Advice on reporting harassment

[Twix]

Ex has moved back into the house (jointly owned) & the harassment has started again. I’m wondering how I report this to police?
First night back he was standing in the dark glaring at me through the door, made me jump, name calling, accusing me of having affair & then locked me out the house momentarily before unlocking it & shouting loudly out the door (detail removed by moderator) Keeps leaving all lights & heating on full, if I turn them off he immediately switches them back on – in the middle of the night!
(detail removed by moderator)
I’m on eggshells, sitting in a separate room or bed, he’s (detail removed by moderator) saying I’ve changed everything round in the house while he was bailed. I’ve changed nothing.
Says he’s going to make next (detail removed by moderator) unbearable & I believe it. Won’t agree to sell house so I’ll have to instruct solicitors & I’ve no savings & don’t qualify for legal aid.
Any advice on reporting this to keep a log of behaviour? Xx

[Lazarus17]

What a nightmare Twix 😞
As far as keeping logs, the only way I could do it safely was to set up another email account (never keeping it logged in!) and id send emails to myself with notes of all the behaviours. Although it may not be enough evidence on it’s own, audio recordings may back it up….
For recordings, I kept my phone in my pocket on record when I knew he was gonna start 😖 (terrifying!)

I’m guessing he’s no longer on bail?

[Twix]

Thanks, been keeping notes on my phone of what’s happened & trying to record when I can, it’s exhausting.
No longer on bail & was supposed to be renting but decided to move back.

[Eggshells]

This sounds horrendous and my honest advice may not be what you want to hear.

Your mental and physical safety are the single most important thing and both are at risk if you remain in the same house as him. I’d recommend that you move out, even if it’s only temporary whilst you apply for an occupation order.

Take your name off all the utility bills as soon as you have left. Tell the utility companies that you’ve left due to domestic abuse and they should take care of everything for you.

Ive never reported to the police so I can’t advise you. Others will be able to help you with this though and I’d recommend getting in touch with the Women’s Aid chat line ASAP.

Sofa surf, move in with friends or family, go to a refuge but do whatever you can to get out. Once you’ve gone and he’s liable for all the bills himself, you might even find that he doesn’t want to stay there himself, especially if he has no-one to terrorise.

If it’s impossible to get out immediately, I’d advise taking videos of everything and recording everything. He is trying to gaslight you and make you fearful – it’s working. Recoding everything will give you a reference point so that you can go back and see what is really happening. I used a digital voice recorder. They look like a memory stick and you can just keep them in a pocket. I used to keep mine on all day but you can get voice activated ones these days which may be better. I also bought a door jam to stop him from getting into my room at night. I’d recommend one. It means you can carry it around with you and effectively lock the door of whichever room you are in.

If he’s threatened to make your life unbearable, you have every justification for taking these steps until one of you is able to leave.

Hopefully someone will be able to answer your question about reporting so that you can do that and get the wheels in motion for an occupation order.

Sending hugs and courage. I’ve been there and I know it’s terrifying. 🫂

[Twix]

Thanks, I’ll take a look at the pocket voice recorder, may be more discrete than my phone.
I don’t want to be bullied out of my home & uproot child (& house cat!) it’s not fair for him to have it all his way but it may well come to that if I can’t stay strong enough, or the disruption to life becomes too much.
I know safeguarding is of the utmost importance, think I’ll try 101.

[Footballfan1]

Ring 101 to report the harassment.
As a way to store evidence, my local police force is trialling an app called Kulpa.
It’s free to download.
You can log events, like a diary.
Upload pictures, videos, voice recordings etc.
There is an option to send the evidence to the police if they request it.
I have been using it and it’s very good.

[Twix]

Thanks lovely, I’ll speak to them & see whether this is available in our area. Hope you’re doing ok x

[Footballfan1]

Even if your police force aren’t using it, it’s still useful to store your evidence just for you.
I was forgetting where everything was in my phone, Kulpa keeps it in one app and each incident has a diary log and the evidence attached to that log.
Stay strong, it must be horrific.
If you report the harassment, there’s a chance the police could get him out of the house for your safety.
Especially when kids are involved.
I can’t believe the police let him back after the bail ended.

[Lazarus17]

Given the circumstances, I think I’d agree with Eggshells – it’s time to go. I lived this too for a while and I have to say, sofa surfing, although inconvenient and not “familiar”, was far more stress free and comfortable (and safer!) than living on tenterhooks!

I started by smuggling out important stuff a little at a time – documents (passport, birth cert, ids etc) and then clothes (pretext of taking stuff to the charity shop!) (I still didn’t have enough, as it goes, but I did utilise the charity shops anyway!)

If you have a support worker from Women’s Aid, ask for help in finding emergency accommodation- I think I read somewhere else on the forum that if you’re leaving a dv situation, then local authorities can class you as homeless? (Although I stand to be corrected!)

And apply for an occupation order (hand in hand with a non molestation order).

A good solicitor should tell you how much it’ll cost, and may even set up a payment plan if you don’t qualify for legal aid. Or contact the NCDV – they helped with mine and advised re: legal aid.

Whatever you do, stay safe x

[Footballfan1]

Also, you can apply for a non-molestation and occupation order for free yourself.
You get the forms online, fill them in and submit to your local family court.
If you do go ahead, ask for it to be without notice due to fearing for yours and your child’s safety.

[Footballfan1]

If you have family or friends nearby, you can also download an app called the Hollie app.
It is free and you put contact details of people into it, if you are in danger, you shake your phone and alerts go to those stored as contacts.
It automatically sends a GPS location of where you are.
You can also add sirens and flashing lights as a deterrent.

[Marmalade]

Hi Twix,
I had a look back at your previous posts and your ex’s psychiatric history and his refusal to re engage with mental health services now when he is becoming psychotic. This is a very dangerous time for you as his psychotic jealousy will be triggered further by losing you and the divorce and I think you need to take action now.
You won’t like my advice but I firmly believe you need to get you and child out at least temporarily. Is there a relative or friend who can take you? A refuge is also an option but they probably won’t take your pet.
See a solicitor about the chances of getting an occupation order. Some solicitors offer a free first 30 minutes consultation. You can also speak to Rights of Women helpline. They are only open certain hours and very busy but it is worth trying. You probably have enough evidence for a non molestation order. An occupation order requires serious behaviour or violence but a solicitor can advise you in your circumstances. I am concerned about the effect of your ex’s mental state not only on his likelihood of escalating abuse but also on whether a judge would grant an occupation order against someone who is mentally ill with a history of psychosis. You need legal advice on this.
In divorce proceedings if he refuses to sell the house and there is a order for sale then the judge can sign the paperwork instead of him, but it will take a long time to get to that stage if he refuses to cooperate.
The police can log details of your current complaints, but without evidence, they are likely to say “he says she says” and not take it further.
I would get yourself and your child out. Seek legal advice and try to get orders in place. Good luck.

[Twix]

Wow so much useful advice, I’m eternally grateful to you all for responding. I’ve spoken it through with an officer & need to act now to instruct my solicitor. I’ve got a vulnerability marker on the house & going to look into non molestation order & downloading these apps. I’m going to be very careful to ensure our safety is a priority throughout this next phase & I’ve taken my legal documents out of the house in case they suddenly go missing.
Hoping for the best in what’s become a very hard situation.
Thank you all again, I’m sure I’ll be back x

[Footballfan1]

Well done Twix,

You are staying strong and reaching out for support.
We are all here for you.
Stay safe and be careful.
I too could not bring myself to leave the family home.
Maybe I was too stubborn, or foolish I don’t know.
But in the long run, it is I and my children who have stayed put and ex was made to leave.
Our home is a part of us, it is not just an asset .
It was part of me, I couldn’t bring myself to leave even though I fantasised about it .
I’m not saying women shouldn’t leave , far from it.
I think it takes a certain bravery to leave your home behind, I will always admire those who took that plunge xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Twix

I totally understand where you are coming from when you say that you don’t want to be bullied out your home & uproot Your child and cat. I agree that it is not fair for him to have it all his way. The fact is, you are being bullied in your own home. This will be affecting both your child and your cat as well as you. I went through months of this and I was at the point of suicide (counting out pills) before I realised I had to do what others were saying and get out.

Please don’t enter into this battle with him; you cannot win it. You will end up leaving sooner or later. Please don’t leave it until you are broken. It’s not about being strong enough. It’s about your quality of life now and your safety.

Leaving feels horrible, it’s unfair and unreasonable. You are not dealing with a fair and reasonable man. Eventually you will come to a place where non of it matters anymore, you just appreciate that you are free and safe.

There are foster careers who will look after your cat for a while. Local vets and your animal rescue shelters as well as some dedicated charities can help you with this.

Please do think about it. I know it seems horrendous now but once you’ve made the leap, you might be surprised at how much better it is to be out.

[Watersprite]

Safety first twix – that’s all that matters here. Take care xx

[Mrsbluesky99]

Safety first and paramount. Please leave you can deal with house pets etc from afar you don’t need to be there to do it. Your and your child’s safety is all that matters right now in this instance … I know it’ll be emotionally gut wrenching to up and leave your home belongings etc but you do not want to become another statistic and your child needs you here physically and emotionally well … I think you know what you have to do. All The Best.

[Author]

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