Ain’t the brain a funny thing!

[Lazarus17]

I got out a few years ago (although have been stalked since). But on bad/sad days my brain seems to only want to remember the nice things, the compliments, the feeling of being protected. And I have to make a real effort (exhausting!) to remind myself that for every nice thing, there were many more not nice. For every compliment, there were many more insults. For every time I felt protected, there were more that I was terrified of him.

So in order to see the whole picture I have to relive trauma. It’s just not fair! Gawd I wish I could turn the clock back – I’d make better memories for sure!

[terribleheadspace]

Heya
I’m still in my relationship but I get this. I dont understand why I can feel so protected by them? Yet when I reflect on the behaviour truly scared.
I’m going through a nice phase at the moment, the controlling behaviour is still there just very very subtle.
It makes me think like I am going crazy. I dont get how I can feel so connected to someone who treats me this way. Emotionally, physically I’ve never been like this… wanted something to work out so much.
I just want to wave a magic wand and get rid of that behaviour, then I would tell you he is my person.

He makes it so realistic, in the moment I believe him, I want to believe him with all my heart how much he loves me… but with what he has said to me I dont think I should give in to that.

I dont know how he can make me feel so amazing, he makes me feel human, that just as I am I am his person… but then, so many actions prove otherwise, opposites.

I guess I should take notes of actions, not words. It’s very easy to say nice things to someone, but if actions show no respect, control, gaslighting…. that isnt love is it.

Why does he have to do this. Hurts so much.

Speaks volumes to me I guess, that you can still feel that way even after you have left. How do they do this. Why? What do they have to gain? I just dont understand and I guess part of healing will be recognising that we will never understand, because we dont have that mindset.

I think a revelation to me though in regards to feeling protected is that I did see this angry person at the beginning, but with me he was soft, with me he was open, I thought well, he’s angry but towards the outside world, he will fight fiercely for those he cares about… he will be protective but that’s ok… doesnt turn out that way though does it.

Sorry a lot of rambling.

[older lady]

I think people do this in bereavement, too. They mourn the good things and wish they’d done things differently. You’ve experienced trauma in a relationship and now grief for all kinds of loss. Gentle movement or activity, I try yoga and walking, and grounding exercises can bring your focus back to now, reassuring yourself that you’re safe in the present moment. You can move on and have nice things again, without abuse.

[Lazarus17]

Oh, terribleheadspace, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re still in and still experiencing the highs and lows. But I am glad you’re here – if for no other reason than you recognise is simply isn’t “normal” or acceptable behaviour. Please, don’t make the mistake I did – I stayed far too long, just craving the “good”. What a waste of what should have been the best time of my life 🙁 Interestly, I think my “push” came when I realised that I spent more days crying than smiling.

Emotionally, physically I’ve never been like this… wanted something to work out so much.
I just want to wave a magic wand and get rid of that behaviour, then I would tell you he is my person.

Snap, snap and snap! I could’ve written this!

How do they do this. Why? What do they have to gain?

I guess because they can. It’s control. It makes them feel better? Ah, I dunno. Because the only person they truly care about is themselves.

I think a revelation to me though in regards to feeling protected is that I did see this angry person at the beginning, but with me he was soft, with me he was open, I thought well, he’s angry but towards the outside world, he will fight fiercely for those he cares about… he will be protective but that’s ok… doesnt turn out that way though does it.

Again, snap! But I wish I’d seen it for the huge red flag it is – I think it’s a trick, a ruse. Cos by the time you see that anger for what it is, you’re hooked. Then that anger is used (and the cycle of abuse) to keep you in.

Oh, and you’re not rambling – it all makes perfect sense, even if I don’t!

[older lady]

Just to add, I currently have started counselling, and I’m realizing about the effects of trauma. I didn’t know that what was happening in my head was something people knew of as a traumatic response to an adverse event. Then this is compounded by further adverse events over time.
It’s an awful lot to recover from. I’m just realizing I’m only beginning. Hope there’s time to get better. In a way, it feels like I’m looking for myself in all the rubble.
He did a nice thing sometimes… but I know it was to disguise the abuse. x

[Lazarus17]

Thanks olderlady (I too am an older lady!) I think it took a while to begin mourning what may have been/ should have been because of the stalking. It’s gone quiet for the moment (I know it won’t last) so you could say the mourning has caught up with me. I’m not sure I anticipated it lasting so long though, although given how long we were together, I shouldn’t be surprised.

I too did counselling. Tbh, I’m not sure how useful it was – the counsellor kept wanting me to “look forward” not back. Great – easier said than done though. All it takes is a little trigger and his voice bounces right back into my brain….scary huh?!

In a way, it feels like I’m looking for myself in all the rubble.

That’s a perfect way of putting it! I have “found myself” somewhat – I sound really negative, I know, but I have to say that it has been sooooooo lovely to be able to do my own thing, my own way, at my pace, when and where I want, without fear of reprisals or recriminations. It’s been difficult to go against some of the “conditioning”, but quite liberating when I do! 🙂

It really does get easier, older lady – I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same person as pre-ex, (but I guess none of us ever really are) or that some of the damage caused will ever be eradicated. But I think my counsellor would be proud to hear me say that those life experiences have taught me valuable lessons. And I can now spot a red flag a mile away!

[Author]

Posts