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everytime we speak has me questioning, am i going crazy? if my friends or family don’t like my partner then, according to my partner, it’s because i’ve told them too much and painted the picture wrong because the only reason I’ve ever been hit is because of me. i’m over sensitive and when my partner goes quiet it’s too avoid a fight and i don’t respect their need to shut down and shut off. i cause every argument and i’m totally unreasonable but i’m lucky because despite everything wrong with me, my partner still loves me enough to have me back but if i stay away then i need to know they won’t be alone for long so i should take this chance whilst i still have it !!?!?
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You’re not crazy, you’re being gaslighted. These are all red flags and signs of abuse:
– Hitting you and blaming you for it
– Trying to get you to talk less to your friends and family and implying you are presenting him wrong to them
– Him calling you over-sensitive
– Him going quiet and shutting down sounds like sulking and silent treatment
– Blaming you for every argument
– Him saying that basically you’re all wrong but ‘luckily he loves you’ = huge red flag of an abuser
– Him threatening to leave you permanently if you don’t returnHave you looked up the Power and Control Wheel in google and the Cycle of Abuse? If not then have a look as it should explain a lot.
You’re not crazy but you are in an abusive relationship. Ring the helpline if you haven’t already and keep sharing on here, plus keep talking to your friends and family about it and don’t let him isolate you.
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thank you so much !
i have looked up the power and control wheel and the cycle of abuse
i guess it’s hard for any of us to comprehend that this is where falling in love has taken us … so much we just don’t want to believe!
i have watched myself become a person i don’t recognise at times anymore, how this stuff chips away 🙁 and in the earlier part of my relationship i really believed behaviour towards me was the result of my partner having been in an abusive relationship themselves
I still find myself grasping and wondering if this is (detail removed by moderator) or mirrored (detail removed by moderator) ? My partner was in a 20yrs + relationship with a man she called a sociopath (my partner and i are both women)
I have moved out of the family home as my partner has children and the cycle of abuse they’re witnessing is just soo wrong
But my partner tells me that if we go to counselling then I’ll be told how messed up i am (which i kinda am .. now)
So much hurt from the past which i can’t let go of but the past is still present because the cycle continues
Now, because I’ve moved out (again) i was thrown out (again) but when i said I wasn’t going back I was told that she and her daughter aren’t safe around me!!
I’m scared now not only of the violence but of my own reactions … yelling (which I’ve never done b4 but over the last year it seems the crying and frustration for which i was mocked has turned into shouting back) I’m scared that the way she tells the story i am the abuser and yet it’s she that says if i don’t move back (I’ve suggested time apart and counselling) that she’ll need to move on because she doesn’t want to be alone. My heart is breaking because i still love her but the trust in my safety is gone. Mentally, emotionally, physically She says now that I’m playing games with her but I’ve so tried to talk things thru, when i do I’m ‘casting back’ she’s angry if i don’t reply to messages but I’ve been blocked and ignored so many times Thrown out with nowhere to go (i moved to her town and have no friends here) Now I’ve found a place to live nearby (at first to try and work on things) she feels deserted. I’ve had what few things i own thrown out of windows, broken and binned. The first physically attack came (detail removed by moderator)yrs ago and it seems true wat they say, if you don’t leave then it will just carry on, become more frequent and worse. I kept so much secret from family for so long only opening up in the last few months; they’re a lifeline but she feels I’ve been disloyal.
I still want to help her (is that crazy?) but now she says it’s as much my fault as hers that I’ve triggered and caused it allwoh
I’m sorry this is so long
spilling guts helps xalso very afraid of threats of suicide .. been told it’ll be my fault and I’ll know that when she does it! :,(
she’s turned a knife on herself in front of me and self harmedI just don’t kno wat to do ‘heartbroken’
I know I need to stay away and rebuild myself and I know if this were love she’d want that to (for me)? But I know she feels deserted and hurt and i know that turns to anger and aggression in love and afraid, how can these things be together ???
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Hi TakingBack,
I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through. Your partners behaviour sounds incredibly manipulative and controlling and it sounds as if you are already aware that she is abusive.
Have you considered some emotional support or counselling just for yourself? You could contact a local specialist domestic abuse service (which you can find here) or you could speak to a counsellor who has experience in domestic abuse or coercive control.
It may also be helpful to look up the term ‘gaslighting’, or to have a look at the Freedom Programme online.
Take care and keep posting.
Lisa
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