Albatross

[Peaceful Pig]

Excuse the seemingly random post title…bear with me! I am having a wonderfully productive weekend including, an evening out, going out campaigning on the streets, helping to feed a friend’s pets and preparing for for a fundraising event at my child’s school. Maybe not enormous achievements to some, but huge for me. Until a few months ago I was still not free or safe to move freely or be visible in my community, much less take an active part in it, without harassment and fear. With each activity the anxiety kicks in, the voice telling me I shouldn’t be doing it, I’m stupid etc, the albatross around my neck holding me back. But I’m doing it all anyway and having a great time meeting new, interesting people, feeling like a worthy, valuable person in my community. This is something that means a great deal to my identity and regaining my sense of self.

I heard this about albatrosses today: apparently they have a resting heart rate similar to ours, but when they take off to fly their heart rate rises to dangerous, almost fatal levels. Then once in the air they feel so free and at home in flight that their heart rate drops even lower than before.

I thought this was a great analogy for the way we feel when gripped in the inertia of conditioned anxiety, but take that leap of faith that sets us free. We have to find the courage to keep doing this over and over until our minds are retrained. A long and exhausting process, but so worth it.

I have also just heard that I have helped my local outreach service secure a few thousand pounds to continue their counselling service by sharing my experiences with the funder. I am delighted. We have the power ladies ✊ xx

[lover of no contact]

Well done PP. That’s a great analogy to stop our fear preventing us from taking part in activities and actions.

Thanks for sharing the achievements. Its great encouragement.

[Serenity]

Wow, PP, you are achieving so much. What a strong lady you are.

I totally agree about the conditioned anxiety. I also think we need to be on the look out for it. It can creep up on us, unawares. It can stop us from doing things without us really realising that it is the conditioned anxiety that is holding us back.

Our abusers wanted us to feel frightened, to feel that we shouldn’t even consider our own self-development and enjoyment. It was an unhealthy dynamic. It could be easy to let this continue even after put abysers have physically gone, as their selfish philosophy could still continue to govern our subconscious. We are here to help others, but we are also here to enjoy the music and colours of life ourselves.

You’re doing amazingly, PP. You have progressed so much, and managed to bat off so much to forge forwards and achieve amazing things. It’s testament to how strong you are. 🌸

[Serenity]

PS: I love the albatross analogy. I will keep that in my mind.

It reminds me of the poem I think I quoted on here before:

“Jump” they said.
“I can’t.”
“Jump” they said.
So she did.
And she flew.

I love the albatross image though, because it really emphasises how your heart can literally feel like it’s breaking, and life can truly seem that it’s too difficult- but just keep going, and there’s exuberant freedom on the other side.

We need to keep the albatross launches going daily after the abuser has gone. It’s not a case of when he is physically gone that we are suddenly free. The conditioned fear takes time to evaporate. We need to make multiple albatross launches, some big and some small, every day.

A line keeps on reoccurring to me which I find myself saying in times of trouble. I can’t remember the whole verse, and I need to find the book ( it’s here somewhere) as the rest of the poem was very beautiful, but the last two lines are stamped in my memory:

“I know in my heart
That I am free.”

[lilaclady]

I love this. Life is incredibly hard at the moment as I try to divorce my ex. The albatross resonates with me so much. Currently my heart is breaking I am exhausted and broken but I am gathering strength to just get this done, to just launch and fly and I know in my heart things are going to be so much better once I am free he’s out of my life and I am flying. Also Serenity love the poem about jumping… Thanks all.

[Peaceful Pig]

I’m loving the phrase “albatross launch”. Next time I get anxious I will just think ‘its ok it’s just an albatross launch!’

[Author]

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