Abuser has bipolar.

[Ssss]

He’s only just told me…. i kno he has mental health issues….. and believe me i have been behind the closed doors and kno exactly how he behaves….. I have formed my own opionions.. but I am not a psychiatrist, and cannot diagnose him… I kno his condition is not an escuse for his behaviour…….but I believe others were aware… but I was not given this information… to protect him..patient confidentiality… but what about protecting e and my kids… it doesn’t excuse his behaviour…. but… what.. I don’t kno really I don’t kno if I’ve been stupid for not realising or not… I am s bit confused… and waffling… I don’t kno if it would have made any difference??? But I just feel I possibly would have had more of a chance with more of an insight….

[Serenity]

Hi Ssss,

In ‘Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship’, the author Adelyn Birch makes a pertinent point when she says that it’s in trying to help, fix or find out what the problem is with our abuser that keeps us there. We think that in staying, we will somehow manage to eventually solve their problem, or they will finally recognise how much we’ve done for them, be grateful and begin treating us with respect.

In fact, what happens is that they use us as something to vent on, barely take tedlibsubity, project blame and we end up ill, and our continuing presence only enables them to continue their behaviours. It’s only in our leaving that there is a small
chance of them facing themselves and tefle ring on their abusive behaviour ( sadly, most never do, and just find another victim and repeat the abuse all over again).

I know people who are bi-polar, alcoholic, and who have various other issues which abusers might use an an excuse to abuse: but they don’t abuse. Abuse is a choice. Abuse can be switched on and off by the abuser to suit them. Certain issues might affect their moods etc, but venting it on someone else is a choice. Many of us here have experienced real breakdowns due to abuse, but have we become calculating abusers? No, because we take responsibility.

Adelyn Birch says it doesn’t matter what the cause of their abuse is- what matters is that we are being abused. The priority is to set firm boundaries and remove ourself from such a situation, or set limits on that relationship. Our first responsibility is to ourselves. If we keep trying to find reasons for their abuse, it keeps us emotionally hooked, as we are staying in the role of ‘fixer’ when it’s not our job to fix them. They need to fix themselves.

I can understand how you might feel cheated by not knowing all the facts. But isn’t that just how abusers work? They withhold important information, and just tell you what most benefits them at the time? Now, your abuser might have let that information out in order to try to make you feel pity, and he might be trying to claim diminished responsibility for the abuse, but it’s all a tactic. x

[Ssss]

Hi serenity, thanks for reply… yes it all makes so much sense.. things have taken on a different turn.. and it is making me really confused and question what is going on…. I have not read anything by Adeline birch but I will have a look… haven’t as yet been too scared to read anything.. I just keep blocking it out….. and of course your right that’s how they work being selective with the information they divulge…. I kno he’s an abuser through and through…. his choice…. he just happens to be ill as well… and yes he try’s to use that to turn it onto me as a sympathy vote to others… but I am trying to rise above it….. thankyou again for your reply and I do hope things are improving for you x

[Suntree]

Hi sss
Mine told me he had mental health issues and if I didn’t do some things then there were going to institutionalize him.
It was lies that came pout years later. But because I believed him he used what I did to help him to show I was unstable.

Be warned what they say isn’t always true. It is another way to control.

Remember people who have bipolar don’t abuse others. To abuse is a choice.

[Dragonfly]

Does he abuse his mother or any other woman?

[Dragonfly]

I ask because my abuser was the same. He chose to abuse just me.

[Ssss]

Hi sun tree, mine spent years telling me it was me with the mental health problems… and he was fine… he used to say… and I was the crazy one….i always knew he had mental health issues but nobody would disclose anything to me…s s , police etc as patient confidentially.. but I did kno he had been section previously…. and then he was sectioned again… since we have been together…I went to all meetings with Drs etc and never was bi-polar mentioned.. he just came back from gp and said it then… and yes dragonfly he makes a choice to be an abuser… and it is totally separate from him having mental health issues… the abuse is kept almost solely for me behind closed doors, the children have witnessed it occasionally but mostly he is a perfect kind caring charming gent…

[Anonymous]

I feel my ex had mental health issues .but he never opened up about them i new he had epelipsy but not what I thought!! He stopped all his medication etc ..abused me for over a period of time .. i know what his game plan was..to make me look like the abuser blame shifting… but i caught him out red handed ..

Evil evil ..I was made out to be the crazy one etc .even by the law ..but nope I have ptsd due to him

[Author]

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