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I’m in crisis accommodation after fleeing a domestic abuse relationship on (detail removed by Moderator). I will not be returning but my teenagers have stayed with dad. This us understandable as he has a huge house in the countryside and the teenagers ((detail removed by Moderator)) can have what they want. In my absence however, he is now coercively controlling them and they are refusing to speak with me
Despite the fact I have been assessed as high risk, the children still maintain I am the problem as dad manipulates every situation. For example, (detail removed by Moderator)
Will the kids ever believe me? I miss them so much but simply can’t return.. -
Hi littlemissgettingthere
Sorry to hear your situation. So glad that you made it out of there safely, but yes, all too often the children’s heads are swayed by the material aspects of life, which as you’ve shown them, are not the most important things in life, your safety is.
He will have worked on them for sure, and I am so saddened by the affect this has had on them to the point that they won’t, or can’t, see you.
What you do depends a bit on who you have around you at the moment involved in your being safe. This team that has put you at high risk, needs to go further in assessing your children’s high risk also.
Children can be so much more compliant, depending on their ages and existing experiences. It needs flagging up to those that should protect children to ensure that someone is trying to keep them safe also.
This could be their teachers, GP, children’s services, police, a local domestic abuse agency, other charities like Save the Children, NSPCC, Coram Childrens Centre (dependent upon your/their area), another organisation is Match mothers for mothers separated from their children which could be support for you and potentially advice for other routes to take.
I wish you all the strength for this fight for your children. Of course, if you are being refused access to your children this is also a legal matter and you can apply to court for a contact order, and resolution of division of the home so that you also have a home to raise your children in with you, you may get full custody in the end, depending upon the evidence you have.
Any home that you have should also be a space for your children also as you are one of their main carers, if not the main carer up til now.
Do keep posting for help and advice or just to let out your worries. I hope you can make progress.
If you are in a refuge, your refuge worker should be able to put you in touch with services also.
warmest wishes
ts
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Hi littlemissgettingthere,
I’m experiencing it with the next generation ie. grandchild. How much control do these men want??
(detail removed by Moderator) I was accused of things that are so uncharacteristic of me I was just amazed. (detail removed by Moderator) I noticed something very uncharacteristic of my child and very characteristic of him though.
I think they’ll believe you. Truth is more powerful than deceit. Some of these people must lie so much they don’t know what’s real and what isn’t, and that must be horrible. Madonna said “the only real protection in life is self-belief” and I have that.
Congratulations on getting out xx
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Similar things happened to me.
I got lawyers etc.
it’s very difficult when they do this. Sorry this has happened. -
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Hi
Because they are (ages removed by Moderator), they can vote with their feet. I know I said they were children, but because they are isolated in a house in the middle of nowhere,(as I was) they only have him in their ears. My local women’s agency Key Worker said just try and ride it out. So, so hard.
Thanks all.
(name removed by Moderator)
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Hi all.
Can anyone tell me whether this will get any better? The pain is worsening. What I didn’t mention in my original post is that ‘dad; is actually ‘stepdad’ but took them on as his own. I have to respect that at least. They still refuse to believe me though, despite seeing it with their own eyes. I have pressed charges, which i wasn’t going to do as didn’t want the kids to balme me, b ut as they seem to find fault with everything I do, I decided he should be held account for his awful actions. (detail removed by Moderator) but I don’t know if the kid’s know that.
It’s horrible and every memory is killing me. I was even going to return just to make them happy again but they will have fled the nest in a couple of years and I would be left with him.
I would be really pleased to hear if anyone has been in a similar position and can tell me any good news. It’s truly heartbreaking.
(name removed by Moderator) xx
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Hi littlemissgettingthere
I have so much sympathy for you in this most painful and distressing place for a mum, where there’s an abuser involved with the children.
I feel for you so much.
I don’t come from the same position as you, but I hope that someone else can perhaps notice your latest post and have something positive to share.
They may well come to realise who he is, for themselves, but they may not, so I don’t personally believe that this is an accurate reflection of what happens to children who are suffering daily manipulation, gaslighting, minimising and all the rest, it shuts down options, alienates them against their mothers sometimes for life, and damages their own perspectives on a healthy world, not to mention the mental illness. Children cannot be expected to find their way through that mire, when we ourselves know only too well how hard it is for an adult to navigate without significant harms along the way. Its naive at best to think children know how to manage this.
I am sorry to be saying things that are the reality of life for you, and them, its hard, so hard, and not to be minimised or shut down. You know him best and you do have tools at your disposal and its good to hear that you have now taken legal actions against him. Yes, he will blame you for that, which you know, and he will further indoctrinate and isolate them from you, but this is all part of the abuse and social services and other agencies have a duty to protect all children, no matter their age.
They can’t escape a remote country home, they have no means to do this, and nowhere to seek refuge nearby, even if they realise that he is deliberately alienating them from you, even if they hate him, he has ultimate control in this situation.
Its a hard fight, but you are fighting for a better life and future for them, and you, being reunited and healing from it.
Have you shared his abusive tactics with GPs, schools, etc, involved with the children?
Take good care of you as much and as often as you can as you keep stepping forwards with this.
warmest wishes
ts
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Hi littlemissgettingthere,
I am so sorry to read about your situation.
Firstly I saw your post before it was moderated so I know the ages of your children. At their ages, social services and other agencies will not be involved. You are also not able to seek orders in relation to their place of residence, nor contact to them. I am sure you have already been informed of this by the DA worker supporting you.
At their ages, they choose what they do but it is not impossible to re establish your relationship. Some ladies on this forum have experience of doing this successfully, but I will be honest and say others have been disappointed.
So, it is entirely a personal decision for you to report your ex to the police. Some ladies do, some dont. If your motivation in reporting is to try to show the children what he is like then this is quite high risk. It may be that they see his behaviour and this works in your favour, but on the other hand possibly, if they already know it and have supported him (for whatever reason – choice/gaslighting) then this may entrench their attitudes, particularly if the police take no action. You should do what is right for you with reporting, but I can see it’s very tricky in your case.
My thoughts are not to try to make them “take sides” or join battle for them with competing versions of events, but to take a deep breath. Tell them you love them and will always be there for them. Tell them how much you miss them and would love to see them but will take it gradually at their pace. Find some common ground with them outside the situation with your ex. In time they hopefully will come round. I agree with the advice about trying to ride it out. It’s so hard and heartbreaking for you, but I think you have to take a long term view here and approach it by reassuring them of your love and support.
One further point, another poster mentioned contacting their educational establishment etc. I would be really careful about this. You know your children but this again is a risk. At their ages this could backfire. Young people that age can find parental involvement with universities etc not helpful. Also over 18,children are adults and professionals generally do not involve/discuss matters about them with parents without the young person’s consent.
I wish you all the best. It’s very hard. Hopefully time will improve relations. I hope you personally have lots of support from professionals and family/friends to help you. -
Thank you so much for this amazing and detailed reply TS. It has reminded to push for support. (Detail removed by moderator).
The worse thing is, they are classified legally as young adults ( removed by moderator) but due to the isolation, they haven’t grown up as average teenagers. They have never had realtionships, socialised as you would expect, or been away from the family setting enough.
(Detail removed by moderator). Thank you again.
xx
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hi again
I do hope you have managed to make some progress with your case and children.
There’s an organisation called the Family Rights Group, they can help support you and your children through their experiences from their step-dad, but also from what you say, and the high risk you have been evaluated at by MARAC, it seems obvious that the children would be at that high risk also, so I hope that you are seeing some resolutions may be coming your/their way.
warmest wishes
ts
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So a great update is that (detail removed by Moderator) on, my son is now contacting me but my daughter completely pretends i don’t exist. I have just had an awful Christmas where my (detail removed by Moderator) year olf didn’t even text apart from telling me to “(detail removed by Moderator).”
Is thid the price we can pay for walking out on D/A?
Should I have stayed???
Thanks
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