Abusive tendency’s or just insecure?

[Orchid reads]

Hello,

I don’t really know where to start everything is so complex and delicate.

P.S edit, this has lead me into abit of word vomit and rant as is the nature of these things.

I noticed that reading forums online has often not helped me and made matters worse, the idea that my husband is a monster that I need to escape as soon as possible exacerbates my anxiety and makes me feel even more stuck, leading me to seek refuge in him even more rather than seeking independence and autonomy.

I realise that it is important for me to to see the world as a scary place and not to blame myself for any of these things.

My situation is complex as I suffer from low self-confidence and low self-esteem even before I met him.

My main worry really is my mental health, he has never been violent towards me.

I worry about how I feel around him and in his presence and the lasting effects he has on my overall happiness.

I believe his childhood trauma is making him act the way he is as he doesn’t know how a relationship looks like and he doesn’t know how to show love, on top of that he is very insecure,so I noticed very recently, which makes him act defensive and possessive. He says he won’t disclose things to me as I will hold things against him, ie I can’t remember why he said this.

He ifinds it hard to show simple gestures of kindness and love and is very demanding he demands hugs and kisses but doesn’t give me them.

I have spent recent years talking to him about his behaviour towards me and my family and he has tried to make changes he thanks me sometimes for my support send me nice messages throughout the day and apologises for his actions frequently, he started cooking meals and alos does not play computer games all the time he gives our daughter hugs and kisses and helps with nappies at times. He admitted he feels guilty and feels at fault over (situation removed by Moderator) and all that unfolded during that time.

I just feel something is not right, I feel anxious and negative when I am in our home and also around him. But I also worry if I have fabricated this situation in my head for myself and in turn that has made him anxious and has caused him to feel insecure, which then in turns leads him to act a certain way.

I think perhaps no relationship is easy and sometimes some people can be abusive under some situations sometimes and I know if there are patterns and it is all the time I should be concerned.

Perhaps he shows love other ways through making things, buying toys, providing an income, being handy in the house and coming up with solutions and also going to work everyday. Nowadays with modern feminism, I often feel a pull towards seeing men as evil or ill intentioned, and I worry if I leave I am being unreasonable.

For many years especially at the start of our relationship,  I became very isolated from everyone, I forget those days they were abit of a blur. I had no friends or family and spent hours online and with him, I lost sense of reality and I fell very ill mentally.

I feel everything is turned about him. When I  try to look after my daughter and be with her on her level he is always there in some shape or form, I am aware of him even when he is in another room I think about what he will say about what I am watching or if i revel in watching a sunset or being in nature for a walk a cloud hangs over me as I think about his sulky negative attitude.

I worry he will not be supportive to me when life changing things happen such as a parent’s death or stressful situations, recently (person removed by Moderator) died and I wanted to talk about it with him but he just acted passive-aggressive and turned the conversation about how I was confusing him about the way I spoke and he focused on the fact my (relative removed by Moderator) did not attend the funeral with my (relative removed by Moderator) rather then listening to me and how I was feeling, I showed him some old photo’s of me and this friend and he just laughed the photo. I decided that I should just talk to other people rather than him so I messaged my friend about it all instead.

I will now remove myself the best I can from situations with him instead of playing along, he is not good at being supportive so I will ask friends for support when he is looking for attention I will do something else instead like take a bath or clean the other room.

I don’t mind egotistical self centered people if it comes from a good place of self confidence but I worry about his intentions, is he like this because he want’s the best for me and he is just very self confident and firm in his beliefs or is he like this to control and isolate me and is being manipulative?”

I have so much things I can say about him and about my situation, but the only thing I can do is to try and understand is this something I can vocalise to him and help him understand how he is making me feel? is it just a misunderstanding and not abuse? or is it something I need to flee from at all costs?

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Orchid reads

I am so sorry that you are in such a confusing place at the moment, and for your recent struggles, including trying to make sense of your partner’s interactions with you.

What you say is that you are very unhappy with things, which, in itself is absolutely reasonable cause to leave, given how hard you have tried to be part of improving life for you all.

Separately, as you also mention, he has suffered childhood trauma/abuses, which will have left him with some learned behaviours/attitudes/beliefs/disregulation possibly. However, many who suffer abuses do not then go on to be abusive. If he is showing you abusive patterns of behaviour this is bound to give rise to fear and unhappiness in you. I’m not sure it’s always necessary, at this point, to fully know what’s behind it, given that you have tried to make this work from your part, and you have said he has seemed to do also at times.

What’s important is that you know it’s ok to leave, just because it’s making you unhappy or emotionally unwell in any way. It’s also advisable to do this safely, given your fears. I would listen to your fears, and if he instils fear in you, that is good reason to act with caution and to risk assess how his knowledge of any impending departure could escalate a potential threat to yourself or your baby.

Sometimes we also can adoopt a perpetrator’s strategy (abuse tactic) of mimimising, sorry, it’s not abusive for a victim to minimise his behaviour, but often something we adopt and continue beecause of hs conditioning us to believe it, and this often makes such accounts as yours, here, perhaps less than in reality. You also have given excuse to his abuse in some ways, referencing his own suffering. In this it’s important to know that being abused doesn’t mean you become abuser. Abuse has no excuse in that sense. It’s often cited by abusers as cause for sympathy in their victims. There are many such claims, such as blaming it on alcohol, illness, depression, past abuse, there is an endless list of ‘reasons’, but the only reason is because he wants power and control. The more broken down the survivor, the easier to assert power and control, by means of minimising, fear, even the passive-aggressive reactions you receive from him.

At the end of the day, it’s your choice, and you only need listen to your own voice in this, what your instinct is saying to you, that you fear, that you are unhappy, and feeling emotionally unwell.

Do you have support locally, from any women’s abuse services, or friends, family? You need all the support you can gather around you, and tread quietly so as not to arouse his suspicions of anything, whilst you make your decisions and open up your choices.

Do keep posting as you need, and asking the questions that will help influence your decisions, and open choices to you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Orchid reads]

Thank you for your reply,

I feel I have to be strong and take charge of my life. I’m not sure if I should talk to him about my concerns. I read on google it might be good to have a discussion and that communication is good.

I have been feeling very anxious and couldn’t sleep much. I was away for (timeframe removed by Moderator) and I feel like I need to adjust to being back now.

When I got back home I started feeling anxious, I am worried these forums are making it worse. I need to focus on positives in my life and bring myself up. I am not sure if he has done anything to make me anxious but the fact I am questioning if I am happy and if this is a healthy relationship makes things harder for me.

He shows no signs of violence towards me, only thing that I can pinpoint is how he hold himself and how he sort of throws objects, not in a violent way but will kindof drop the object or thing he is doing and walk away if I say something that displeases him, he is generally displeased all the time and complains all the time unless I do things he wants to do.

I am anxious today because it is Friday and I am not looking forward to a weekend together, as I know he will be constantly demanding things, and not listening to me and what I would like to do.

I don’t know if it is me and I need to act more happy to him and stuff, I am unhappy with him for various reasons other then his general attitude and how he makes me feel. I am not willing to agree with everything he says anymore and to do everything he wants and act as if it’s us against the world only because I feel that life was not a life I wanted and it was very much a life where he could do whatever he wanted and for me to not be heard and to cater to him.

I am confused because everything is so complex.

I need to be factual in this form and give concrete evidence of abuse but when I try I feel I am wining and being unreasonable, or I just feel I am venting and making myself even more anxious.

I am going to keep pushing to make space for myself this weekend and ask him to help me do that, I need to adjust back home and I need to feel I can rest abit and he needs to help me do that.

one step at a time.

thanks!

 

 

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Orchid reads

It does sound to me like you have already been through enough gruelling attempts at speaking with him, at trying to communicate, in getting to the point you are now at.  You don’t get heard by an abuser, and it will cause more distress in you.  Communication is good, yes, very much so and very healthy, but it’s an incredibly toxic experience when a survivor tries this with a perpetrator of abuse.  It is hard to face, but you are already trying to deal with it, and it’s important that you prioritise yourself now.  If he was going to listen to you, and understand your fear of him, you would know by now that he was that person, and you haven’t found him to be that person in all of your experience of him to date, you have found him to be the opposite and a search engine won’t understand any of the complexities that you do know and experience.   Most will not understand the complexities of abuse (whether emotional or physical), it’s still hugely toxic to you and highly debilitating to your choices and possible actions.

when you say this:

he is generally displeased all the time and complains all the time unless I do things he wants to do.

…have you known him change so far?

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour….is  a quote from somewhere, not my own, someone else may know it’s source, I do not.  It is true, he shows you who he is continually, and it’s making you unhappy at the least, but at worst a lot more besides.  If he knows how upset and distressed he is making you, and he certainly does, yet hasn’t changed so far in response to your reactions, sadly it doesn’t sound like he will.

Look after you, prioritise your needs and your well-being, again, it’s doubtful he will change, and is showing you who he is.   This is not your fault, and you need and deserve far better.

warmest wishes

ts

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I think that sounds like a sensible suggestion that you make at the end of your last comment. To just start asking for some of the things you need. Just really reasonable things that you feel that you would happily give him if he asked for them. I want to sit on the beach one day this weekend, I’d love to just watch the rugby/football/ etc all day and drink beer, I’d like to have friends round for dinner, I’d like to have a lie in and then walk in the park. Whatever it is that you want or need to do.
One part, I found, in my abusive relationship is that very often he pushed back against the simplest thing that I wanted to do, and yet I almost always was easy going when it came to agreeing to do what he wanted to do.
So it could be interesting for you, just to ask for what you need and see how that goes.

[Breadandbutterpudding]

Maybe have a read of coercive control and (removed by Moderator) abuse and see if any of it seems familiar?

I don’t want to frighten you but things often escalate slowly over time and would hate this to happen. It took me a year to realise what was happening to me, I had anxiety and panic attacks, but I’ve left. Still coming to terms with it but it can be done

[Orchid reads]

Ho,

I just wrote a huge this then it got deleted, maybe it’s not such a bad thing.

This can could be short and brief.

I acted differently (timeframe removed by Moderator), he is glued to me, I decided to walk slowly through park and town,looking in shop windows, sitting on benches enjoying the sun. He was very moody.He asked and confronted me about this change of behaviour. All I was trying to do was enjoy things on my own and my way but he constantly interrupted me and made me feel like I was doing things wrong, which in turn solidified the fears I had about him. I ended up telling him I needed some space and that he needs to find other things to do then, being with me all the time, because also he seems very displeased to be around me.

That was (timeframe removed by Moderator)…. Very distressing.

(timeframe removed by Moderator) I have given him some grace, I have been not approaching the subject of abuse or my happiness much in my head and just surviving as they say.

(timeframe removed by Moderator) I ended up confiding into him I thought I had been having. I told him I wanted to move closer to my perants, I told him there is nothing here for me in this town, no one I feel closely similar to me to family, no one I can count on and no one I can talk to. I do have so e friends and family members here but I still feel incredibly lonely and isolated. I was met with much resistance and refusal to engage, I had to explain how I was feeling and what family means to me over again, it was very hurtful to have to explain basic human needs. At one point he tried to turn me against my perants and I again had to explain to him saying that was wrong on different levels.

Anyway I feel a darkness has come over me somewhat since I had to explain to him my desire to be closer to home and my feelings of isolations. I feel me having to explain this to him in such a way and talking about my deepest fears and desires where still met with slanders to my perants and unsupportive and understanding advice has left me once again feeling distrustful, anxious and alone.

On another note, I am trying to challenge my belief system. I hear women are leaving men more then ever and not giving men a real chance because now women can be more independent and sex,love and marriage is not as needed as before. I am challenging the idea that I need to fight against this that I need to stay with my husband to not be another single women. I am scared that through media and popular culture I am lead to believe that men are worthless.

I think perhaps marriage is hard and perhaps he is just insecure and I need to change my out look and maybe he is a good person just maybe abit difficult and that I am happier with him in the long run.

I don’t know if I have lost trust in him knowing how he is able to treat me in my darkness moments and that when I reach the hardships in life I just don’t think he will be there because he has never shown me to be a kind understanding person. But maybe I can still stay with him and just be closer to friends and family and rely on them and call them rather then him.

 

 

[Orchid reads]

Hi,

I also feel sometimes it’s easier to ignore the problem, yes we argue but at least I don’t have to think about abuse.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Orchid reads

You have spoken a lot of your unhappiness and his reactions when you speak, try to express yourself, try to do what you want to do.  Remember, this is always your choice, based on your experiences.

However, you should not be feeling fear of him, fear of speaking up, fearing of being shut-down, criticised, blanked, or worse, fear of him and what he might do.

Just being aware, and thinking about all possibilities and your choices are so important to your well-being and safety.

You don’t have to stay in any relationship, especially one where you are working so hard to make it work, and it still isn’t.

As far as abuse, and increasingly women leaving men for abuse, that is not something that should affect your own situation, that is going on as a result of raised awareness and more and more women not accepting poor/toxic situations for themselves.   There is also considerable push-back, in the form of resistence to it, and believing women are not working hard enough to stay with bad relationships.  Again, this is not something you need to consider what’s going on out there, what matters is your safety, fears and state of well-being.

Look after yourself, prioritise your vital needs.

warmest wishes

ts

[EvenSerpentsShine]

it sounds as if you are very confused at the moment. This can certainly be a symptom of being abused, but it can also be a symptom of lots of other things.

I understand your worries that you may be talking yourself into thinking he’s abusive when he’s not.
There is a lot of talk in the media about this stuff and it can be confusing.

On the one hand, healthy relationships can be challenging at times. Some of the things you talk about, such as finding him generally unsupportive when you try to talk about emotional issues, I have certainly heard over and over from friends in healthy ( or at least good enough) relationships. Like you, they turn to female friends when they need support!

Also, when we start scrutinizing our relationships and trying to talk to our partners about that, we can set both parties into a react/react mode. An example is that you express something he does that you don’t like, he then feels hurt, vulnerable and insecure and withdraws a bit, you then get upset because he seems to be pulling away whenever you try and talk about problems, he then picks up that you’re getting ever more unhappy and starts acting up etc. You get my point I’m sure!

[EvenSerpentsShine]

This can lead into a horrible knot that no one knows how to untie, all about something no one quite understands. You yourself seem very unsure and changeable about how you’re feeling, and this certainly could create a situation where he doesn’t clearly understand what the problem is.

On the other hand, I don’t want to persuade you that this isn’t an abusive relationship, I can honestly say with hand on heart that I can’t make that judgement based on what you’ve said.
It very well could be, (removed by Moderator). Often it’s not until we’re committed ( pregnant, financial ties, pets, I’ll, vulnerable) that the abuse really starts to show, or until many many years later when the chickens start to come home to roost.

 

[Lisa]

Hi Orchid reads,

Thank you for sharing so openly about what you’re going through. It’s really not easy to consider that your partner may be abusive, you’re not alone in struggling with this. That you’re reading about abuse and reaching out for support means that you’re recognising something isn’t right, and it’s important to trust those instincts. It also sounds like your husband’s behaviour is having a big impact on your mental health and that matters.

There are lots of things in what you’ve shared that indicate you are experiencing domestic abuse. The nasty, hurtful behaviour doesn’t have to be all of the time, in fact, it’s usually not and there can be real highs with an abuser. This inconsistency is part of what makes domestic abuse so confusing and difficult to see while you’re in it.

You mentioned him being possessive, this is often used as a way of being controlling by abusers, along with claims of jealousy or accusations of cheating. Isolation is very common in domestic abuse, it makes women more dependent on their abuser, so it’s harder to leave, and there’s no one to point out concerns. You talk about being isolated when you first got together and about his attitude towards your parents now, trying to turn you against them when you’ve expressed a need for more connection and support. A healthy partner would try to understand your needs and support you to meet them. You describe a pattern of him making sure you know, in unpleasant ways, when he’s not happy with something that you’re doing; whether that’s by using his moods to punish you or dropping things and walking away. This is emotional abuse, the aim being to control your behaviour by making you want to avoid his reactions. He can see the impact that he has on you, you’ve even told him, and he is choosing to continue to behave in this way.

It can be really tempting to look for reasons or excuses for this kind of behaviour, that’s a normal response. However, childhood trauma or being insecure don’t cause abuse. Many people live with both of these and are healthy and supportive partners. He’s an adult who is responsible for his behaviour and for getting support to manage it. Not getting that support and putting the responsibility onto you is abusive.

You might find it helpful to have a look at Women’s Aid’s “Am I experiencing domestic abuse?” quiz, there’s a lot of information there. You could also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and speak with one of their trained advisors about what you’re going through. They can support you to understand the dynamics in your relationship. It’s always best to check out these concerns.

You shouldn’t have to act happy to be respected. You deserve kindness and understanding.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[br0kengirl]

Dont ignore the early signs, if sometning feels off dont ignore it. I made tbat mistake, I overlooked so much. Talk to your trusted family and friends if you are unsure about anything or want a second opinion on something that was done to you.

[Author]

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