Abuser wants to join my organisation. Is this weird?

[Lilycat]

Hi Ladies,

I escaped a very abusive young adult stepchild, who was psychologically and emotionally saddistic towards me, and did harmful things (such as bleaching the bath before I stepped into it and dipping my toothbrushes in their bodily fluids), and a husband who was manipulative, complicit with all of this and financially abusive.

My soon to be ex-husband keeps sending me texts as if nothing is wrong. These are rather creepy as they are cheerful and chipper, but one sent yesterday made my stomach turn. He told me that my stepchild wants to join my organisation. I can’t be specific, but I can say that it has several sites in my home city and nowhere else. If they join, it is likely that we will bump into one another as I work quite frequently at one of the sites on which this person is likely to be based.

I am not sure whether I am at risk or if I am imagining things. But there are very many organisations round the country who offer what is being offered by my employer, including several within a train or bus journey. But my stepchild is adamant on choosing my organisation alone, rejecting an offers elsewhere, etc.

As a normal individual, if I had had any kind of bad associations with another individual and this was my fault, let alone ones relating to regular and relatively serious abuse (not that I’d be abusive) ,I would not even contemplate having the same employer as the other person if it meant making them feel bad. So I find it hard to believe that this is a totally innocent decision by this person. Moreover, it is strange that after several years after the abuse took place they recently asked their mother if it would be possible for them to meet me to apologise. Clearly in their mind, if they just utter some words everything will be okay, and it is fine to meet even though it was could cause me fairly severe psychological trauma (I get regular panic attacks, nightmares and nigth terrors, etc). I have never seen my stepchild truly remorseful for anything unless it has got them something they’ve wanted. Also, my stepchild used to use delayed tactics of push and pull, e.g. be abusive to me and then feel ‘guilty’ and show remorse, be really nice… and then lash out or do something otherwise despicable.

Years ago, the counsellor I was seeing advised me to go non-contact with my SC once I had packed up and left the home that I shared with them and my ex. The counsellor said that as leaving took away my SC’s power and ability to abuse me, they would try to charm their way back and then exact their revenge, as there is a patterm with such personalities. I think this is what is happening, now.

I have let my line manager know about the situation and my line manager has spoken to Human Resources. I am exploring the possibility of a non-mollestation order, but I feel a bit silly doing this wondering if this is over-the-top.

If I get a non-mollestation order granted, I am worried about the repercussions. My ex and stepchild would go ballistic. SC does have mental health problems, clearly. But they are very good at playing the victim and I know that they’ll turn it round and say that I am abusive and purveying malicious gossip that is going to ruin their (my stepchild’s) future. Also, this might trigger my stepchild into harming themselves or me, as they have previously threatened to kill themselves, when they have not got what they wanted, etc.

I feel tired and confused.

Shall I wait to see what happens, in that if my stepchild does join my organisation I should wait to see if I am threatened before taking action?

With all the abuse I suffered, so much of it is my ex’s and stepchild’s word against mine. Unless I phoned the police or got a forensic testing kit every time my stepchild played a trick on me, there would be no scietific evidence to back me up. I know it happened. But there’s no proof to hand over to the law, so I almost have to wait for something high-risk or threatening to take place before others can see how dangerous this person is.

Any thoughts gratefully welcomed.

Lilycat x

[Serenity]

Hi Lilycat,

It is covert control and manipulation.
Your ex is minimising the abuse and acting as if he has every right to keep contacting you and going near you.

He might act one he thinks it is innocent, but it isn’t because he isn’t respecting your choice to be away from them and he isn’t respecting your boundaries. They are hoovering- like all abusers do. Keep rolling back like bad pennies.

He might just be saying it for effect. Maybe wait and see. If he does join, assert your opinion. Say you aren’t happy with this. The more you assert your boundaries, the easier it will become.

I am worried about how he still thinks he can be in contact with you.

My friend’s ex’s family have joined her organisation, and use it to make her scared and anxious. These abusers can’t keep away. They need a focus for control. Don’t let that focus be you. You are too precious X

[Lilycat]

Hi Serenity,

Thanks your reply.

I think you are right, both my ex and my ex-stepchid are as bad as each other in different ways. But I would have no reason to believe the former is lying. Earlier in the year my ex said that my stepchild got a job in my neighbourhood, despite living two bus rides away. This proved to be true. I saw her and she didn’t see me, but I felt sick at the sight of her, nevertheless.

Life is bad enough walking around my city and looking over my shoulder every five minutes. Work is one of the few places where I can feel safe. And now that’s probably going to be taken away from me.

My stepchild always hated anything good that I have ever done. I remember clearly when she went ballistic after she heard that I had helped a homeless mother and child get access to housing. She practically shut me up and said that talk of sport made her feel bad about herself and made her mental health delicate when I said as I practising a certain sport and going long distances. I was not boasting on either occasion, and in the former case it was her dad who mentioned the matter. She tried to ruin my life for a prolonged period of time and despite this I have managed to reach a high level in my profession and establish a new life. She knows this and it seems timely that she will wreak revenge and try to frighten me in what she knows will be a safe space, a place to which she has not previously been allowed access- work. She is trying to take away all my safe spaces.

The weird thing is despite all the life-rebuilding and career success I feel absolutely terrified.

Lil x

[Ayanna]

Hi Lilycat, you are perfectly right with all your concerns. I am glad you spoke to your manager and HR is involved now.
I have an adopted son who did the most creepy things to me and the relationship ended when he threatened me at knife point and also tried to rape me.
I think you need to be very serious about your concerns and get a non molestation order.
Do not think about their reactions. Let both of them go ballistic if they want to.
This situation is too serious to be ignored.
This child is creepy and will most likely try to get back at you and that might be terrible because it could affect your work too.
Everything is about your safety and happiness now. Do not think about how they might feel when you keep them away from you.

[Lilycat]

Hi Ayana,

I am sorry to hear that you had such a traumatic experience with your adoptive son. I hope that you are in a much safer place mentally and physically, now, and that you can rebuild your life in a supported and loved environment. All strength to you.

Thanks for your guidance and support. It is taking me a while to process all this. Close family and friends just tell me to walk past my abusers if I see them on the street and get on with my life and career. So I feel like I am overreacting.

There is a sense of powerlessness having been subject to prolonged psychological and emotional abuse and confusion. I almost feel conditioned to (A) accept abuse and (B) manage these personalities so that I can somehow live with the lesser of 2 evils. The regular texting by my ex and reminders of my stepchild’s locations moving closer and closer and so on, are preferrable to facing outward threats, aggression and humiliation. There is not much the police can do unless there is anexplicit threat of ‘violence and/ or harm’.

I am thinking of moving out entirely and starting afresh. The experience has trashed my health and quality of life significantly. It’s bordering on trashing my career, too, because I come to work exhausted from all this and my work requires me to have fair levels of public profile, so my abusers know where I work from the internet and who my business partners are. I’ll probably need to change tack and get a role with no public profile- several years of studying, hard slog and determination all down the drain, but hey… Just wondering how I can keep going.

Lilycat
x

[Ayanna]

Do not give up. Fight them first.
So far nobody prevented them from progressing. Now you took action. That could be the end of their attempts.
Speak to the police too.
You can get the police to warn them. Anything that happens to you will fall back on them, so they should stay away from you for their own good. Abusers of such kind are usually cowards and such a warning will scare them.
I have done this in the past and it worked very well.

[Lilycat]

Hi Ayanna,

Thanks for this encouraging note. I need to put a case together for the police first. I am seeing one of our local Women’s Aid solicitors next month, so I hope to get advice on this.

Kindest wishes

Lilycat x

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