Am I being too harsh?

[Buttercup2022@]

I’ve separated from my husband. It’s been a journey of up and down contact with him, I’ve been subject to an element of harassment because he would constantly message up to (detail removed by moderator) times a day, he started to track my location and wouldn’t stop the constant contact. When I wouldn’t reply, he tried to commit suicide, I did react at that point only for him to blame me for not responding to his messages, it felt like he was punishing me. I decided to block him and had a family member be a go between.
I have started to communicate directly with him over email again as we have children together and he was sending messages via the children. However because I don’t trust him, I tried to stay direct and not engage in any conversation that’s not relevant to the children, it feels so alien to be so cold with him and I wonder if I’m maybe being too harsh? He said (detail removed by moderator). he’s asked for me to call him if I want an update on his well-being and to discuss matters about the children over the phone. I’ve tried to remain direct and just sticking to what I need answers too but again I worry that I’m emotion less and maybe in someway the abuser?! I constantly feel guilty for how I am around him and am desperately trying to do the right thing!
Thanks in advance.

[Lisa]

Hi Buttercup2022@,

I’m sorry that you’re struggling with guilt at the moment. It’s normal to worry about the impact of your actions in this way when you’ve experienced emotional abuse. Communicating with him in the way you do is as a result of his abusive behaviours. It sounds like you’ve tried several different arrangements already and that the current email contact is the method you’ve found where you can offer both yourself and your children some protection from harm. You aren’t the abuser here and you don’t owe him emotion and warmth at the risk of your wellbeing. It’s a challenge managing communication with someone so manipulative, it might help to bear in mind that the reason for these firm boundaries is that he chooses to be abusive.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Buttercup2022

Its entirely reasonable to feel as you do, as it is a very alien situation that you have found yourself forced into, and keeping things completely child focussed is all that matters. Like you have said you have wanted to keep things to the point, and what you find is that he doesn’t, but thats his abuse and refusal to accept someone who has boundaries and he seeks to continually erode them of course because thats him trying to steal your power that you are asserting, necessarily so.

Stick to your guns, this man made hmself your mortal enemy, so ensure you do stick to your necessary boundaries. He is abusing your boundaries and refusing to accept ‘no’, and how very predictable that is.

I congratulate you on managing to come as far and do as much as you have, stick with it, it will starve him of his abilities to manipulate you.

warmest wishes

ts

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