- This topic has 7 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
-
Wikipedia talks about coercion and coercive control, which was first put forward by Biderman after studying torture techniques. It has been found to be the same techniques used by most domestic abusers.
They list 8 chronological general methods of torture that will psychologically break an individual.
1. Isolation
2.Monopolization of perception
3. Induced debilitation and exhaustion
4. Threats
5. Occasional indulgence
6. Demonstrating ‘omnipotence’ and ‘ omniscience’
7. Degradation
8. Enforcing trivial demands.
-
In my personal experience all of these features were present in my abusive relationship and also physical violence, (although physical violence often isn’t present.)
These things were applied to me in a way that I can only call ‘relentless’ and continually over a long period of time.
If your partners comment was part of a long standing pattern of criticism and abuse and coercive control, as the above definition then it could indicate a problem.
If it was a difference of opinion then that’s not the same. Everyone is allowed to have an opinion, and express it.
As you are free to end the relationship if you don’t like it.
-
-
Hi Anonymousmuma
it can be very difficult to define abuse for the victim, and so often it can run parallel with normal banter or criticism, so that very often I think victims stay in these relationships because they’re convinced by the abuser that “this is how real/normal relationships are” and that we’re just too immature/inexperienced/stupid/etc to know that.
I suppose your own feelings have to be the benchmark to some extent. There is usually a part of you that feels like something is off kilter and quite often there’s a ‘cognitive dissonance’ as you try to force his version of reality onto your own. ‘Believing’ his reality while deep down knowing that it doesn’t fit with your own reality.
I really hope, for you, that your relationship is a normal one where people have opinions and annoyances every now and then.
sending love ❤️ -
Thankyou so much Evenserpentsshine..
There is definitely a lot of criticism on his side.. I don’t know what’s don’t on with me- I’ve started to obsess about is it abuse or not.. am- is it just I’m being over sensitive..
I’m overthinking any comments he makes .. the nuts thing is I’m even finding myself anticipating the next time something happens so I can feel validated… I just can’t seem to let it go.. it’s alI think about at the moment. Im not sure why I’m doing it and it’s not very healthy to me or the relationship.. :/
-
Maybe you have alarm bells, if there is quite a lot of criticism coming your way.
As I’m sure you have noticed, all of the ‘methods’ or tenets of coercive control can be achieved through verbal abuse or criticism.
Already no.6 is in operation, where someone is putting themselves above you, in a position of omnipotence. They are assuming that they know better than you about how you should be behaving/dressing/thinking etc. And have the arrogance to believe that you need to hear their opinions.
The difference between heartfelt ‘feedback’ or an opinion which you’ve asked someone for, and continual unasked for criticism is quite important. -
Thankyou so much Evenserpentsshine, I’m really so grateful for your answers..
yes I think you might be right about alarm bells. It’s definitely continual unasked for criticism.. I’m going to read up more on the methods you’ve mentioned..
im so glad you managed to escape from your situation and are living a much happier life… its must have been so hard to leave, you must have had to be very brave to get out of your situation…
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
