all over the place… from relief to never-ending tears.

[Pandora]

Hi everyone,
I have been lurking for a while and am so completely blown away with all the bravery you all demonstrate…
I am struggling a lot with the “now what”‘s… and the “how did you allow it to get to this point”… But the biggest problem I have, is that I am really struggling with processing the outfall, and keeping the drama of all this from affecting my job. Which it already does. I want to go fetal when I think of the pressure of managing my finances by myself…

I guess I am a very introspective person – I always do a post-mortem to establish how I could have handled stuff better… to prepare / learn for next time. And to not always park the blame for stuff at someone else’s feet… Self-awareness and self-responsibility is important. But guess what? It turns out that THAT makes me the perfect personality type to get stuck in an unhealthy relationship… And given how much I am not coping very well, I suspect I am doing it wrong! It has just always been such a big part of my healing process after bad things happen, that I don’t know HOW else to process…

I was drawn to him because of his confidence that bordered on arrogance…
So it happened that mere months after my fella unofficially moved in, the first instance of him breaking furniture and tearing clothes right of my body must have been me provoking him just a little too far… I can be feisty. And confrontational. Surely that was just a bad fight… Him asserting dominance in our relationship… it couldn’t be abuse… not really… I know I am trying at times…
Then he didn’t work. Or leave the house.
And the fights became a lot more regular. And it escalated again, and again, and again.

Move on a number of years and I finally pull together the guts to ask him to leave.
He claims homelessness so this leaving process ends up taking time – its snowing outside…
And I still cared about him – he has severed all ties with friends and family…
it’s me being a kind person or him sleeping under a bridge.

And finally it gets so bad that I threaten to call his parents.
And he goes. We will make arrangements for the collection of his stuff….
And I missed him so much…
A while later he came to collect stuff… I invite him for dinner after he helped me with some heavy lifting.
And he kicked off so bad that I finally for the first time pick up the phone and called a friend while he was going beserk. Partly because this friend does not pull her punches and will not forgive me for letting him in ever again.
and partly because I knew she would say all the things I needed to hear to make it clear that he should leave there and then – not to return.

So since this last event which has been recent enough to still be raw but long enough to make the separation real, I have stuck with zero contact. And it has been sooo much harder than I ever thought it would be.
I miss him. And I am relieved he is gone. And I wish I could explain to HIM how much he hurt me emotionally – the physical stuff passes. But I get that he would never ever understand it.

But because I am trying to process how I always have, I feel like I am falling down daily.
I struggle with the pressure of work – which has always been my escape.
And I love my job, but I just can’t seem to scrape the energy together to go…
or anywhere else for that matter! Serious lack of finance due to some of this palawa makes it easy to coop up at home.

My family lives in another country and I feel like my friends and colleagues are getting fed up with me crying over the same old thing every day.

Is this normal or am I failing at handling my situation the best I can?
I have thought of calling the Women’s Aid helpline, but always feel that someone else may have a more pressing need as I am physically fine… I don’t want to tie up the limited resource…
And all I do when I talk about this is cry in any case…

So ladies – I can’t be unique… How did you manage to pick yourselves up?
Keep your high pressure jobs?
Keep your sanity?
Keep your friendships?
And dealt with the anxiety that comes from financial stress???

[KIP.]

Talking and counselling. Start with the helpline and your GP. You may be suffering from PTSD which a lot of us suffer from. I read everything I could. Google trauma bonding. Be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a terrible experience that nobody should ever have to go through. Many women including me find the mental abuse was way worse and lasts much longer than any physical. Tearing clothes and smashing stuff is physical abuse. It’s the threatening behaviour and not knowing what he is going to do next that traumatises us. Cut back on everything that’s not absolutely necessary. Try to limit yourself to three things a day. I know it’s hard but our head space narrows with trauma and we simply cannot cope with too many things. If your job is most important then you need to cut back on everything else. You could speak to Human Resources. Explain your situation and ask for extra time for tasks or temporarily hand over some of your work to a colleague. Baby steps and being kind to yourself are really important in recovery. I read about a highly trained cardiac nurse who after trauma went back to be a cleaner on her ward until slowly her mind repaired itself. Don’t underestimate the effects of trauma on your body and mind. Well done for posting. It’s a good step forward x

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