? Would they fly off the handle because you said the wrong word? Its always NO
Believe me he is making the choice to shout and call you names… what would be his reaction if you called him something bad? He would get angry because he knows it’s wrong. He’s an adult now.
You can’t excuse him because he had a tuff upbringing but maybe him realising that if he can’t show you respect you might leave than that would be the only way for him to change. Of course there are places for perpetrators to help them understand but like my other half many will never believe thers anything wrong with them but it’s all you. And that’s not true.
Be brave. You have done so well sharing your story. It’s very similar to many stories here. And the fact that you think everything through and try to work it out shows you do care about him, but I’m worried if he will never change is it fair for you to be abuse for the rest of your life because his childhood was tuff on him? -
Thank you all very much for your reactions! It’s somehow reassuring to hear about other people’s own views and experience, even though at the same time it is sad and disconcerting to see how many of us have to put up with this cr*p.
But how do you find the courage to make that final step? What finally makes you say “enough is enough” and actually get out of the trap instead of slipping back over and over again? I said before that I felt like maybe, if he keeps pushing, I might actually send him on his way. But then we have another shouting match, he behaves for a couple of days and I find myself thinking yet again, “ok, one more chance”. The worst part of that is, that when I really think about it even I can see that his “behaving” isn’t in fact “behaving” in a good way, just in a less horrible way. But being used to all that nastiness, it somehow feels like I’m being treated like a princess and it actually makes me feel bad that he makes such effort for me and I still fail to make him happy. Yet even though I realise it doesn’t make any sense and it’s wrong, I can’t stop myself feeling like he’s the good guy and I’m the witch. And that makes me lose all the determination to dig myself out of this hole and instead I dig myself even deeper. I get so full of resolution to end things every other day but every time I lose it again…
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