Advice please, is it me?

[Runner00]

Hi,

I have joined this forum after seeking advice from the online chat.
I have been married for (detail removed by Moderator) years, and with my other half for just over (detail removed by Moderator). We have always argued and I guess we both have a temper, however we always seemed to work it out.

Just after we got married there was an occasion where my husband was drunk and we had an argument and he put his hands round me and threw me onto the back of the sofa. After this happened I instantly felt different, he told me that I had driven him too it by winding him up.
Fast forward (detail removed by Moderator), no violence to me has occurred since then. (It had happened when he was drunk before we got married).
We started to grow apart and become independent, something he always said I wasn’t. He often said I was too needy. It began to be a problem and as he said to me (detail removed by Moderator) he feels like he lives 2 separate lives.
Throughout our relationship he has often said he wishes he never got married to me and only did it because it was too late to back out.
When wound up he has started to hit things, or hang his head against the wall or damage belongings.
There is often a comment of the fact the house is more his as his parents put in money for the deposit.
I lost my dad (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and I did have some inheritance from him which I have used to do up the house but he says it’s nothing in comparison.
Recently my husband has said he wants a divorce, he doesn’t love me anymore and he doesn’t like me.
Throughout our relationship he gives me funny looks or comments quietly if I say something he doesn’t like to the people we are with.
He often tells me I am aggressive and cold and that I have no friends and no wonder no one likes me.
There is a girl at work who isn’t very nice to me, and he says it is my fault.
He says he enjoys his work, and he finds when he comes home that I am miserable and ruin his day. He says I don’t respect him and at work he gets respect.
These things happen and we do argue and now
I leave the house and go to my mums as I find I don’t want it to get any worse than it already has.
He calls me a psycho and says I need professional help. He says he feels depressed and he says it is my fault he feels that way as nothing else is an issue.
He says he feels a shell of a person.
He has told me he will not move out of our house.
He also often says these things then starts to act normal, will say he wants to be with me just without the arguing. And that he wants me to change.

I know when he first hit me I should have left, (detail removed by Moderator) years ago but I didn’t have any self esteem then. He called me fat and I believed him. He said no one likes me and recently he told me his friends have told him they all don’t like me or they think I am intimidating.
I work in (detail removed by Moderator), and although I have always been either training or in the job he has always had an issue with my shifts – for example complaining he has to be quiet if im
Sleeping between night shifts.
Saying my shift times are terrible when actually I love my job and I love working out of hours.
I have been away from home since (detail removed by Moderator), where we’d been arguing for (detail removed by Moderator) and on (detail removed by Moderator) we argued, decided we weren’t going for a meal anymore, he said he’d cancel the table. And then after (detail removed by Moderator) came back to ask me why I wasn’t ready to go.
After this I told him im going away and I’ll be back (detail removed by Moderator) and not to talk to me. Well he didn’t even call once to ask how I am and I didn’t ask him either. Until (detail removed by Moderator) where he has been texting me pictures of our pet and asking when im coming home.

My husband says we are not getting any younger and is really pushing me to have children but I really do not feel I could bring a child in to this. We have a lovely house, and he often says to me we have everything.
However he then tells me he cannot remember the last time he was happy ( he said that in (detail removed by Moderator))
I’m stuck because I feel like this is all my fault, and I am starting to question myself all the time. I feel it is affecting me daily.

I didn’t used to stick up for myself, but now
I find myself sticking up for myself more and more as I don’t agree with what I am being told about myself.

If it was to be over, I would have to leave as my husband doesn’t seem to want to make the decision. He will tell me it’s over, only to then make a joke and say he didn’t mean it. Or he will start talking about our pet. When he said he didn’t love me, I told him I don’t think I love him anymore. But I wasn’t sure.
He says he loves me but he doesn’t love the arguments and the way I am.

My mum is very supportive since I have told her all of this and I am very lucky. He refuses to speak to anyone about it, which is his choice.
I asked him (detail removed by Moderator) if he would try Relate and he said no as he said we wouldn’t get anything out of it.
Sorry this is all a ramble, there is so much to say but it’s difficult to write it all down. I know there are people that suffer with physical violence all the time and I feel as if it isn’t my place to reach out. But I feel I don’t know where to turn anymore. I’m so lost.

Thank you for hopefully taking the time to read this.

[Hawthorn]

Hi Runner00,
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. You could be telling my story. Your husband sounds just like mine. Mine was also a fan of blaming me for everything, telling me how awful i was, how dreadful I made him feel, how I was selfish, I was lazy, could do nothing right, was cold and unaffectionate …he would also then go back to behaving as though everything was normal afterwards. It’s abuse and crazy making behaviour.

Mine wasn’t physically violent either…until he was. No man hits his partner…until he does. Its great that you’re seeing through the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) of abuse and seeing that what he’s telling you about yourself isn’t true, but please know that standing up to him is both pointless and potentially dangerous. If you really reflect on his behaviour can you honestly say you believe he will listen to your perspective?

Rather than wasting your precious energy on trying to reason with an unreasonable person, turn the focus on yourself. Knowledge is power. Notice his behaviours, and ideally keep a diary to keep track. We minimise and blank out so much. Google the cycle of abuse, the power and control wheel and cognitive dissonance. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is available to read for free online and I can’t recommend it highly enough. Please read that book. It got me out of my miserable abusive marriage.

I would forget about Relate. Marriage counselling is absolutely not recommended in relationships where there is abuse. Too few therapists are educated about it and can be manipulated by the abuser, also the victim may disclose information that the abuser later uses against them. By all means pursue counselling, but go for yourself, as an individual, not together with your partner.

It sounds as though this relationship is unsurprisingly making you miserable. Being unhappy is more than a good enough reason to end a relationship, but when there is abuse we feel trapped. Reach out for support, here and closer home; your friends, family, perhaps work colleagues or GP and of course women’s Aid.

Sending love and strength. This is alot to process so keep in touch. We are all here for you x*x

[Hawthorn]

Also; physical violence often only happens once in abusive and coercive controlling relationships. Once might be all it takes to instil the fear the abuser needs to dominate and control his partner. I had a temper too…but I wasn’t long in learning where fighting back and arguing got me. That he was drunk when he assaulted you is no excuse. Abusers chose their behaviour. Does he say all those horrible things to you in public or is it when you’re alone? Know that even though he may appear out of control he is very much in control of himself.

[Shocknawe]

Dear Runner00. I’m going to say it like I see it: your husband is an abuser and he is manipulative. If he really is so unhappy with you – why doesn’t he leave? He is feeding his twisted personality with your pain and confusion, that’s why. There is always a pattern of abuse which includes verbal abuse, victimisation, breaking of property and carried on to physical abuse if you stay long enough. It is not you, he is a textbook abuser. Wishing you strength and clarity. x

[Author]

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