Adult child pulling back

[Headspin]

I just feel so distraught sometimes. Especially now, one daughter has backed off from her Dad (my abusive husband) says she can’t cope with him. All I want is a “normal” family, laughter, support and loyalty. He just effs everything up and is so horrible that she doesn’t come to visit any more. She said I always have the option to leave but he is seriously ill and I can’t, I absolutely loathe him and Jeez I don’t know what to do for the best. If I leave him, he’ll have to (detail removed by Moderator), it’s so hard looking after someone who was and still continues to be a horrible person.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Headspin

There is never a valid reason to stay with someone who hurts you, and hurts your children, never.

He’s actively pushing everyone away, whilst guilting them into staying.

You must do what you feel you can best manage, and I hope that you feel some relief that at least your daughter has managed to see it for what it is and escaped it. I’m sure she hates to see you suffering too.

Prioritise yourself, and know that you deserve better, no matter how ill he may be. There are professionals out there that can be his care.

warmest wishes

ts

[maddog]

It must be very hard for you to hear those words from your adult daughter. Although your husband is horrible and the atmosphere with him around is toxic, there are many reasons people don’t or can’t escape.

Are you able to spend good quality time with your daughter away from your husband? It may be worth looking at your options so you can create a better relationship with your daughter, and have a better understanding. It sounds as though she loves you very much and doesn’t like seeing you suffer.

Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship. We escape.

Nobody’s going to force you to leave. Healing can start happening when the abuser is out of our lives. However, it takes time and preparation, and you need to weigh up the pros and cons.

I remember thinking that yes, my marriage was horrendous, but I’d made my bed so I had to put up with it. Something happened, the final straw, and I realised that both the children and I were in danger if we didn’t get out.

You deserve better than this. It’s brilliant that you’ve recognised his behaviour. There may be more that your daughter hasn’t told you. Keep that conversation going.

[Author]

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