Am I just wrong?? (long post)

[Ducksandbread]

This is my first post here and i didnt think i really needed this webiste,
Ive been dating my boyfriend for a (detail removed by Moderator) now and things dont seem right on my part of things like i feel like im overreacting or overanalysing what he does- my friends say that what he’s doing is abusive, controlling and emotionally blackmailling. I accidently called him up when i was drinking and told him that my friends dont like him and that hes blackmailing me to stay with him and has a control complex.
I tried ending things with him a while ago and something snapped in him, he started saything things like ‘how long have you been decieving me’ and so i ended up staying with him because i have a (detail removed by Moderator) with him and he said that he wouldnt do the (detail removed by Moderator). If things ended he said he would hate me and even if i asked him a question (we’re in the same (detail removed by Moderator)) he would ignore me completely.
With the whole staying together thing there were three conditions to it that he made: first was put it on facebook- I find these things uncomfortable and i cried when I had to do it because I really didn’t want too. When I told him it made me really uncomfortable he responded with (detail removed by Moderator). The second one scares me alot to be honest: I told him that he cant stay round mine for famly reasons, I didn’t want to stay round his and I deffiently don’t want to stay in a hotel with him because I don’t feel comfortable staying with him overnight and I dont want to have sex with him either. The second condition is that I can’t say no to staying round his or in a hotel with him. the third is that have to tell him everything and he has to do the same thing.
I saw him the next day and my anxiety was through the roof the whole day; i didnt want physical contact or anything but he wanted us to go somewhere private to ‘talk’ whereby he said to me that i obviously do have feelings for him and that I cant accept them and then he kissed me which was not okay with me. He wouldn’t stop trying to hug me or give physical contact all day. That night we were on the phone and he said he was so proud that I didn’t tell anyone that i was having anxiety attacks all day and that I didnt bring anyone into it either while keeping up an act.
This was all (detail removed by Moderator) before the drunk call, he told me that my friend influence my opinion too much and that he doesn’t like them he also says that I’m obviously twisting his words and only telling half a story but refuses to talk to my friends about his side of things. He says his friends tell him to end it but he doesn’t listen to them but tells them what i do and what i said. He doesn’t want me talking to my friends about him (they’re the ones who pointed out how he’s acting and what he’s doing) and that he doesnt have a control complex as he doesnt want to know where i am or what im doing all the time. He has threatened me that if any of my friends say anything bad to him then he’s going to hack their accounts and (detail removed by Moderator)
On a call he said to me (detail removed by Moderator) and after said (detail removed by Moderator) he’s also said he doesn’t want to hear my problems but if I’m not okay I shouldn’t tell him or take it out on him either. He says things will get better and he’s changing even if i can’t see it and that im one of the only people he can trust.
He brags to everyone that he goes on the deep web and that he uses social engineering on people as well.
I plan on going to Univeristy and I don’t plan on being with him then which i told him but he keeps going on about how he’s going to come see me at university and make things work because it would have been a long relationship by then and shouldn’t just chuck it away.
I was meant to go to a party where he was going as well but I didn’t in the end and he didnt go either but I found out that he was planning on having sex with me at the party- baring in mind I would have been drinking alot during the night- he even told the person who was hosting the party that he was planning it.
if he’s in a bad mood he posts stuff online indirectly about me and then denies it all if i say anything because ‘not everything is about you’. I still talk to my friends about what he’s doing and one directed me here. They say they are all worried about me because I can’t make my brain see it because I never thought it would be like this. he tries to ‘make me happy’ by trying to kiss me and make out with me and stuff and i have to constantly tell him no. He has very strong opinions on certain topics and i have to tell him that he cant say certain things since he doesn’t know all the sides of it while i had previosuly studied the topic that he has strong opinions on and he just laughs and ignores me.

I know this is long but is all this just me overreacting?? or is there something seriously wrong with this situation?? he tells me its not a problem with the relationship its just other people trying to get involved which makes it seem bad.

[lover of no contact]

welcome to the Forum. I don’t think you or your friends are wrong about your boyfriend. You are not over-reacting.

His behaviours from your post

anger, threats at you for trying to end the relationship

He won’t accept your ‘no’ to spending the night at his or spending the night at a hotel. You have clearly told him you don’t want to do this as you don’t want to have sex with him and he has ‘refused’ to hear your ‘no’- which is a very bad sign

He ignores you completely (he carries out the silent treatment on you knowing this will upset you).

He put things on facebook knowing you didn’t want them put there and he knew this would upset you but he still went ahead and did it anyway.

He posts negative things online about you.

He laughs at you.

He sounds like a not very nice person for a start. He gets a kick out of upsetting you, making you feel bad. People who care about each other don’t do that to each other.

So after being in his company you come away upset, highly anxious, you keep having to say no to him and he does not take your no on board. He ignores you and he ignores your no. He just does what HE wants regardless of his feelings.

I think he will be hard to get rid of even if you move away to university. He has already shown that he doesn’t take no for an answer and he doesn’t care what you think. However its so good your friend directed you here. Keep posting and reading the posts here and we will support you in getting away from him despite his behaviours of harassment, coercion, intimidation and threats if you try and end the relationship again. These guys are impossible to deal with on your own. We will support you. You sound strong to have resisted his demands for sex so far. Don’t give in to him. Don’t cave to his pressure. Don’t let him coerce you. Don’t let him wear you down. Don’t let him persuade you out of your ‘no’. If he can change your no to a yes he might as well have a sign on his forehead saying ‘I am in control’.

Your friends sound great and are totally looking out for you (unlike him), continue to talk to your friends about what he is doing and continue to post to us. Listen to your friends and your gut and listen to your body (reacting with huge levels of anxiety) and don’t listen to him. He does not have your best interests at heart whereas your friends do.

[lover of no contact]

typo- He just does what he wants regardless of your feelings

[Lisa]

Hi Ducksandbread,

Welcome to the forum. Your boyfriend sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive. I am pleased you have found the forum. Please do have a look at the Women’s Aid website and also phone the Helpline to talk about your situation. They will help you to see the levels of abuse that you are experiencing and they can offer you advice and support.

We are all here for you so please keep posting.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Author]

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