Advice for during divorce and after…

[Sb3stush]

Hi all,

I am in the process of divorcing my husband whom I finally left after three children and several years of suffering in silence in front of them and many a shouting match.

Thinking back on the time we were together, he always had to have the final say over everything. He was obsessed with how I clean the house – apparently in his words we do not have the same cleaning standards. He was also unhappy with my cooking and would incessantly give me examples of how his mother would cook this and that, and even said to me he will invite her over so she can teach me how to run the house. We had agreed when we got married that I would be a stay-home mum but now the kids are all at school and I am in an age where I can still do so much, so I decided to get a (detail removed by Moderator) job. He had a massive issue with that – why do I need this when I am not even able to do things around the house, who will keep me at work I will just make a fool of myself and so on. I did end up taking the job, resulting in a massive scandal and (timeframe removed by Moderator) weeks of silent treatment. He withholds intimacy as well.

Eventually I decided to leave. It was when I was on my own, him visiting (relatives removed by Moderator) for (timeframe removed by Moderator) when I suddenly clicked – I didn’t need him with the kids, I was managing well and things were peaceful. What is more I started reflecting back on all the things he ever did, how he never showed care, how he only thinks of himself, how he left me to myself with the kids so many times. He would be nice and welcoming when he needs something, but when it comes to me, he’d be picky and pedantic. I was left with a lot of bitterness – I gave and gave, and he took and took.

In the end I had to secretly fill divorce papers and go when he was away from home. I took the kids with me, moved house and left him the papers and a note that he can see the kids and all until we settle everything. He really flipped every time I asked for a divorce before and would try to keep me at all cost – even begged me on his knees once. Made me feel like I was the bad person in it all.

Now every time he comes to get the kids he behaves super nice and is saying to me how sorry he is, how the house is empty, how we are everything good this life gave him and so on. Yet, I have noticed when he is with the kids he tells them stuff like ah your mum says this and that but in fact I am right and it is this way and she is wrong. So whatever I manage to do he undoes… i feel like he is continuing to manipulate us and now also the kids and that there is no way this will end unless he does not see them at all.

I have to say as well, he has certain culture and he wants our children to adhere to it, regardless of what my culture is. Especially for my teenage girl, this isnt easy as he is actively encouraging her to conform to his culture, which lets say is not an easy one for a teen girl who is proud of her good looks and her freedoms.

Any advice I really appreciate on how to navigate a complex divorce and post divorce manipulation.

[Lisa]

Hi Sb3stush,

Welcome to the forum. Your post describes so well your experiences of abuse. The misogynistic ideas about the roles of women that underlie abuse come through so clearly. It is, unfortunately, really common that abusers will use the children as a way to continue their abuse after a woman leaves. Hopefully some of the other users will be able to reply to you soon to share their experiences and advice about going through this. You’re not alone.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Author]

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