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Hello lovely ladies,
I’m new here. I left my abusive partner (detail removed by moderator) and have been recovering since. It’s a long old process isn’t it! It’s not like getting over a normal relationship which has come to an end. It’s a totally different wave to ride.
Recently, i’ve had the realisation that I was raped by my ex partner (detail removed by moderator) of the relationship. The realisation came as flashbacks and i’ve had a couple of panic attacks at the same time. The second panic attack I was able to breathe through it so it didn’t completely take hold and I used a meditative technique to put distance between myself and the memory and panic. I think I’m doing quite well but I also know it’s healthy to talk about it with others who understand…
Is there anything else anyone can suggest to me as to how I do my best to get through this stage? Or any other thoughts on it are welcome.
Thankyou x
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Hi, I’d seek out some counselling. Maybe trauma counselling and if you need to speak to someone the rape crisis helpline is great. I also reported my rapist to the police which gave me a little closure x
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Hi KIP, thanks for responding. I had counselling for the abuse at an earlier stage in my recovery but this has just reared its ugly head out of what seemed like nowhere. It shocked me because I hadn’t realised I had been raped, I mean I dressed it up as something else and I guess it got put in the cupboard at the back of my brain and then suddenly leapt out. I will call Rape Crisis and listen to their advice.
x
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The Body Keeps the Score is a good book about how we retain trauma. My mental health plummeted during lockdown and sometimes a new trauma or stressful event will trigger an old one. Perhaps revisit trauma counselling will help. It’s such a horrible thing to accept it was rape by an intimate partner. Such a shocking breach of trust. I’m sure we live in denial because it’s too much to take for some time x
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I’ll order that book tonight, thank you for pointing me to it. Yes, how deeply insignificant must someone feel to do that.
That’s what I think about him:
Small insignificant little man.Yours obviously came out of the same damaged goods factory which made mine.
I am determined my life is not going to be put forever on hold or in recovery because of him. I know I can’t rush the process but I know I can help myself through it.
X
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Yes. ‘Healing from hidden abuse’ is a good book too. Check out the internet for The Body Keeps The Score. I think there’s some stuff on YouTube too. Yes sadly a serial abuser too. You find that’s what they do in each relationship. I won’t be the only one and I doubt you will be either x it does take a long time to recover though. The trauma they leave is incredible. Sick little men.
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Thanks KIP, that’s going to be ordered too.
Yes, like you I am aware this is their MO and I wasn’t singled out for special horrific treatment whilst the next woman gets Prince Charming.
I’ve realised though that had I not over wrote my gut feelings in the first place with excuses for him, the relationship would likely not have gone much further than the first date. I’m not blaming myself but I’m being honest with where I think I have room for improvement. Do you know of any therapies or books which help with this? I was thinking of CBT, but not sure if this is the right therapy for helping you to listen to your gut and act on it.
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Have you done the Freedom programme? It’s based on the book Living with the Dominator and basically teaches us how to spot abusers and to trust our gut. Your local women’s aid may run this or it can be done online. I think maybe therapy may help us realise the reasons we are attracted to these men. Sometimes it’s problems in childhood or a lack of self esteem and confidence. So maybe talking to a therapist will make us think about the choices we make and why.
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My counselling was done with a private counsellor and not through Women’s Aid. Childhood was discussed as was the abusive relationship I had just experienced and it did help a lot to talk to the counsellor. But the rapes didn’t come up. At this point, I think I wasn’t able to go there but now it’s come out very recently. I will sign up for the Freedom Programme too. Thanks x
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This is an ongoing issue for me and I find it extremely hard to say the word or even have it said. I know that sounds very weird but I can’t accept it. There’s no doubt and there’s been many situations, most recent in a (detail removed by moderator). it’s just so hideous that I have to block it out just to cope.
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Hi Cantmakedecisions. I downloaded The Body Keeps The Score last night on KIP’s suggestion and have started reading it already, it’s good and I’m only at the beginning of the book. I think I wasn’t able to deal with being raped at all which is why it’s only just surfaced after a couple of years. I’m finding that the more I say it out loud, the more I am able to accept it. Admittedly, I do shake a bit but I feel if I want to get better it’s another wave I have to ride in what is the rollercoaster of recovering from domestic abuse and violence. Keep going x
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The R word as I think of it in my head.
I still can’t say it/think it/hard to acknowledge it.
Strange isn’t it. No is no. Should be no.
Had an awful meeting yesterday with the police – some nasty victim blaming going on. Alas I can’t go into detail – for me that bit is heartbreaking – that I can’t share with the ladies on this forum. The ladies who get it, don’t judge just support. Thank you WA for this forum.
Anyways, enough of that. Glad to hear it’s not just me. I literally dance around it. The incident (sounds like I peed myself), when he forced himself on me (errr), the time I gave a statement… Ridiculous and funny. The R word.
The police say it’s hard (indeed) because you were having a sexual relationship with him. No s**t sherlock.. so that means I can never say no? Really?!
Pah. B******s to them and all those who think that way. When I say no I mean it. No.
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Took me months of being out the relationship to accept what had happened too. He raped me, more than once. And I stayed. Blanked it out. But my insomnia began after the first time. I was so young and naive, I have cried for that poor girl.
She’s gone now and that’s no bad thing. A strong woman has taken her place. When I have survived him I will survive anything. It’s in the past now, a sad chapter but only that. Lots more of the story yet to be written 💪😊
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Quite early on in the relationship I felt that he’d been raping his wife. I was projecting what was happening to me onto her.
I believed that children were born out of love. One of my children was conceived through rape.
Coercive Control has been a crime since 2015. Rape within marriage has been a crime since 1992 in England.
I think the police really need to get a handle on coercive control to see rape in a different light. If we are complying to sex there may well be coercion going on.
Women have been seen historically as objects, as chattels. Compliance is so often the norm. If the law against marital rape is worth anything, the police need to look into coercion as well. Otherwise it’s a waste of paper
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I feel ready to talk now about the details of what happened in those experiences. Sadly I can’t do that here because I would be identifiable. I’ve had my fair share of relationships and not one of those men ever forced, coerced or shamed me into having sex with them. Only this one man in this one relationship did that. I can see now how I placated him by giving into his sexual demands right at the very beginning. I recall being confused by the situation, freezing in the moment, going through the motions and then packaging the experience up as something else and hiding it in the recesses of the closet in my mind. I have nothing to feel ashamed about. I see how I reacted then and afterwards as coping mechanisms because at the time and all through the relationship actually, I spent most of my time deeply confused about all of it. Everything was wrong in that relationship, everything. Nothing was conflict free or normal or easy and I know that because I have had other relationships to compare it to. Everything was a fight, a struggle, a headache, heartache and heartbreak.
Growing up, I lived with a family member who had the severest of tempers. I learned early on, to placate them in an attempt to prevent them losing their temper and/or placate them when they lost their temper which was frequently. I see how I was coerced into having sex when I wasn’t ready and didn’t want to, that I reverted back to being the same little girl who used to placate their bad-tempered relative. For me, this is a breakthrough in my understanding of my behavioural pattern. The harder part will be remaining conscious when future situations arise in my life where someone wants to dominate me. I must always stand my ground and by my boundaries.
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I’m so sorry this happened to you. It shouldn’t have happened. I’ve ended up ringing rape crisis twice this week, just to go over things that have happened over the years. Memories keep popping up all over the place now. It’s incredibly painful to admit to myself that he raped me more times than I can count or even remember… the first time being less than a year into our relationship and before we got married! I feel so stupid to have married him and the feelings of betrayal are strong at the moment.
It really is such a painful thing to realise. I think at the time it happens, we just frame it as something else, something more palatable and easier to cope with.
My husband has become really vocal about feminism and hating rapists too, so that makes it all even more confusing and difficult to comprehend.
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Hi Pea,
I can’t share the details of my past situation as my ex is aware that I know now what he did.
Yes, that’s exactly what we do – dress it up as something more palatable or pretend it didn’t happen full stop, or both and yes they are coping mechanisms I believe. As I stated before, I’m quite a way down the recovery path myself so when this sprung up, it was quite a shock. I’m glad it came to the surface though and isn’t still buried deep within my psyche. Better out than in, as the saying goes.
I’m ok now surprisingly, once I had admitted it to myself and on this forum and to others close to me, it holds no power over me any longer. Reading KIP’s book suggestions has helped immensely as has my grounding techniques.
If he thought for one moment that he actually took something from my soul by doing these things, he is mistaken. I’m as whole as I was before I met him.
They are small insignificant excuses for men. That’s all they are Pea x
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I was a bit gobsmacked when the police said it was rape I don’t understand how I have been so stupid as I knew it was really – is this what cognitive dissonance is ? Like many of you it happened so many times.
Police definitely need more training on coercive control I’ve had bad experiences and excellent experiences the DA unit were by far the best but all units need that education. Same-again I’m sorry you had that response the evidential threshold bar is just too high but that’s rubbish and you were so brave to report! I know how hard that is!!! I’m also heart broken I can’t share stuff on here I have a feeling our stories are very similar – too identifying too much risk other processes and that’s not fair either is it – but sending all of you my thanks for your honesty and bravery in talking about this important issue x -
It’s a very brave thing to do to report a rape but know that your statements may one day corroborate another victim and you may still be able to access some sort of justice this way. He’s on the radar now too. Rapes are often carried out by repeat offenders. It’s just what they do. Sick individuals x
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