Advice please

[Winterblues2]

Hi,

I haven’t posted in a while as things had been ok. I’ve been out a few years but recently the non mol ended and I’m receiving streams of emails regarding kids and divorce etc. I can’t help but feel compelled to reply. Each of his emails really effects me, either by making me feel that we will be able to co parent effectively and that I was stupid to think otherwise or by infuriating me with demands and threats of court.

I’m aware that this is the cycle of abuse starting back up again and am getting really frustrated with myself for bein effected so much.

Any advice?

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi winter blues, I’m not sure that there will ever come a time when contact with the ex won’t affect me, so I ignore 99% of it and answer only absolutely necessary ones with the least words possible. I would say get a solicitor to deal with divorce etc and prevent all direct contact. It really is the only answer. You owe him nothing. Its typical that the minute he thinks he can get away with it he starts again. They can’t help themselves. You can never achieve anything effectively with an abuser so give yourself a break and keep him at a distance. If you give him an inch he’ll take a mile x*x

[Winterblues2]

My solicitor had been dealing with him for (detail removed by Moderator) on my behalf but in order to keep my house I have had to stop using her. He would email her several times a day, each one apparently requiring a reply meaning I reached a huge amount of legal fees.

The other issue I have is that (detail removed by Moderator) and said it’s in the best interests of the kids, so I really don’t want to look like I’m being difficult.

His name is still on the mortgage so it’s in my interest to resolve matters asap so he can no longer come in the house. X

[Suntree]

Can you ask for another non molestation showing what has happened since the last one ran out and the stress it is causing you.
This is important to stop him entering in the house.
You can get something called a occupation order.

Get your boundaries in place. Boundaries are good for the kids, someone poping in and out of their lives as and when they see fit is not.

Think about what you want for the kids, will it be contact every other weekend? Overnights, mid week contact, contact to take the kids to their clubs and have tea, holiday time. What is right for them? Would it be better for him to pick them up from school and then take them back to school the next day or after the weekend?

Is there a 3rd party where you can have handover rather than him coming to the house?

Start those conversations.

keep records diaries of every contact you have with him and everything he ignores.

Is there a third party that you could use to help with reading and replies?

I found putting emails and any dealings as a business format worked. It was looked at strangely at first by the legal team until the context of all the emails was looked at. Then it was deemed to be a very good way of communicating.

For example I would let him know I would be only checking my emails once a day and would reply when I could. I had a rule I would take the name of the top of the address bar, reply with the email then save it in drafts, leave it or forward it to my parents to look at and then only send it later.

He took me to court, what that did was put in place a structure I could refer back to. Then when he took me to court again I could show what was really happening and not the very plausible lies he had told them.

The court structure gave me something to use to help keep boundaries as he seems to think they don’t apply to him.

If I needed to tell him something or a rely to an email I would put when I would need it by on the end of a email i.e reply needed within 10 days and what would happen if I didn’t get a reply. i.e if no reply I will assume you agree to the above.

I opened another email account for all the nice emails that he has no contact with.

The phone I used blocking after a certain time only certain numbers could get me. That way I didn’t get the texts which put unreasonable demands in the middle of the night. ie I am pick x up after y today. If I got a text like that then I would refuse with the not enough notice and offer something else.
Or I can’t have the kids today, this was harder for him to do as the pick was through a school in the main, but even that stopped in the end.

I don’t know if court made it worse or better, or prolonged the amount of time he spent with causing more damage as they are older. Or if the court has helped stop the abuse. But that was the path he took me down because he thought he would get what he wanted. It was not for the sake of the kids

[KIP.]

Hi winter blues, I’ve personal messaged you but Suntree has helped me tremendously. Three times my ex has taken me to court. I didn’t see the pattern until I read suntree post. The business approach is a great idea too. (detail removed by Moderator) He has absolutely no respect for the courts or what they tell him. It’s infuriating. He makes a mockery out of the system.

[Winterblues2]

We resolved contact in court and my non mol was reviewed and dismissed.

Will try the business approach, just struggling not to get caught back up

[Author]

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