Abusers and Sex

[GracefullyMyself]

Did anyone ever experience any of the following with their abusers:

1. Constant, repeated attempts to have sex – my ex would constantly touch me in a “joking”, inappropriate sexual way. He would try to bite my breasts or pull my breast out of my shirt. He was constantly trying to put his hands down my pants or up my shirt and I constantly heard “take your pants off”. I asked him so many times to stop and he would gaslight me about how I ask him to “love” on me and now I’m complaining when he does. I can’t even count how many times I had to argue that “loving” on me consisted of hugs, gentle touching, hand holding, etc. Not inappropriate, sexual groping

2. Irresponsible requests during sex – My ex used a condom for maybe a month after we started having sex and then was very persistent to stop using a condom and any preventative measure to protect against pregnancy

[Newbeginnings1234]

Hi, my ex was the same way, he would constantly try to push me into sleeping with him, which eventually turned into rape. He would constantly touch me when I didn’t want him to, saying that he could touch me whenever he wanted because he owned me and I was his property. Any time I tried to stop him he’d cry or threaten to kill himself, saying that if I really loved him I wouldn’t push him away. He wasn’t the same way with contraception though, he was terrified that I would get pregnant, kept a supply of the morning after pill in the house and would make me take pregnancy tests all the time.

[KIP.]

Hi, my ex also told me he owned me. Just shows their mentality. Yes I had sexual abuse and rape too. In my opinion it’s just another for of abuse. They abuse financially, mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually. An abuser is an abuser. He will use whatever comes his way. Sadly the sexual abuse for me was extremely damaging as it’s such a breach of intimate trust. But to accept this deal with this without it destroying me, I lump it together as just another form of abuse. Illegal form of abuse. If he did those things to a stranger he would go to jail for a long time. Someone recently was put on the sex offenders lost for touching a woman’s breast. Mine used to grope me, put his hands down my jeans while still buttoned so it was painful too. They truly believe they are entitled to behave this way. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Newbeginnings1234]

For me, the sexual abuse was the worst part of everything, and the thing that will probably affect me the most in future relationships. You’re right about them believing they’re entitled, my ex used to tell me that he did it because he deserved to get what he wanted.

[Lavenderrose]

I’m truly amazed at how strong you ladies all are. What horrendous ordeals you’ve all been through.
I have to say my experience has been totally different. I suffered rejection all the time unless he wanted to. I felt terrible but interestingly in the weeks leading up to me leaving he all of the sudden was into me again, clearly sensing a change and I just felt awkward. I simply had to go along with it as I was worried about his reaction if I said no xx

[Lottieblue]

I get told I’m a frigid b***h if I refuse. And I do refuse. Always. Because I find it really difficult that one minute he’s being vile and treating me like a piece of muck and the next he actually expects me to want sex. He gets angry and storms around. So I do what he wants in order for him not to become unpleasant.

[KIP.]

Yep frigid b***h is a common insult. Coercive control is sexual abuse. I didn’t want to have sex with a man who terrorised me. What’s more sick is they would want to have sex with someone who clearly didn’t want to.

[maddog]

It’s horrible isn’t it. From the very beginning, my ex didn’t do love. These days, in a new relationship I still struggle to understand where I begin and end. Consent isn’t a thing when you’re treated as an object. Nobody can consent to being treated as an object and it’s rape.

[Newbeginnings1234]

Exactly, I recently spoke to someone from rape crisis and she said that saying yes because you’re scared of what will happen if you keep saying no isn’t consent.

[Fudgecake]

My ex just used me like a sex doll. I never refused him or complained when he mauled me at the kitchen sink as I feared the moodiness that would result and last for days.He’s the only man who I’ve had a relationship with that’s made me feel cheap and used. I don’t like thinking about the sexual abuse I experienced when with him. I’m not ready to go there and think too deeply about it yet.

[SmallSteps@aTime]

I experienced the same thing. He would always put his hands in my pants and and made me feel really uncomfortable. If I said no to stop I would be called a boring old women. He also wanted to do things to me which I found insulting but he said it would help his ego!

[Anonymous]

When I am asleep I am woken up by his hands down my pyjamas and if I say no not tonight he sulks and the horrendous silence. I cant even kiss him without him wanting sex.

[positivelyempath]

mummygirz – i have exactly the same! My husband would also say things like ‘you can’t wear that top if your not wanting sex with me’ and I’d feel really self conscious. Plus he would always insist on trying to have sex with me just as I had got ready to go out when I didn’t want to get hot and sweaty…so annoying. The last thing that happened was when he wouldn’t take no for an answer and followed me into the room I’d walked off into after saying no a few times, touching himself and lunging towards me, i literally had to push him off me and shut the door….that was my turning point! I feel like he’s put me off sex for life.

[clearthemurkywaters]

I have spent so much of my life having sex when i dont want to in relationships, to keep the peace, because i start hugging or kissing then having to follow through, not knowing what to do, my ex actually thought no really meant yes, the last time i was alone with him, the line got very blurred, and i think i was basically raped, until i managed to stop him.

[Iwantmeback]

“Put me off sex for life”, how very true.

They are like an octopus, arms everywhere seems because you’re married/in a relationship you’re supposed to be on tap when he wants it. You’re his wife so he can touch you, yes of course you can touch your wife, in a nice respectful way,
but groping,pushing hands down jeans, taking your breast out of your bra, holding you so tight you can’t move or breathe while he grinds into you, giving in so you can get to sleep cos you know it’s the only way you’ll get any sleep.
When a man says no, it’s taken that’s what he means.
When a woman says no, you have to be made to change your mind.
How many times have you heard you’re a tease, when he’s the one getting himself into such a sexual frenzy.
You can’t leave me like this. I’ve yet to hear of a man die from not having sex once he’s aroused.

[hop]

This new one won’t stop putting his hands down my pants and there’s no kissing without it going further. I wore a tight belt the other day and he couldn’t get his hands down but he wouldn’t stop trying. He constantly asks about my period and says it doesn’t matter to him. He can’t comprehend that I don’t like it and he won’t use a protection. He always makes everything sound as if he’s being nice….im an idiot. My ex was never nice and kind but seeing what everyone says I think this new one is a wrongun.

[Anonymous]

I have begun to dread bedtime because I know if I fall asleep then I will be woken up and if I don’t go to sleep I just go along with it. I just lay there and let him do what he wants then he goes straight to sleep.

I do it for a quiet life

[Escapee]

They’re b******.

I find it difficult to think about the sexual element of abuse…..I just feel I was forced to prostitute myself.`

[smallbutbrave]

This is a problem i have and i have never really apoken about it.

He says that we should be having sex everynight. If one night we don’t have sex he will make a big deal the next day about ‘we didn’t have sex last night we HAVE tonhave sex tonight’ The thing is i don’t have a sex drive and would happily never have sex again (i blame him for that…the pressure to ‘perform’ is real) So i have to ‘put out’ as he calls it all the time and i do it for a quiet life although it still isn’t enough…It’s to boring…it doesn’t go on ling enough…i only want it ince a night he wants it twice a night…

He sometimes asks me to do things inreally don’t want to do like be tied up both legs and arms at the same time and i freaked out (he had actually bought straps to do this online and then be blindfolded) he went mental and called me boring and this and that

I am always being groped and touched and i hate it i feel like a piece of meat

Isn’t it sad we do these things for a quiet life

[Escapee]

Oh smallbutbrave 😔 that’s awful!

You do not have to have sex…..if it is coercive (which yours is!) then that’s rape.

I know we can’t say this because of the consequences but a friend tells her partner that’s what his right hand’s for – I love her for that! Xxxx

[Alittlelost]

I just go along with sex now because its too scary not too. After what happened 3 years ago i fear saying no now. I hate sex or doing oral sex but its easier to just do it and try hard as i can to disociate.

[xxxxhelpxxxx]

It’s always when we go to bed. He probably hasn’t been near me for most of the day apart from a kiss goodbye in the morning but when we go to bed, he starts kissing me. Won’t give up and even when I just snuggle into him, he carries on eventually full on kissing me, tongues and all while rubbing my leg or back. If I don’t give in, he will turn over or turn away and start huffing or sighing and saying he won’t sleep now.

I do start sex occasionally and I enjoy sex but not every blinking night!!

This happened last night and he apparently only slept for 20 mins. He spent and hour and a half sitting outside in the car!! Add to that the fact that I am “breathing deeply and making noises” for which he tells me to shut up, and it’s a recipe for disaster the following day.

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