Advise please

[nbumblebee]

Im not sure how many of you are here in a sunday but i need some advice on what to do in the morning.

Not only do i have a narc husband but now it seems i have a friend someone who is supposed to be supporting me showing signs too. My counsellor says he is text book. Ive done some very stupid things to make this guy like me.

Anyway he ulset me and i stupidly put something small on social media no names no nastyness nobody else would know but us but i needed to prove a point he had made that was wrong anyway i was stupid but his reaction was huge the nastyness the vile comments he went on and on and left me sobbing for days. My councellor who i emailed the messages too said he was vile and was manipulating me. Anyway we belong to a group and are due to do something i love. Do i go? Do i hold my head up and show him he wont break me that he was wrong not me or do i stay home protect myself from anymore hurt.

Thank you x*x

 

[minimeerkat]

i suppose if you can go through any & every worse case scenario in your head & then visualize yourself being able to actually cope with this – thats if you felt determined to show this person that his behaviour hasnt affected you.  it all depends upon how strong you are feeling in yourself & whether any anger you might be feeling can fuel that strength

you know sometimes we naturally look for anything bad that will happen to us in situations as our priority is to keep ourselves ‘safe’.  but i wonder if the type of person who has upset you is more cowardly than you think & maybe content with causing you pain privately – and if so then this person wouldnt have the courage to hurt you when his behaviour will be visible to others.  so theres a good chance you could still be safe to go x

 

[nbumblebee]

Yes minimeekat yes thank you so much. I need to show him i need to hold my head high. Thank you so so so much x*x

[Bananaboat]

Do you want to carry on going to the group? If the answer is yes then go! Remember these people are bullies, don’t let them win. Just focus on talking to others and set a clear boundary you’re not engaging today. Sadly you know how they play their games better than most so think what do YOU want and do that x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you BB i do really want to go and keep telling myself i did nothing wrong it was his reaction not mine. Im so nervous this morning. At some point I have to stand up to these men and fight for myself to rid myself of the constant pull of men lkke this. Staying away will make me feel like i am wrong going will make him see im not going to cower into submission. Thank you for helping me see xxxxx

[nbumblebee]

So I went and he totally ignored me went around talking to everyone else but nit a word to me. I feel pants I really do and I am finding it really hard to not message him ask if we are ok i hate bad feeling but i have to keep reminding myself that he did this not me but its so so hard to not want/need him to be ok with me.

[minimeerkat]

you did really well to go & hold your head up high but i can imagine how deeply uncomfortable it made you feel being ignored.  hopefully you can see though that this is a way of punishing you & wanting you to react – he will know exactly what this is doing to you.  it takes such strength not to play their game.  if you think about it if this person was sincere & cared about you he would not have caused you pain in the first place & certainly wouldnt have been nasty because you stood up for yourself – where was any apology.  its as if he feels entitled to say or do such hurtful things to you.  all this person seems to care about is being able to control & manipulate your feelings whenever he feels like it.  i hope you can stay strong nbumblebee because this person really isnt a safe reliable or genuine friend at all x

[Cat24]

I know it’s difficult but he’s using tactics to wear you down and it would protect you to ignore him now . He has shown you his true self and your safety and happiness is worth more than his psychological games etc.

[Bananaboat]

Well done!!!

he’s fishing, he wants you to contact him with a message, so don’t bite. If he cares about your friendship he can ask if you’re ok or anything is wrong can’t he (although beware as that would also hook you back in).

[Author]

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