Act of kindness, but tainted by him

[searchingforhope]

I received a gift from a family member when they heard of my separation. Just little (detail removed by moderator). It was so kind, so unexpected and so heart warming. The not nice part though is I almost feel guilty, I’m not with him now and his past lectures have me feeling guilty. He fell out in a big way with this family member of mine. Which was half his fault, but he taunted me for years on not supporting him and taking his side as my husband. So today after receiving this lovely thoughtful token, his voice was in my head, why are you talking to them, texting them, not supporting me. I felt guilty, I felt like . . .oh my I’ll be in so much trouble if he finds out! I don’t think he could find out. There is no way the kids could communicate that to him because they don’t realise who that family member was or any of the torment I had to put up with. I don’t know does that make sense to you or not.

Tried explaining to my mother how it was such a lovely thing to get, but that I felt guilty over it. She didn’t get it. But did also really appreciate the kind gesture like I did.

It’s strange the hold he has over me. Although in many ways I see the coercive control that is /was there, in many ways I also still question myself. I’m far from over any of this. Still very much working my way through it all. How long will this road be and where in the name of God will it even take me, I’m not sure. It has to surely be to somewhere happier. When I can finally be at ease and just be happy and having a boring life! I’d happily take boring right now.
Not sure does my rambling even make sense to anyone.
Hope that you all get the strength you need right now for those who need it, that you get good sleep and tomorrow will be a good day x*x

[Lisa]

Hello Searchingforhope,

I can sense the inner conflict in your post between these feelings of appreciation and guilt for this gift you’ve received. It sounds like this has more meaning for you than those around you might realise, and it has understandably raised some really confusing and frustrating feelings.

It’s a positive sign that you are able to identify this guilty feeling as his voice, and not internalise it or take it on as your own. It sounds like you are still worried about the consequences you had to anticipate from him in the relationship and are not feeling completely free yet. With him still in your life it must be hard to imagine getting to that point at all.

Please remember how far you’ve come and be patient with yourself in your journey to recovery.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[searchingforhope]

Thank you so much for your reply. I tried explaining it to my sister and brother today too, but they didn’t get me. You’ve totally got me in your interpretation of it. It does mean so much. I was so so close to this family member and I completely stood back and steered clear because of his issue with them. I still spoke to her when I saw them, although briefly, and always terrified and looking over my shoulder of the repercussions if he was around or observed me speaking with them or just saying hello even. So even now, I feel like there will be another lecture from him if he finds out, another lecture on not supporting him and not taking his side. He never got that he put me in the middle of it. He never got how much it all hurt me, this arguement and interchange he had with them. If he had only kept his mouth shut it may never have even happened. But God forbid, I’d ever have mentioned that.

I’m realising more this week that I have so much to work through, so much to rebuild and a long road ahead. Just hoping I can keep finding the strength. Thanks for your reply. I very much appreciate it.

x*x

[Author]

Posts