Advise needed

[Meow123]

So been with husband for (detail removed by moderator). I ignored alot of red flags for years like making me cancel a girls trip, getting drunk and name calling etc and becoming a mum has made me see things differently, I want my son to grow up to respect women, which my husband doesn’t. I feel hes a misogynist but when i said this to him once he actually laughed at me and said I’d ‘learnt a new word’ which was not the case, I’d just never said to him before. He had said i over react because im a woman, which is why I said he was being misogynistic. He gaslights me constantly to the point i have lost all confidence in my own thoughts, feelings and voice. He can flat out deny saying things he has said, or twist them or change them. Any time I try and bring things up he manages to change the argument to something completely different and everything ends up being my fault and I end up feeling confused and cant even remember what i needed to say. He drinks excessively and is getting us into debt, but wont accept its an issue and just brings up other issues to deflect, (detail removed by moderator) He shouts at me in front of our son all the time when I ask him not to, (detail removed by moderator) He regularly puts me down and makes me feel like rubbish, says I don’t do any housework when I literally do it every single day, he says he’s the only one that does any cleaning but it is not true at all. (detail removed by moderator) he constantly criticises my parenting, but honestly being a mum is the first thing ive ever been good at. I know he wont change, he thinks our marriage is normal because both our parents fought alot but i want better than that for my son, he desrves to grow up in a happy home. He looks back at his parents and says he wishes his mum had kept her mouth shut not that his dad could control his temper so the sexism is deeply rooted. He slaps my a*s and gropes me whenever he wants despite me saying I don’t like it, says he won’t stop and its him being nice.
I’ve gotten myself in too deep, married, kid, pets and a house and should have left him at the first red flag years ago. Only good thing is my pets and my son.
Living with him is becoming unbearable but I feel trapped and cant see a way out. The debt is out of hand and I cant afford a place on my own and the wait list for social housing is years long so I’m stuck here. I cant afford to leave and have nowhere to go. Am I overreacting and should just shut up and stay? I feel defeated and miserable and am fed up with being sad in front of my son all the time.

[Intr0vert]

I am so sorry you are going through this. No, you are not overreacting. He is abusive. Does your husband own your home? I would start documenting all of the abuse where possible. Reach out to a womens charity like Woman’s Trust and see what advice they could give you leaving an abusive marriage. I am sure there are resources out there. I just don’t know it well enough to pass it onto you here. By no means should you ever feel trapped to stay with a man who abuses you daily. Sending you lots of hugs x

[Meow123]

Thank you for your reply, i really appreciate it. Its nice to hear from someone who doesnt know us and that I’m not imagining all this. We own the house jointly which means if i left id get no financial help which is one main reason im stuck. Id not get housing either so nowhere to go.

[minimeerkat]

its upsetting to feel you cannot see a way out – i couldnt, especially with being unable to work because of my physical & mental health problems. i felt trapped, stuck & in hell
and although i was miraculously able to keep my home considering my financial situation, i didnt have a child. so am wondering whether this could make quite a difference for you – perhaps the women on here with families know more about this & are able to help?
also, i think you are considered more of a priority with housing when abuse is involved if you actually had to leave the marital home
and if you did have to leave, whilst awaiting any housing are there no family members for example that could help temporarily at all
i do know that you are able to get your partner out if he is abusive. and that you are entitled to half the value of the property – if your property is below a certain amount you could apply for legal aid to help with all the legal costs involved
there may just be some things that you could look into further before giving up completely x

[Lostnalone]

Meow23. Your story I can relate with!! I’ve recently got out luv. My son went through it with me for almost 2 decades. I left because if I hadn’t I do believe in 12 mths I wouldn’t be here!! I wud literally shake when he spoke as my body and mind cudnt take anymore!! There’s alot of help out there,esp with u having a child. I weighed up what was worth more!! Starting again with nothing including my home,my job or money or finding peace for my mind!! I’m far from having a peaceful mind however the daily abuse is over!! Your right regard social housing even as Priority there’s stil a lengthy wait. Make a plan and speak to everyone u can seriously there’s some wonderful people out there to help. My son is my best friend and we r strong together. Don’t put up and shut up u deserve better for yourself and your son. Xxxx

[Author]

Posts