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Recently, I have managed to flee my domestically abusive household after being kicked out back and forth, not to forget, I plan to never go back.
Despite the massive progress I have done to take all of my stuff discreetly, store it, avoid contact with perpetrators and reach out to/rely on people I consider safe/supportive, I am yet to fully limit the amount of access my perpetrators have on me- including changing details, such as bank cards, provisional license etc.
I am struggling to make a list of details/items I would have to change around my day to day life, because at the moment, I am temporarily living with friends and am unsure if I can place their address considering I am not an actual “Tenant” in their flat. I have been scared to reach out to social services let alone the police because I really do not want to have to open a case, get them in trouble or rely on the government to offer support, considering that council housing is often complicated and can take up to 10 years to actually receive.
Could someone help me out here to clarify how or what I need to change, as well as provide insight on who to turn to for this support?
Thank you for reading this.
Reminder to all that are choosing themselves after too much has been tolerated or endured:
Live. allow yourself to breathe for a minute without thinking 10 miles ahead.
It is valid for you to WANT to be weak and vulnerable despite everyone around you complimenting or reaffirming that you are “so strong” and “You can endure it”; These circumstances should not be the reason why we are perceived that way. We NEED rest, not more reasons to keep going.
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Well done for leaving and not wanting to go back, ever.
Our local library offers to give their address a personal address for the bank, children’s school and other stuff. Maybe that’s something you could look into?
They don’t all do that, but worth checking out.Also, I definitely would contact social services. I’ve met the social worker (and I’ve written a post asking for positive experiences about that, I’ll update it btw)
She has been really helpful so far and is there to help. I met her in a neutral place , and won’t contact the perpetrator. So you arrange to meet up in a cafe, or other safe place of your choosing. It doesn’t have to involve the friends who are helping you out.
Hope you get more answers for your to do list.
Stay safe xx
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Hi Valkyriewhiteribbon,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting. I hope that you find this to be a safe place to share support with other women who understand.
Most banks, and other big organisations, government departments, etc. will have some familiarity with domestic abuse and may have special policies around this. It’s worth giving them a call so you can speak to someone about the best way to keep you safe while making sure your details are accurate. If you need to redirect your post from your old address, Royal Mail provide “Sensitive Redirection” which has additional safeguarding. You need to call and speak with them to set this up.
It can be overwhelming trying to manage everything, so some specialist support may be helpful for you. You could get in touch with your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support and safety planning. You could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
(Forum Moderator) -
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I still have some financial links to my abuser. Banks etc are aware, they know not to pass on my details to my abuser.
There’s such a lot going on for you so look after yourself very well and continue to post here in this lovely community x -
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Hi
Well done for getting out.
If you want to fly beneath your abuser’s radar, here are some suggestions that might help.
Change your name by enrolled deed poll.
Change your name on or get new bank accounts.
Change your passport.
Change your drivers licence.
Change your address on your log book (if you have a car).
Apply to register to vote anonymously.
Change your email address.
Change your phone number (online sites offer a tracing service using your mobile number – they look to see which cell your phone has pinged).
Delete your social media accounts. Dont open any new ones that make links through mutual friends or locations. If you do open any social media accounts lock them down to friends only.
Be very circumspect about who you share your new ID / addresses with. I found snakes in the grass.It sounds like alot but it’s not difficult. The hardest part for me was changing my name because I dont know what to change it too. My maiden name is too obvious for him to find me.
Wishing you the best xx
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This is incredibly resourceful and straightforward to read, so I feel a lot less overwhelmed, thank you for taking the time to write this- and yeah…
It hurts so much knowing that for a lot of my family members, I cannot communicate or have to limit so much information which I want to share with them about myself, because they do not understand and would rather be in blissful ignorance to the abuse I had endured with the people I survived around. They would relay information or go straight to the source just to “prove” to themselves that they are not as “monstrous/Villainous” as I deem them to be, being unaware to their manipulation or victim blaming techniques.
I want to live in peace, hence why I do not bother to even speak with them anymore- I have tried to reach out to them for support, but I would be judged, neglected or underwhelmed whenever I would get hurt, physically or psychologically by them.
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