accused

[smallbutbrave]

Hi all

 

After a normal few weeks of him being nice, he (timeframe removed by Moderator) in a foul mood.  The reason….He (detail removed by Moderator) and now he is convinced something is going on, he said it’s a sign from the otherside trying to tell him something.  Absolutely nothing has ever happened with this man.  I don’t know him and have never spoke to him but he is convinced I do.  He asked me if I need to tell hom something, I obviously do not but he won’t believe me and said he is going to hire a private detective!!  I really do not know where to go with this???

 

Sorry just need to offload

[br0kengirl]

I was also accused of something I didnt do. I am still scared my ex will take it further but I am just trying to compile as much evidence to defend myself if needed. It never makes sense how these people can lie so comfortably. I guess maybe when they feel they are losing control or power over you they do something extreme to get your attention. Best thing you can do is distance yourself from them, protect yourself, and share your side of the story with as many trusted family and friends because when he starts manipulating you they will keep you rationale.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

For me so much of an abusive relationship was about being accused of things.

At the beginning I found it extremely difficult because the accusations were nebulous and vague. You aren’t considerate enough to my feelings, or, you don’t defend me in front of others, or, you flirt, or, you have resentments about me.

All this I found really destabilizing because there’s no black or white answer. It’s all stuff that’s on a spectrum, and you can beat yourself up forever wondering if these things are true about you.

I think that this kind of relentless criticism really smashes our self trust and self confidence to pieces. We’re forever questioning ourselves and our behavior. Just where they want us to be.
But there are other accusations too. For me they came later. Things that we know we didn’t do. What’s happening to you fits into this category.

Personally speaking I found that these accusations helped me to break the spell of coercive control and abuse. I knew they weren’t true, so I knew I was being messed with.

I hope it has the same effect for you.
it may be useful to write down all these things, so that you don’t forget them.
It was precisely these kinds of accusations that helped me to see what was really happening to me.

[smallbutbrave]

I feel everything you said is so my situation.

 

It’s the constant questioning myself and feeling like i am guilty when I also know I have done absolutely nothing wrong.  He said (timeframe removed by Moderator)… (quote removed by Moderator)  I said (quote removed by Moderator).  I just think it sounds ridiculous, I can’t believe I even waster any breath answering stupid questions like that!!  However, he still thinks I am lying and I really fancy him!!!  I really don’t fancy him….it is so stupid.

He said he will find out of i am lying and I will face a world of pain.

 

(timeframe removed by Moderator) he is acting totally normal and pleasant, But I feel so down and so fed up of his accusations, abuse, aggression, constantly walking on eggshells, I am at the point where I am to frightened to defend myself as this really sends him over the edge.  He will in turn get angry with me because he can feel I am being ‘off’ with him so I have to try and act normal myself.  I just want hom to understand his actions and words are not ok.  He doesn’t, he says it is all my own doing and I have made him this way.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Yes I completely understand the:  I’ll find out if you’re lying and then you’ll be sorry, line. Omg I had that too. It had 2 immediate effects on me.

one was fear. Because, if he can invent so much stuff what else will he invent based on what he ‘discovers’. Mine could convince himself anything was true. He would add 2 and 2 and make 5,827.

the second was real anger, almost rage, at the injustice of it. I can still feel it coming back to me now when I think about it! And knowing that no way could I express this righteous anger.

And then the nice guy comes along, so we’re sitting on these explosive emotions, fear and injustice and they’re  goading us by being ‘nice’ and expecting us to be nice back, even though they’ve just insulted us, on the deepest level.

But if we show any emotion, anger, resentment, upset, anything, it’s taken and used as a weapon against us.

‘You see what you’re like, see what I have to put up with, see the grief I have to take, you’re so miserable, that’s why I get angry, because you make me, you’d make anyone angry, just look at your resentful face when I’m just trying to have a nice time’

Ugh! No wonder we end up like Stepford wives.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

You say you’d like him to understand that his words and actions are not ok, if he’s anything like mine he will never understand that.

Because he knows already.
He knows already and he doesn’t care.

[Author]

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