Affects on you from mental abuse

[Pinkflower]

I have I have posted a few times on this forum and I find it very helpful. I am finally in contact with my local womens aid service after I decided that I had reached rock bottom and I needed support. I was emotionally and mentally abused for a number of years by my ex partner. We had been together since I was a teenager and I never really noticed it or should I say I never really understood what was happening or how I felt until a couple of years ago. The abuse started off subtle but progressed and got worse over the years. Now I can finally say that I feel like it was mental torture. I walked on eggshells constantly, I changed myself to suit him so that he wouldn’t get annoyed or have anything to complain about. Anyways I decided to leave the relationship sometime ago as we have children together and I wanted what was best for them and I was doing so well and he sucked me back in. However, during this time together I found out a lot of things that he had lied about our entire relationship that really hurt me and I felt like our entire relationship was a lie. I proceeded to tell him we would not be getting back together and that I could not forgive him.

Anyways the last few weeks we had some arguments that got out of control and I just wanted to know if anyone else felt the same or had reacted the same? During a few arguments I snapped and I pushed my ex, and I chucked his stuff at him etc and I said some awful things. I know this is not the right way to respond and I feel so awful that I actually hate who I have become because that isn’t me, but I honestly feel crazy. He lies about stuff that he has done and tells me I am crazy and that it never happened and he throws things in my face what he has done and I just snapped. The abuse has really affected me but when we are apart I am fine and I feel fine. I just feel awful like I am an abuser and it’s killing me. x

[KIP.]

You are not an abuser. Abusers don’t feel guilt or come on forums like this. An abuser will push us to do things we normally wouldn’t do, then use these things to torment us with. The only way to deal with an abuser is absolutely zero contact. Use a third party for contact and hand overs. Abusers are toxic. They know our weaknesses and intimate secrets because we tell them thinking they will be sympathetic but they store those weaknesses to use against us. No experience is wasted if we learn from them so learn that he is toxic, that you become someone you don’t like when he’s around. Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t feel guilty. Start by blocking him on everything and ask a friend or family member to act as a go between x

[ffhoneday]

It isn’t you, I know it’s so hard to believe when you’ve spent years being told that by your abuser but it isn’t. I think we are given a stereotype of what an abused woman looks like by society in the same way we are an abuser (abuser=huge man getting drunk and being physically violent, victim=cowering woman trembling and not able to function) in reality this so far from most peoples experience.

It sounds like you were pushed and pushed and you fought back. I tried this too towards the end, almost like maybe the problem is me, I don’t stand up for myself. It was of course just used against me and it wasn’t the right thing as it’s not my values or way of being the world and I was pushed to it, like you have been.

I strongly agree with the post above, as little contact as possible, very soon you will be back in touch with your true self and you will realise how lost you’ve been.

Good luck, once you work through the shock at the lies and grief for what you’ve put up with you will find yourself again, you will be a brilliant mum and you will be you
x

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