Am I being controlled?

[buttons123]

My partner and I have been together for nearly (removed by moderator) years and at first everything was great. He went all in very quickly, telling me loved me and he wanted to get married and start a family all within the first (removed by moderator) months or so.

More recently I’ve been looking at his behaviour and I’m starting to think that I’m being controlled by his actions.

Simple things like calling me a few times a day to check where I am I used to think were sweet and showed how much he cared but now I’m not sure. He sits in with me when I’m making phone calls so he can hear what I’m saying, if I say I’m going upstairs for a lie down he insists on coming with me. We recently had a baby and he has refused to let my parents help in any way-to the point where when I told him I was taking the baby to visit them he took (removed by moderator) so we couldn’t leave the house. When I confronted him about it he started crying and said he was scared I was going to leave him and if I ever did he would kill himself.

He’s immersed himself into every aspect of my life and I feel as though I don’t have anything left that’s my own. I’ve completely lost sight of who I am as I now don’t know how to be without him.

Im not sure if he is even aware of what he’s doing as he tells me that everything he does is because he loves me.

I don’t know if I should talk to him about it as recently I’ve been thinking about maybe leaving but part of me feels so guilty every time that thought crosses my mind and I don’t know what is the right thing to do. My priority has to be our daughter but I don’t want her to grow up thinking that this behaviour is normal and acceptable.

Any help or advice would be much appreciated.

[KIP.]

Please contact your local women’s aid. Do not tell him you’re thinking of leaving, that would be very dangerous and yes you are being controlled. Coercive control is a crime now. His behaviour is dangerous. Abuse often escalates after childbirth. Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven or Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Abusers isolate us and that is what he’s doing by stopping you seeing your parents x

[Lisa]

Hi buttons123,

Welcome to the forum. As KIP has explained very well, what you are experiencing is very controlling, coercive behaviour. It is not uncommon for abusive partners to threaten to kill themselves if the other was to leave, so please be aware that this is a tactic to keep you from feeling you have that option.
As long as you remain isolated in this, he maintains his control a lot easier. As soon as you start to engage in help and get support and advice, you can begin to get clarity on what your options are and what you may want to do in your situation. What happens will be up to you; it’s important you feel at the centre of how you move forward. As mentioned, do be safe about reaching out for help. If he knows you are doing this, he will no doubt try and change your mind and escalate his control.
A good first step is to speak to your local domestic abuse service, who will understand your situation and go through all the help that is available. It may be useful to read through what is domestic abuse and coercive control.
You’ve done the right thing to come here and share your experience with other women that can give you the best insight and advice. Many will be very familiar with what you describe, so know you are not alone.
Do keep posting to let us know how you get on and for any more support.
All the best,

Lisa

[ladiesand gentlemen]

ALL of the above
This will escalate, do whatever you have to do to keep your Daughter safe, as she grows she will give you more strength EVERY day.
These men will do ANYTHING to keep control and they NEVER accept the blame for whatever goes wrong !!!!
I had the same problem, they poison your very being. Make you lose yourself !!!
Its taken me a very very long time to get my head straight, along with a body that cannot take anymore pain and illness.
PLEASE make plans to leave(dont tell him anything YOU dont want him to know)
Confide in someone you trust, it will be easier to have someone behind you
Take is easy, stay safe. Look at your Daughter she is totally reliant on your love and protection.
Love and virtual hugs x*x

[Author]

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