Am I an abuser?

[Littlelunar]

I am ready to leave but here I am, second guessing myself – thinking that maybe I have been emotionally abusive all this while.

We’ve been in a relationship for almost (detail removed by Moderator) years. Married for (detail removed by Moderator) years and (detail removed by Moderator) wonderful children that’s come out of it. At the very beginning of our relationship, just as I was about to move over countries for him, he cheated on me. Although I had given him the green light to do so, I did not expect it to happen just days before my arrival. This killed a little part of me but I put it down to karma. His apology was barely even one. Excuses like, she was hitting on him. She was hitting on everyone at the work place. He was lonely. At this time he was going through depression and he said that given his mental state, he did not believe that someone like me would even move countries for him. And then, the most hard hitting apology I got (detail removed by Moderator) was, (detail removed by Moderator) I bit my tongue and just let it be. He was right… I did allow it didn’t I?

This incident gave our relationship a very rocky start. Dealing with my feelings and emotions about it was difficult. I didn’t know how to process it and I also had to be sensitive towards him being depressed. I did the best I could do get him better. But throughout I was also passive aggressive. I found it difficult to express myself and the only way I knew how was to shut down, not speak, avoid and silly things like slam cupboards etc. I became my mom in so many ways because that’s all I knew how to handle emotions. In that sense, was I emotionally abusive towards him? There were days where I stayed in the gym or at Uni, sit outside our flat because I was afraid of going back into the house. It was draining… all this time I never used words as a weapon. I never said to him that he should be lucky that I’ve let him stay in the flat rent free, food free while I was hurting from him the cheating.

Things started to get worse when I started falling into depression. I put it down to birth control and coming off it. I put it down to previous drug use. I put it down to childhood trauma but I never put it down to him or our relationship. My depression crippled me – days when I couldn’t get out of bed. Days where I would be up at night crying but didn’t understand what I was crying about. Weed was out escape. We used it to stop the madness, day and night. It totally consumed us. He was always a weed smoker. Even before our relationship started. I didn’t mind it but I didn’t want to depend on it either. But there we were, completely dependent on it. My depression made me extremely fearful of being left alone. I hated being left with my thoughts. I was not suicidal but I wanted to escape. I just wanted a way out. Some night I left the house in the middle of the night and just walked hoping I would lose myself forever. He tried to be there for but it was bringing him down too. I could see it, he even told me. There were times when he would say he couldn’t deal with me because he had work the next day or he was tired from work. So many times while I was crying he couldn’t comfort me when all I needed was someone to say it was going to be okay. Or a hug. I would consider myself to have been high functioning – I was still able to cook, clean, go to the gym as it was an escape, I still put effort into him. I started to feel like he was putting more effort into work than he was into me or us. At some point I accepted defeat but I still clung on hoping that things would get better. He drifted from his friends, he stopped dancing for awhile.. I felt it was my fault. I know it was my fault but I never told him he couldn’t. A lot of what was going through my mind then was wanting him to not leave me alone. I got help through counselling, groups, I was also on anxiety tablets. I didn’t mean to be malicious and stop him from having a social life but if I made him feel that way through my behaviours then was I being emotionally abusive then too?

(detail removed by Moderator) years in and then it happened. He went online and started using video chat sex websites. Another part of me died when this happened. He got scammed and they sent the pictures to my social media profile. I never saw the pictures. He got into my account and deleted it before I could. But he told me what had happened. I couldn’t process it.. he begged me not to leave him. I forgave him but i swallowed the hurt again. He put it down to him not being in the right mental state.. mostly because of how I was treating him. I became the problem and the reason. How could I argue with that?

(detail removed by Moderator) I fell pregnant. We had to move back to my home country because my (detail removed by Moderator) visa was expiring. I thought, great. A new start. A chance to be free of any negativity. We lived with my parents. It wasn’t the best but we managed. Through my pregnancy, I became very sensitive towards his cologne and the smell of smoke. I detested it. I would ask him not to smoke around me, to have a shower when he got in from work to wash away the cologne. I don’t think that was a lot to ask for but he rarely did and that’s when he said I was being unaffectionate with him. I was still hurting so wrapping my head around that was one thing but then smells that would trigger me to be sick ontop of feeling completely pregnant. How could I? Again, was I being emotionally abusive then by not meeting his needs?!

When we had our first born, I laid down ground rules around smoking. I had even asked nicely that he did not smoke while I was in labor and while he stayed with us at the hospital after birth. I could smell it on him the second he walked into the room. I was angry but I didn’t say anything. Like with how all our arguments start our, I just never say anything and let it brew in me. Not the healthiest of ways.. I know that now. The rules included not smoking around the baby. Changing his t shirt and washing his hands before holding the baby. Not smoking when we are out as a family because it’s not fair that I have to be the ones handling the baby all the time because of his smoking. When I went to work, no leaving the baby alone in the house so you can have a smoke. I believe my “rules” were all in the best interest of our child. It only lasted awhile before he broke all the rules… every single one of them. So if I became angry, passive aggressive or if I withheld myself from him, it was because of that. He’s told me recently that he was still depressed during this time. Even though I got angry at him, I never stop caring either. I’d make his pack lunches, his dinner when he got in from work or I’d let him know if he didn’t to get some on the way back. I took our kid into his office (detail removed by Moderator) so he could spend time with him. The hours he worked meant he barely got to see the baby and us.

(detail removed by Moderator) kids later, a house in his name, back in his home country and im on a spouse visa – one would say we have everything we worked so hard to get but yet I always felt like I wasn’t whole. That my feelings were never validated. I could never feel sad because his sadness or depression was far greater. I could never be angry with him barely contributing in the house because he went to work and was the financial provider. I could not be upset that he barely spent time with the kids or gave me a break because he worked so hard he needed the rest. For the longest time I felt undervalued for what I did in the house and with raising the kids because I wasn’t financial contributing. For the longest time I felt taken advantage of.

(detail removed by Moderator) he broke down and told me he was having suicidal thoughts. It was devastating to hear. The reasons behind it was because he was feeling burnt out, under valued, he lack self confidence in himself. He felt trapped with smoking because he knew it was affecting us as a family and affecting his appearance. For (detail removed by Moderator) years he used to say he was going to quit. Change his phone Lock Screen to all sorts of quit smoking backgrounds. It never lasted and he never failed to put it down to me not being supportive of him through the process.(detail removed by Moderator) when he broke down, he got our kids,(detail removed by Moderator) to put his cigerattes, sweets, candy, chocolates and coffee into the bin. He said those were the things that he felt addicted to and he wanted to change his lifestyle. He wanted to get better. He borrowed a bike (detail removed by Moderator) as well. I was worried as hell to leave the kids alone with him because of these thoughts but I supported him in so many ways that I knew how. I encouraged him to see his friends more. I didn’t allow junk into our house so he wouldn’t be tempted. His other is a feeder and I always said no or threw it out not in front of her of course. He didn’t want to tell her about his thoughts because he didn’t want her to pry or worry. So many times I took the kids to his parents house or just out of the house so he could rest. I took on so many things on my plate so he could get better. And yet, he can’t see this. He still says that I was not there for him.

We went back to my home country to celebrate (detail removed by Moderator). I went first with the kids and he came after. I noticed many changes in him. Like he wasn’t mentally there. Like he was vacant. We had an argument one night and along with my feelings not being validated, he turned everything on me. That I was unwelcoming to
Him arriving. That I am the reason why he’s down and depressed in himself. It was the argument that made me have a light bulb moment in myself. I noticed that this was an on going pattern. That whenever I expressed how I felt, he always manages to become the victim. I started to think of so many arguments through the years where it’s ended up like this. I was either crazy or finally seeing things in a new light. That day I remember telling one of my friends, we’re either going to end up divorce or he’s going to off himself in 5 years.

There’s more to this story but my question really comes down to this.. was I an abuser?

[maddog]

You’re doing a grand job of gaslighting yourself. He’s been manipulating and using you as anyone might use a toaster or a door. He’s the abuser here and he’s done a good job of making you doubt your reality and making everything about him.
He cheated on you before pretty much anything else and blamed the other woman. Charming. You state that you were afraid of him. Of course his needs came before yours. His behaviour is typical of an abuser.

Well done for recognising the pattern. You’ve been the one treading on eggshells, you’ve been the one trying to find solutions for the impossible, you’ve been subject to years of abuse. No wonder it’s been grinding you down. I’m sure this dreadful man has tales of woe to make you feel as though your own are a P in the ocean.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT! Sadly, as you’re recognising, their behaviour doesn’t change and nothing you do or say will make anything better. He has betrayed you to the core. It’s a big thing to take on and understand. Keep reaching out here and hopefully there’s real life support where you live for both you and the children.

Baby steps. Above all, please take on board that No, you’re not the abuser. It’s not your fault that you’ve been caught in his web. Perpetrators seek us out and home in on whatever vulnerability they can find. They’re parasitic by nature. His behaviour is nothing to do with you. I’m really sorry if I sound harsh. Going through a bit of trauma fest myself at the moment!

[Littlelunar]

Hi maddog

What’s your story and how are you coping?

[maddog]

I’ve had a bit of a skinful of difficult revelations over the past while, both about how trauma has affected my life and how abusers operate. You’re welcome to PM me if you like. It can be difficult telling friends and crushing if and when they don’t believe you. Many of my friends have been or are still married to abusive partners. Everyone has a different back story. The behaviours of the perpetrators are strikingly similar. We can’t know what we don’t know, then we can’t unsee it.

I remember when the children were tiny, thinking, oh bl**dy hell, am I in some kind of abusive relationship, and firmly slamming into denial. How I protected him! Although we spent years in separate bedrooms because of his behaviour, I still protected the marriage. I protected it until one day I understood that his behaviour was unacceptable. In my case there was a definite trigger.

Living in an abusive relationship is like living in limbo or some kind of purgatory.

[Wheatear]

Hey Liitlelunar, you are difintely not an abuser. The fact that he’s been blamimg you for everything over such a long period of time clearly shows that he does not take responsibility for his actions or for the relationship. He has shown outright callousness by blaming you for every problem and keeping you on eggshells to try and please him by catering to his every need. I really admire your strength in laying it all out here and coming to the realization tbat it’s time to stand up to him and not take it anymore.

[Author]

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