Am I going mad?

[Peony29]

I honestly can’t decide if I’m going insane, everyone around me seems to see the emotionally abusive, manipulative, controlling person I’ve been with for last (number removed by Moderator) years and I feel like I’m finally starting to open my eyes but the next minute I feel everyone else has got it wrong.

I was with this person for (number removed by Moderator) years, until he sexually assaulted me in (timeframe removed by Moderator) but we still have to interact for other reasons. Since the assault I’ve finally opened up to friends about us and perhaps the other side of the relationship, the side where he’d take my phone without me knowing and read my WhatsApp’s then clear chats with people he didn’t like me messaging. The side where I would do whatever he told me to even when I didn’t want to because I just wanted (needed) to keep him happy. The side where he had to know my movements at all times. I didn’t see any of it as manipulative or abusive until now when I talk to my friends and they call it that.

he was very honest about the assault, he never denied it and he apologised, he was devastated that he’d done it but now I think was he devastated for me or for the consequences he might face. He’d say things about how he’d take his own life if anyone ever found out because he couldn’t live with them knowing. I always felt so worried for him and so awful, but something feels like it’s clicking now and I’m seeing another side. Then I go back to feeling bad for him and just wanting to protect him.

I feel like I don’t know what’s real and genuine and what’s not anymore, has anyone else experienced this? Assault aside was I already in an abusive relationship?

[Lisa]

Hi Peony29,

These are some really difficult things that you’re starting to look at from a new perspective. It’s not easy thinking about whether a partner/ex’s behaviour is abusive and it’s normal to go back and forth while you’re processing what you’ve been through. I’m glad that you have posted here to help you work through it. Hopefully some of the other women here will be able to reply to you soon and sharing support with them will feel helpful for you.

Needing to always know where you are, reading your private conversations, deleting chats with people he didn’t want you talking to, this is all controlling behaviour, which is domestic abuse. It’s also abusive to use threats around ending his own life to control you. This is a very common tactic that abusers use. It sounds like he was saying this to stop you telling anyone about the assault, so you couldn’t get any support. You might find our “Am I experiencing domestic abuse?” questionnaire helpful in thinking about his behaviours.

If you wanted to access some further support and talk things through, you could contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, they have a 24/7 phone line and a live chat that’s available Monday to Friday 10am-10pm and 10am-6pm on weekends. You might also like to reach out to Rape Crisis for some specialist support around the sexual assault. They support anyone who has experienced any kind of sexual violence at any point in their life. You can contact them through their 24/7 Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Line, either by phone or live chat online.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Cherries]

Hiya. I have had this battle too.

When that confusion kicks in, I ask myself a couple of questions

If this were my child being treated like this by a partner, would I be horrified?

Often thanks to poor self esteem I accept things towards myself without blinking that I would be furious over if it was someone I cared about. Got to love my double standards lol.

And

Do I act like this towards my partner….and if not? Why not? If its normal and acceptable, why not. Sometimes I can’t put that into words but it gives me the ick. Checking someone’s phone would just give me the ick. Guilt. Its just a massive invasion of privacy.

The suicide threats are common Im afraid. And very effective.

Guilt tripping is common and effective.

Insidious. Hard to spot. Even harder to prove but if you don’t want sex then no means exactly that. Doesn’t mean harrass until you give in. This doesn’t just apply to sex either.

You have a right to say no. To not want to do something.

Keep reading up about the more subtle kinds of abuse. Its really enlightening and might help give you some clarity. You might also have the odd ouch moment. I know I have but that just means I had something to work on, to correct. We rarely escape unscathed. The same may be true for them but, WE can’t fix them

Mostly they don’t even accept there’s a problem.

Its our jobs to fix us. Its theirs to fix them. We can’t save them. We can’t love them back to wellness. It doesn’t work like that sadly. All that does is burn us out and feed them.

[Author]

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