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My son is (detail removed by moderator), he and I have always had a wonderful relationship. I married my ex when my children were young – I’d been widowed so there was no Dad in the picture. My ex was wonderful at first – I didn’t know about (detail removed by moderator) at the time – but very gradually things began to change. He started to nag and criticize. I tried to get help, but nobody wanted to know as he was very popular – our minister even shrugged his shoulders and said there was nothing he could do. My ex began to threaten with suicide, disappearing and leaving me homeless, making things so much worse etc., when I talked about wanting to separate. Social services, the police, church officials, friends, the police – all blank walls.
I thought my son was doing well, I know he’d gone for some counselling as he said he had a problem with self-esteem. He has built himself a good career, lives in a nice place, has great friends, and does the things he loves in his spare time – (detail removed by moderator), hiking, visiting my daughter who has (detail removed by moderator) small children who adore him.
So when he sent a message through my daughter the other day, I was floored. He included a list of things that were done to him, and he wants to know why I let it happen. Some of those things I didn’t know about, hitting and harassment – my daughter said they didn’t tell me as they didn’t want to upset me! He’s (detail removed by moderator) away and I can’t get there – no car and no buses go that way – so can’t sit down with him. He says he doesn’t want to hear from me without answers. I don’t know how to explain that I stayed because it felt more dangerous to leave, that I was paralyzed with fear if I put a foot wrong, that the women’s shelter the social worker told me to go to wouldn’t let him stay (I didn’t go there, of course) and that he would be put into foster care and I’d have a hard time getting him back.
I feel as though he’ll see all of this as making excuses. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by when I’ve not felt guilt and shame, and wished I had been strong enough to do more.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can put in the response that he wants? This has come out of the blue and my head is spinning! -
Could you send him an article on n********m and how it affects the whole family. Ask him to look at the facts about domestic abuse and how it plays out so often as he has experienced as above. Understanding the dynamics of this is key xx otherwise without this u can’t move forward. He could watch some you tube stuff on this. He could look at how people victim blamed xx then his eyes would be wide open xx not sure if this helps 😘
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You can tell him how sorry you are that he and his sister didn’t have the confidence to tell you what was going on.
Although it’s horrible for you, he has been very brave in lashing out. However, he’s now an adult and no longer a toddler. As DIYmum says, there’s loads of stuff on Youtube about n********m, and there are TED talks about why people don’t leave abusive relationships.
Perhaps you could look them up, if only to find your own feet, and to recognise that you are not alone. When you have found your voice, you could tell him to do the same. His adult outrage is abusive. You don’t need to tolerate it or succumb to it. Then you can have a conversation.
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Please look up TED talks as well. They’re highly respected and really interesting. My children have been watching them too!
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Hi Taramore
My sister was physically abused by her partner. She had several children with him. She moved to the other end of the country with him, escaped to refuges a number of times and had social workers involved constantly in their lives. You can imagine how chaotic home was for the kids.
All of them have some kind of trauma from this and all have dealt with it differently. My sister spent a long time dealing with, then healing from the abuse, during which time she now admits she wasn’t able to be the best mother.
Recently, however, as she’s come to terms with her own trauma, she is able to forgive herself for her failings. She has spoken to all of her children and apologised for the hurt she caused them – mostly as a result of being emotionally unavailable to them. She was able to apologise without blaming herself.
Perhaps your children crave something similar from you? You can apologise for being emotionally unavailable and suggest that no subject is off limits moving forwards. You can’t fix the past but you can let them open up. You can’t justify every decision you made but you can acknowledge their hurt. Forget they’re adults now and speak to the children they once were.
Sending a hug x
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Yeh make sure he knows it’s practically impossible to parent under these extreme circumstances xx very hard – have you looked at Erin Pizzey on you tube ? She has lots to say about family dynamics xx his conclusions should be that this 100 percent was not your fault or really in your power to do anything through mainly fear and conditioning from trauma xx
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