Advice re children and custody

[bunsandcakes]

Hi guys. I left some months back and one of my children has recently seen his Dad yell at me over the phone again and is now refusing to stay with him. The father is now furious at me and says I am poisoning our son against him etc. This has gone on for some time and I thought my son might get over it and feel ready to try again but he refuses to go. He has major seperation anxiety when away from me. My ex is now saying he wont have my son at all unless he stays nights! I think that will be the final straw and I will then simply have to stop all access to the children because I cant have him take one child for 2 night a week and refuse to see the other.. its just plain wrong. I am trying to get back in touch with early help but does anyone have any advice or point me at anything I can try? I am about to send a solicitor letter with a final offer of terms or we will go to court so its all coming to a head and I dont want the kids to be around him when he is unable to control his temper. He has never harmed the kids, just been abusive to me in front of them which is obviously damaging in itself. Thank you

[EeyoreNoMore]

Might be worth speaking to your GP about the anxiety – at least then it is officially on record.

Stand strong and keep fighting for what you believe is right for your child xx

[Confused123]

HI Hun

IM not sure the age of your children, mine were teenagers and went through stages like this, ex too made commentw that i was poisining the kids against him, i just told him thats not me and its up to him if he believes it or not, AS for your child not wanting to go, i wouldnt force or pressure him, the children are adapting too , i went through stages where they both went together, took turns as neither of them wanted to go, we have the last year been on zero contact, just give kids stability by saying x days will be set for contact with dad and if they dont want to go to give u advance notice as possible so he can be notified

[Suntree]

That is his choice not to see them don’t feel guilty into giving in to what he wants at the sake of your son’s health.
Make sure you log that and that your son doesn’t want to go, the stress, his behavour, how the kids are and how it affects them.

try and get therapy for your son if you can.

Make sure you diary every conversation the tone and what was said, that includes if he promises them anything nice or what they wish for and you can’t give.

Don’t get sucked into arguments, get everything in writing, be business like and calm when dealing with the ex.

I know when mine went to court he changed to the “loving” father and promised them the world if they agreed to what he wanted. They kept their side because they were too young to understand he however didn’t keep his side. Decision, joint custody, my words fell on deaf ears.

Forced to send them when they were in tears. He didn’t always turn up for the only contact arrangement that wasn’t through a 3rd party or he would tell me if I couldn’t have them back at x time then he couldn’t have them at all. But always when this was without someone watching on the bits that were to be arranged between us… ie holidays.

Back to court so he didn’t have to have them as often (I was getting back on my feet, using this time to get me stable for the kids so I could help them when they were with me, refusing to jump to his tune and sticking to the order where I could. He didn’t like that or that they were interfering with his life and no-longer the ego boost and woman magnet).
He tried to tell court that I was causing all of the issues between him and the kids, that I was the problem and that was the reason he wanted less time with them because I was making things too difficult for him to be a parent (I kid you not). I showed the paper trial. it was his “story” against my evidence and he did shoot himself in the foot.

Each time he got what he wanted in court and the only people the court can punish is the ones who want to see the children or keep them safe.

Then he wanted to change the whole thing after we stepped out of court again and threatened me with the if I don’t comply to his demands he wouldn’t see the kids.
this time he knew that there was no punishment for him, but thought there would be for me for refusing his demands. I flexed a bit it didn’t work, I said we stick to the court plan but was prepared to flex within that, he didn’t like it then without warning he stopped seeing them. But he did make sure he blamed kids for him not seeing them before he disappeared. (he is truly evil)

He would promise them the world and deliver none of it with plausible excuses of why not. Then once every so often he would give them what they wanted to keep them off balance and always in hope. So they would go to him excited and come back broken.

Since he left we are dealing with the pain of abandonment issues, but we can deal with that. Unfortunately this person decides once in a blue moon to pop his head up and say what a victim he is. This damages the kids so much it is beyond cruel.

This time he was pulled up for his behavour by my solicitor and he chose to disappear again.

I hope this time it is for good because like women’s aid say with an abusive partner there should be no contact for a reason. I believe for children it should also be the rule. Unfortunately it seems at the moment to me that the people who can call all the shots are the abusive fathers 🙁

[bunsandcakes]

Thanks for your feedback ladies. I have sought advice and councilling for my son and this week he said he wants to stay at his Dad’s next week but I think he just said that because his dad will have emotionally blackmailed him with ‘dont you love daddy etc’. Its all very uphill at the moment (detail removed by moderator).

[Serenity]

Sending you support, Buns and Cakes,

My youngest is very up and down at the moment too. I am sure he’s hiding a lot of anxiety about his dad.

We need to take one day at a time x

[unicornsarelovely]

Hugs to you all!!

My darling daughter isn’t wanting to see her dad either. She is scared of him turning up unannounced and “kicking off at me”. She doesn’t like his partner because when she stayed at his house his partner would argue with her dad over petty things and slam doors making my daughter feel unsafe. My daughter is too scared to tell her dad this and I can’t say anything as he already blames me for him not seeing her and will just kick off at me. He’s very passive aggressive and manipulative. Whenever he’s spoken about our daughter he will always make a point of saying “my daughter”. I know from my daughter that he’s bad mouthed me and called me a bad mother, which is very upsetting for her and makes me feel angry as I always regardless of his behaviour tell her that her dad loves her and if ever she wanted to see him I would arrange it to suit her, she’s (detail removed by moderator) so knows her own mind. My daughter had refused to go to (removed by moderator) with him and his partner, so I just think no child will refuse that without good reason.

My daughter has had a mobile ever since he left so that he could contact her without my involvement he very rarely contacts her and expects her to contact him. This upsets her as she wants contact but she doesn’t want to spend time with him at his house. The problem is if I did arrange for him to see her, he would push for more and put her on the spot, leaving my daughter feeling torn between us and scared of what he’s going to say or do. It’s heart breaking, I want my daughter to have the nice loving relationship I had with my dad, but that’s not going to happen and when I’ve tried telling him he’s got defensive and turned it around on me.

Why do they do this to beautiful innocent children!!!

[Confused123]

Its so sad that they choose to behave like this and this poor children have to go through this, just sending hugs to u ladies and luck in setting boundaries

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